The Fellowship of the Calvin
by LATMC
Summary: Calvin and Hobbes see a movie commercial for The Fellowship of the Ring, and decides to use his box to go to Middle Earth. There, he and Hobbes will become members of the Fellowship. UPDATED!
1. Movie Magic

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Calvin and Hobbes or the Lord of the Rings.

The Fellowship of the Calvin

It was a beautiful Saturday morning in December, one of those unusual days when the temperature goes up despite the fact that it's winter, and Calvin and Hobbes were making the most of the excellent weather by doing what they did best: watching TV.

"Man, Hobbes, there's nothing like parking in front of a television with some Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs to watch some scary cop shows that have plenty of explosions!" said Calvin.

"Mmm, I can't think of anything more mind-numbing and pointless!" Hobbes replied.

"You said it-Hey! Are you insulting what I do for fun?!"

"What if I am?"

"Oh, you're asking for it! I swear, if I had teeth and claws like yours…"

"But you _don't_ do you?"

"That's it…"

But at that moment they were interrupted by a high-pitched wail. "What was that?!" asked Calvin.

"It's something on TV!" cried Hobbes.

They both stared at the TV, which was playing a commercial. In it there was a black hooded rider chasing four very short people. Calvin and Hobbes watched, mesmerized, as they saw nine people fighting scary looking monsters in a dark chamber, and an old man fight a huge flaming creature before it fell into a deep chasm. "AWESOME!" screamed Calvin, "What is that?" A voice came on the TV, "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. Rated PG-13. In theaters December 19!"

"We have to see that movie!" yelled Calvin.

"But it's PG-13. Your mom will never let you see it," said Hobbes.

"True. Mom never lets us do anything fun," Calvin sighed as the show they'd been watching came back on. "I wish we could do some of that stuff for real," he said.

Then Calvin froze. "I just had a FANTASTIC idea!" he exclaimed.

"Uh oh," muttered Hobbes.

Calvin ignored him. "Come on! Let's go to my room!" Hobbes followed, somewhat reluctantly.

When they reached his room, Calvin pulled out a cardboard box. "Oh no!" said Hobbes, "Not that! I absolutely refuse to go in there! Besides, what good will it do? Are you gonna transmogrify yourself into a bird and fly to the movies?

"That's a great idea, but I've got a better one!" Calvin crossed out the word "Time Machine" and wrote "Movie Magic".

"Movie Magic?" asked Hobbes.

"Yes, Hobbes. Movie Magic. It will allow us to enter the world of any movie we want!" Calvin looked up at his friend excitedly, "Don't you see, Hobbes? If we can't go _see _the movie, we'll just go _in_ it!"

"Are you sure this will work?"

"I'm positive! Have my inventions ever failed before?"

"Yes."

"Well, this one's guaranteed to success! I'm surprised I never thought of it before! Now come on and get in!"

So the two friends climbed into the box. "Ready?" asked Calvin.

"No."

"What was the movie called again?"

"The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring!"

At that moment the box started to shake. Before you could say "my precious" it had zoomed off. "Here we go!" yelled Calvin.

"MY STOMACH!!" screamed Hobbes.

The box raced on in a whirl of color, before it finally stopped in a green wooded area. "Where are we?" asked Calvin. At that moment they heard the sound of a horse pulling a wagon, and someone singing.

"I suggest we ask that guy," said Hobbes, and together the two approached the sound of the wagon.

A/N: Did you like it? I realize it wasn't my best work, but I'm still getting the whole plotline established. But please review! It means a lot to me! I'm also open to any suggestions you might have!


	2. Where's the TV?

Disclaimer: I don't own Calvin and Hobbes, or the Lord of the Rings.

Chapter 2: Where's the TV!

As quietly as possible, Calvin and Hobbes crept towards the wagon. They weren't sure whether the person they heard was friendly or not. Hobbes ran ahead and looked out behind a tree.

"What is it?" asked Calvin.

"It's just an old man," said Hobbes.

"An old man! _Singing?_"

"What's wrong with that?" asked Hobbes.

"Have you everheard a guy sing? They're not supposed too! It's against nature! I told you art was dead!"

"Well, he looks pretty harmless to me," answered Hobbes, "I'm going to go up to him and say hello."

"Wait for me!" shouted Calvin.

It was just then that they realized that not only had the wagon stopped, but that the old man was talking to what looked like a little kid with brown curly hair wearing farm clothes. Then the boy suddenly jumped into the wagon crying, "It's wonderful to see you Gandalf!"

"_Gandalf_?" muttered Calvin, "What sort of name is _that_?"

"Come on Calvin, we're in another world now, they probably all have weird names," said Hobbes.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. Hey wait! They're leaving!" Before Hobbes could do anything, Calvin dashed out from behind the trees, yelling, "HEY! STOP!"

Gandalf stopped the wagon and turned around. "Hello," he called down, "Who are you, and what business do you have here?"

"First of all," said Calvin, swelling his chest, "I am **CALVIN, BOY OF DESTINY!** And second of all, that would all depend on where I am."

The little kid looked confused. "What's a boy of destiny?"

"Don't ask," said Hobbes, who had finally come out.

"What are you!" gasped the boy.

"Geez, kid, don't you recognize a tiger when you see one?" asked Calvin.

"I'm not a kid. And what's a tiger?"

"What are you talking about? Of course you're a kid! Either that, or you're a pretty small adult!"

"I guess I am. I'm a hobbit. My name's Frodo."

"What's a hobbit?"

"Well…" Frodo paused. He looked like he'd never been asked such a question before. "I guess you could say that we're little people with furry feet that eat six meals a day and live mostly for farming. We keep mostly to our own homes in the Shire, and we hardly ever go into the outside world."

"What!" asked Calvin, "Don't you like to go on adventures and things like that?"

"No," laughed Gandalf, "Hobbits never go on adventures, and they never do anything out of the ordinary!"

"Sounds boring," said Calvin.

"It's not that bad," said Frodo, "We still like to have fun! We're having a big birthday party for my uncle tonight. He's turning 111."

Calvin staggered. "Whoa, that's old!" he said. Then he paused to take in what Frodo had just said. "Wait, you're having a party? Awesome! Can I come?"

"I don't see why not," said Frodo, "Plenty of people are turning up uninvited anyway!"

"Now _that's_ the kind of party we like to go to, right Hobbes?"

"I guess," said Hobbes.

"What are you again?" asked Frodo.

"Geez, what kind of idiot are you? He's a tiger!"

"What is a tiger?" asked Gandalf, "I have never heard of such a creature before."

"What do you mean you've never heard of tigers? Tigers are the greatest animals that ever lived!" cried Calvin.

"Well, perhaps you should come along in the wagon with us and explain," said Gandalf, patting the seat.

"My mom told me never to get in a car with strangers," said Calvin.

"Don't worry; I assure you we are…" Gandalf started to say.

"But since I never listen to my mom anyway, I don't see why I should stop now!"

Both the wizard and hobbit stared at him as though they'd never seen a kid quite like him before, which they hadn't. "Very well then," said Gandalf slowly, "Hop in!"

Calvin and Hobbes jumped into the back of the wagon, which was already quite full. "What's this stuff?" asked Calvin.

"Fireworks," replied Gandalf, "For the party tonight."

"Cool! Can I try one out?"

"No! Wait until later. Besides, I'm the only one who knows how to use them properly."

"Fine," grumbled Calvin. No one except Hobbes saw him sneak a little one in his pocket.

"Now will you pleased explain what a "tiger" is?" asked Gandalf.

"They're animals, kinda like big cats that live in the wild. You do know what cats are right?" asked Calvin.

"Yes indeed," said Gandalf, "And what do they do?"

"We like to explore, and hunt, and sleep. Things like that," said Hobbes.

"Interesting," said Frodo.

"And how did you two get here?" asked Gandalf.

"We came in my box, Movie Magic. It's a long story, but I saw a commercial for this movie on TV and I wanted to see it but Mom would never let me, so I decided to use Movie Magic, an invention of mine, to travel into the movie itself!"

Gandalf and Frodo actually turned around to stare at him. "Uh, could you please repeat that?" Frodo stammered finally.

"It's ok if you don't understand him, no one ever does," whispered Hobbes with a grin.

"I heard that you mangy furball! Anyway, how else can I explain it? I saw you on TV, I wanted to have a taste of the action, so I hopped into my box and traveled here, and now I'm thinking there must be some mistake because you guys don't seem interested in action and adventure!"

"I'm sorry, but I don't understand, what's a TV? And how could you possibly travel here in a box?" asked Frodo.

"Calvin's box isn't an ordinary box," explained Hobbes, "It can do just about anything he wants it to do."

"Yeah, I left it back there," said Calvin, pointing towards the woods, "I'll get it later and demonstrate for you."

"And what's a TV?" asked Frodo.

"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TV IS! HOW DO YOU SURVIVE?" cried Calvin.

"I don't know. What is it?"

"It is heaven on earth!" whispered Calvin with reverence.

"It's a box that lets you see moving pictures with sound," said Hobbes, "It can show you what's happening in other areas of the world, and it also has different shows you can watch."

"What sort of magic allows you to do that!" asked Gandalf.

"Electricity," said Hobbes, "I guess you guys don't have it here."

"No electricity! What sort of horrible place is this! This sounds like one of Dad's "Build Character Zones"!"

Hobbes rolled his eyes. "And we're all so amazed by the way you handle this horrific crime!"

"Good, because you should," said Calvin, missing the sarcasm in his friend's voice.

After what felt like forever, Gandalf finally pulled up to the home of his old friend, Bilbo Baggins. Frodo had given up riding with Calvin and Hobbes as they broke out into another fight in the back, and had jumped off the wagon a long time ago, waving goodbye to Gandalf. The wizard felt like jumping out himself.

Bilbo must've had more patience then he normally let on, because he let the two newcomers stay at his house, and graciously invited them to his party. Hobbes insisted that they spend the entireafternoon and evening getting ready.

"C'mon Calvin, this is going to be a huge party, and there'll be babes to impress!"

"You want to impress short girls with hairy feet!"

"Female tigers have hairy feet, and boy are they HOT!"

"There's something seriously wrong with you, Hobbes. If you weren't my best friend I'd send you home right now to take care of your mental issues!"

"Who're you calling mental? You're the one who keeps running around this poor guy's house, screaming that you won't last long without TV!"

"I NEED TV!"

And before Hobbes could do anything, Calvin ran out the room and began running around the house for the fifth time, screaming that he wouldn't last long without TV. Hobbes turned back to putting on his tie. "Humans," he muttered.

That night the two friends made their way down to the field. It was lit and filled with tents and people dancing. Gandalf was busy setting up his fireworks.

"FOOD!" cried Hobbes, and he raced for one of the tents. Within minutes he was eating as much as everyone else. The hobbits were delighted, and very curious to meet the strange creature Gandalf had brought with them.

A few minutes later, Calvin wandered up. Hobbes, who had been shoveling down all different kinds of meat, swallowed and said, "What's up?"

"This party is ok, but I'm getting bored."

"Already? You should try some of this chicken. It's delicious!"

"Isn't it?" said one of the hobbits, "But you should try some of this ham too. It's the best I've ever tasted, right Merry?"

Another hobbit, obviously Merry, nodded, since his mouth was too full to talk.

"Calvin, this is Merry and Pippin," said Hobbes.

"Hi," said Calvin, "Look Hobbes, I don't care about food right now, I'm bored!"

"What do you want to do?" asked Hobbes, before taking a huge bite out of some turkey.

"I want to play Calvinball, but no one else knows how to play it!"

"What's Calvinball?" asked Pippin.

"It's the best game ever, and there's only one rule: every time you play it, you have to make up completely new rules!" said Calvin.

"You basically make the rules up as you go along," said Hobbes.

"Wow," said Merry, "So you could pretty much take this game anywhere!"

"Exactly," said Hobbes.

"So, for this game, _this _could be the Calvinball," said Calvin, holding up a large plate.

"But that's not a ball!" said Pippin.

"It doesn't matter, the Calvinball could be anything," said Calvin, "Oh yeah, and we'll need masks!"

"Why masks?" asked Merry.

"I'm sorry, but no one's allowed to question the masks," said Calvin, as he ran off to get some masks.

He came back a couple minutes later. No one was quite sure where he's gotten the material to make four masks, and he wouldn't say.

"Alright, this time we'll divide into two teams," said Calvin, "Hobbes and I can be on one team, and you two can be on the other."

"I want to be on Merry's team!" yelled Hobbes.

"Fine you traitor! Pippin can be on my team!" said Calvin.

"So how do we play?" asked Pippin.

"Let's say that the object of this game is to…steal the largest firework out of Gandalf's cart and set it off in the nearest tent!"

"And you can use the Calvinball as a Frisbee to hit members of the other team!" said Hobbes.

"What happens if you get hit?" asked Merry.

"The other team gets to throw pies at you!" said Pippin.

"Excellent idea!" exclaimed Calvin, "You're picking up the nuances of this game fast!"

"And whoever loses the entire game has to steal Bilbo's birthday cake and then watch the other team eat it!" said Merry.

"Wonderful!" cried Hobbes.

"Everyone got there masks on?" asked Calvin, "Ready…set…GO!"

Both pairs dashed as fast as they could to Gandalf's wagon. Hobbes and Merry got there first. Hobbes flung his partner into the wagon, where he promptly seized a huge, dragon-shaped firecracker.

"Come on, let's…ow!" Merry yelped as the plate hit him in the head.

"Gotcha!" yelled Calvin, "Pippin, will you get the pies?"

"Gladly," said Pippin, laughing hysterically, "This game _is_ fun!" And off he ran.

* * *

Bilbo walked over to where Gandalf was smoking his pipe. "Enjoying yourself, my old friend?" he asked. 

"Oh yes," replied the old wizard smiling, "You've cooked up quite a party here."

"Why thank you," said Bilbo, "I think I'll have some of this apple pie here. Do you want a piece?"

"Certainly!" If there was one thing Gandalf loved, it was apple pie. And no one made it like the hobbits of the Shire.

"Alright then, wait! Where'd it go?" Bilbo looked around in confusion, until he saw Pippin running off with two of the pies in his hand. "What's he up to?"

"I don't know, and I don't want to find out," said Gandalf.

* * *

Pippin ran up to Calvin. "Would you like to throw the apple, or the lemon meringue?" 

"Well, I hate lemons, so I'll go for the apple!"

"Here you go!"

"FIRE!" they yelled. Hobbes and Merry ducked, but still got a face full of pie each.

Hobbes licked his face eagerly. "Mmm," he said, "Apple!"

"I hate lemon," said Merry sadly.

They didn't see the other team grabbing the firework and running into the tent.

"Ok, Pippin, I've thought of a new rule!"

"What's that?"

Calvin pulled out the little firecracker he'd been saving in his pocket. "We have to set off this little beauty on the other team if we lose, as a sort of consolation prize."

"Sounds fair enough. And if we win?"

"We fling it in Gandalf's wagon, thus setting off the other fireworks, thus creating a huge explosion, celebrating our victory!"

"Excellent idea!"

Merry heard all this from outside. "So that's how they're going to play, huh?"

"I've got a new rule too!" said Hobbes with an evil grin, "If we lose, which we appear to be doing, we get to report them to Gandalf, and then steal the cake and eat it ourselves!"

"Brilliant!" yelled Merry. They set off to find the wizard.

* * *

"Ready?" asked Calvin. 

Pippin paused. "Don't you think it's kind of odd that we haven't seen Merry or Hobbes?"

"No. Why?"

"Don't you think they would've tried to stop us by now?"

"They're probably still eating that pie. You worry too much Pippin. Let's set off that firework!"

"Consider it done!" said Pippin, and he lit the match.

BOOM!

A great flaming dragon rose up into the air, circled the party, dove down, flew over the nearby lake, and made a spectacular explosion. Everyone cheered, thinking it was part of the party. Calvin and Pippin were lying on the ground, badly burnt and stunned.

"Well, well, well," said a voice, "Looks like you two were right!"

Calvin barely had time to look up when he was picked up off the ground by the speaker, who was Gandalf. "Calvin and Pippin," he said, "I might've known." He turned to Hobbes and Merry, who were laughing hysterically. "Thank you for informing me," he called, "I shall most certainly punish these two!" And he dragged the two boys away.

Hobbes and Merry found Calvin and Pippin washing dishes. Calvin was not going down quietly. "What kind of cruel person are you?" he was yelling to Gandalf, "You're like my mom and dad!"

"Having fun?" asked Hobbes.

"NO!" yelled Calvin, "Shut up!"

"Yeah, you guys are nothing but dirty little traitors!" snapped Pippin, "And…hey! How'd you get icing all over your hands?"

"Icing?" asked Merry, stuffing his hands in his mouth, "What icing?"

"YOU ATE THE CAKE! BUT WE WON!" screamed Calvin.

"Temper, temper," said Hobbes, "We did no such thing!"

But no one believed him as they heard one of the hobbits cry, "Hey, where'd the birthday cake go?"

"Never mind that," cried another, "It's time for Bilbo's speech!"

The hobbits all cheered as Bilbo stood up on a platform to begin his speech. Calvin yawned and paid no attention. Speeches were boring, that was a proven fact. He didn't notice Bilbo's voice begin to falter as he put his hands behind his back, and wouldn't have seen what happened next if Hobbes hadn't elbowed him.

"I bid you all a very fond farewell," Bilbo was saying, "I'm going now. Goodbye!" And he disappeared.

There was a stunned silence, broken only by a certain six-year-old's scream, "HEY! HE STOLE MY INVISIBLE CRETINIZER!"

A/N: Lol, so there you are, Ch. 2! Sorry it took so long to update, but I was busy with my other story, "Lost in Middle-Earth". I'll try to update more often.

To my reviewers:

**Megx: **My first reviewer! Thanks!

**Beautystar: **I'm glad you thought it was funny! I hope you liked this one too!

**British Fox: **You're welcome; I love your story too! I'll try to update more often!


	3. Tracer Bullet vs The Evil Ring of DOOM!

Disclaimer: I don't own Calvin and Hobbes or the Lord of the Rings.

Chapter 3: Tracer Bullet vs. the Evil Ring of DOOM!

After Bilbo vanished, mostly everybody ran around trying to find him, in what seemed to be a fruitless search. Hobbes would have liked to have helped, but he was too busy trying to console a certain six-year-old.

"HE STOLE IT! STOLE IT I TELL YA!"

"Uh, Calvin?'

"STOLE IT!"

"Calvin?"

"STOLE IT!"

"Calvin!"

"STOLE IT!"

"CALVIN!"

"What?"

"Calvin," Hobbes began as patiently as possible, "What are you talking about?"

"My invisible cretinizer!" screamed Calvin, "That sneaky old hobbit must'vetaken it!"

"What makes you think that?" asked Pippin.

"He must've used it to turn invisible," said Calvin, "How else could he have disappeared?"

"Calvin," asked Hobbes, "Did you bring this invisible cretinizer with you?"

"No."

"Well then, how could he have taken it?"

Calvin paused. "I hate it when you're so smart," he grumbled.

"That's 'cause I'm a tiger. We're naturally gifted creatures."

Calvin began to pace up and down. Someone was missing, either turned invisible or disappeared. If so, then how?

_It was another puzzling case for me, Tracer Bullet._

"Are you ok?" asked Merry, looking at Calvin, who was still pacing and now murmuring under his breath.

"Fine, fine," he muttered, "Never been better."

_Cases aren't the best line of work, but they bring in the cash, and cash is something I'm a little low on, ever since that run-in with the guy at the bar…but that's a different story. I had a job to do, and I would do it right, just like always._

_I leaned back in my chair at the office and played the facts around in my head. An old guy vanished into thin air at his 111th birthday party. Nobody knows how he did it or where he went. It was time to question the suspects._

"Where were _you_ when this Bilbo guy disappeared?" asked Calvin suddenly, thrusting his finger dramatically at Merry.

"I…uh…was…um…what's he doing Hobbes?"

Hobbes suppressed a grin. "I believe you just met Tracer Bullet."

"_Who?_"

"Tracer Bullet. One of Calvin's alter-egos. The others are Stupendous Man and Spaceman Spiff. And sometimes he's a dinosaur. You get used to it."

"Just answer the question Shorty," said Calvin.

"_Shorty?_"

"Just answer it," said Hobbes.

"I was right here next to you."

_Well, the man had an alibi, and it was a good one too. But then, some of the best I've ever seen had good alibis. I decided to move on to the next guy._

"And where were _you_ when Baggins disappeared?" Calvin asked Pippin.

"Right next to you and Merry, drying those dishes," answered Pippin promptly.

"Very good," muttered Calvin.

_Washing and drying dishes is a dame's work in my opinion, but I don't decide what people do for a living. Anyway, it was the truth, and that was all that mattered. I thought of asking my buddy if he saw anything, but that cat's a slippery one, and I never like to get on his bad side. So I decided to head over to the scene of the crime._

"Now what's he doing?" asked Merry. They had followed Calvin to the Party Tree where Bilbo had made his speech.

"Step back boys, and don't touch anything. I'm looking for clues!"

"Calvin, why don't we try his house?" asked Hobbes.

_There was no doubt in my mind: that cat was a smart one who had all the best ideas._

So they all walked up to Bilbo's house, except for Merry and Pippin, who wanted to stay at the party and were a little freaked out by Calvin's "alter-egos". Inside Gandalf was puffing his pipe. Calvin wasted no time with formalities. "Hey man," he yelled, jabbing a finger in Gandalf's back and causing the wizard to choke on his pipe weed in surprise, "What are you doing in Baggins' house? Do you know where he is?"

_The old geezer I found in the house was coughing, always a sure sign of guilt. He was dodging the question. But I could be patient. Sort of._

"Hey, I asked you a question!" yelled Calvin in his best "tough guy" voice.

"I…am sorry," coughed Gandalf, trying to get his bearings, "I…know…where Bilbo…is…if you'll…give me a minute…"

_Aha! A confession!_

"All right, but one false move and you're gone, got that buster?" asked Calvin.

"I think he gets it," said Hobbes, who was rolling his eyes when his friend wasn't looking.

Gandalf cleared his throat, just as Frodo ran in shouting for Bilbo. "Bilbo?" he called, "Where are you?"

"Ask _him_," said Calvin, pointing a finger dramatically at Gandalf, "_He's _the culprit! I got a straight confession. We're just all going to sit down and have a nice little chat, and no funny stuff!" He glared at Gandalf, who looked extremely annoyed.

"Very well," snarled the wizard, "Bilbo is fine. He used his magic ring to disappear and he's gone to stay with the elves."

Calvin's whole mood changed in an instant. "Really? Is he gone yet? 'Cause if he's going to the North Pole, I have an important message for him to give to Santa!"

_Let me guess, _thought Hobbes, _He's a good kid with a good heart, except when he misbehaves, which is all the time. So please have mercy and give him toys he doesn't deserve for Christmas._

Gandalf, on the other hand, looked confused. "What are you talking about?"

"What d'you mean? You said Bilbo was going with the elves. Elves work for Santa. I want Bilbo to give Santa my letter saying that I've been good this year!"

"Who's Santa?"

"_You don't know who Santa is? _You mean he doesn't _exist_ here? What kind of horrible place _is_ this? And what do these elves do all day? Make their own toys?"

"Elves don't make toys, except for their children, which are few. They are beautiful, wise creatures. But I suppose they are different where you come from."

"I'll say," said Calvin.

Gandalf turned to Frodo. "Bilbo had left you Bag End, along with all his possessions."

"Tell him thanks, but I don't want it really," said Calvin, "Unless he gives me money to do some serious remodeling."

"Not _you_," snapped Gandalf, "Frodo."

"Oh. How come _he _gets it and not me?"

"He is Bilbo's heir of course," said Gandalf, "Now stop asking foolish questions."

"They're not foolish. They're intelligent and well-thought out!"

"I didn't know you even had the capability to ask intelligent, well-thought out questions," said Hobbes.

"Well yeah I-HEY!" In the following seconds Hobbes found himself running for his life around Bag End.

Gandalf watched him go, and then stretched out his hand for the ring that Frodo had found on the floor. It was the magic one that Bilbo owned. The wizard placed it in an envelope, sealed it, and then got up to leave. Something had happened tonight that he had not liked, and it had nothing to do with the sudden appearance of Calvin and Hobbes. He was beginning to dislike the mysterious powers of Bilbo's ring, and he was going to discover the truth, no matter how long it took. He said farewell to a thoroughly confused Frodo, and left.

Calvin and Hobbes ran in a few minutes later. They were out of breath and looked all scratched up. "Hey…where'd…the old guy…get to?" panted Calvin.

"He left," said Frodo, sounding surprised.

"What? Why?" asked Hobbes. He could tell something was wrong.

Frodo looked down at the envelope in his hand. "I don't know."

"What's in there?" asked Calvin.

"Bilbo's magic ring, that makes someone invisible."

"Cool!" yelled Calvin, "I could use one of those! Can I try it?"

"I don't think so," said Frodo. He looked a bit scared. "Gandalf said not to touch it. He told me to put it away where no one will find it."

"What does he think it is?" asked Calvin sarcastically, "An evil ring of doom?"

As a matter of fact, that's exactly what it was.

A.N: Dun dun _dun_! Sorry this is so short, and it was such a long time before I updated, but the next chapter will be longer I promise!

**To my reviewers:**

**Kaladelia Undomiel: **Hey! I'm glad you like my other story. It's ok, we all get a bit hyper sometimes. I'll try and update this faster next time.

**Ghost in the Machine: **Yeah it is kind of weird. I don't think anyone's tried this sort of crossover before. Thanks for the review, I really thrive on them!

**Dp03kf: **Thank you, I'm so happy to know you liked it!

**British Fox: **I'm embarrassed to say I had no idea what nuance was. I stole that line from one of the comics. Fortunately the disclaimer should cover up for that. I looked it up and it means a variation. So I guess it would mean that Pippin picked the game up fast by coming up with different ways to play it. But I learned a valuable lesson: Never use a word if you don't really know what it means. I've done that too much in the past.

**Swing123: **OMG you reviewed! I love your Calvin&Hobbes fanfics, so to me it's like if I wrote a comic strip and Bill Watterson complimented me on it! It's pretty cool! Anyway, Calvin can't carry the Ring, he loves power, I'd be dooming Middle Earth if I did that! I know exactly where I'm putting them; that was one of the first things on the planning agenda. I think it will be funny. Thanks for reviewing.

**BingoGrl821: **HEY! OMG you are the second person to review that I actually know! I am so happy! I'm also glad to be getting support from the home front, if you know what I mean. Thank you!


	4. This Looks Like a Job for

Disclaimer: I don't own Calvin and Hobbes or the Lord of the Rings.

Chapter 4: This Looks Like a Job for…

By Day 2 the hobbits of the Shire were dearly wishing that Calvin and Hobbes would just leave, except for Merry and Pippin, who had grown enormously fond of them. But Calvin refused. To him, this was like a summer vacation land! Sure, it was lacking in the bloody-scary-monster department, but for someone who just wanted to get away from his normal life, it was pretty good. Hobbes just loved the food.

One morning, after months of staying in the Shire, Pippin suggested that they go to have some of the best mushrooms in the entire Shire.

"I don't like mushrooms! They're disgusting!" replied Calvin.

"I do," said Hobbes, licking his lips.

"You'll love these," assured Merry, "Even if to get them we can't exactly be legal about it."

"What's that supposed to mean? We're stealing them?" asked Calvin excitedly.

"Weeeellll, we prefer the term "borrowing"," said Merry.

"Borrowing without permission?" asked Hobbes.

"Exactly," replied Pippin.

"Well what are we waiting for! Let's go!" yelled Calvin.

The four wandered over to Farmer Maggot's house, where his vegetable patch was clearly visible, along with his nearby cornfield.

"I'll get it," Hobbes volunteered, "Tigers are great at sneaking around. It's what makes us such great predators!"

"Are you sure?" asked Pippin.

"Trust me," said Calvin, "He's the best at sneaking and pouncing I've ever seen!"

So Hobbes crept across the front porch and over to the garden, where he immediately began to snag not just mushrooms, but all sorts of crops. "I didn't know Hobbes ate so many vegetables," said Merry.

"He doesn't," replied Calvin, "He just likes to show off."

At that moment however, the front door swung open and Farmer Maggot came out. Bounding along beside him were his three big dogs.

"Uh-oh," said Calvin.

"OI! Get out of my garden you varmint!" yelled Maggot. The dogs barked and immediately gave chase.

"RUN!" yelled Pippin and they all tore through the cornfield. Soon the farmhouse was out of sight.

"Ha!" said Calvin, "We did it!" Out of curiosity, he retraced his steps a bit and peered through the corn to see how far away they'd gotten. A split second later the sound of barking dogs was heard louder than ever and Calvin came dashing back looking terrified. "OH GREAT, HE'S GOT A PITCHFORK! AND THOSE DOGS ARE HUGE!"

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" cried Hobbes and they tore off again. They hadn't gone far when they ran into a path and slammed straight into two more hobbits!

"We didn't do it!" cried Calvin. Pippin, on the other hand, looked relieved.

"Guys, it's Frodo and Sam!"

"Oh it's only you two. Well, we'd love to hang around and chat, but we have some…er…stuff to do, so if you'll excuse us…" Calvin made to continue running, but was stopped by a very suspicious Sam.

"What've you lot been up to? You haven't been digging around in Farmer Maggot's crops again, have you?"

"THEY MADE ME DO IT!" screamed Calvin, pointing an accusing finger at Merry and Pippin.

Hobbes snorted. "Well he didn't need too much persuasion."

"Is that what you think you low-lying, sneaky furball…"

Just before things could turn _really_ ugly, the sounds of the barking dogs and Maggot's yells brought the friends back to the situation at hand. "Look," said Calvin, shoving vegetables into Frodo and Sam's arms, "Make yourselves useful and help us carry our loot!" With that they were off.

Unfortunately none of them saw the edge of a small cliff coming up to meet them. All six of them went flying into the main road.

"I…ow…meant to do that!" said Calvin with as much dignity as he could muster.

"Sure you did," muttered Hobbes, "Hey look! More mushrooms!" He, Merry, Pippin, and Sam darted over to begin the feast.

Calvin saw that Frodo hadn't joined them. "I don't really like mushrooms either," he said. But the hobbit wasn't listening. "What are you looking at?"

"I think we should get off the road," said Frodo, without taking his eyes off of it.

Calvin shrugged. "Why?" he said, "I don't see anything wrong." Suddenly a wild shriek filled the air. Frodo quickly ordered everyone to hide, and they all crouched under a tree root, Hobbes having to squeeze himself in, because there was barely enough room.

Not a moment too soon. Calvin suddenly heard the soft sound of hoof beats on the road. They stopped, and someone jumped down. A tall, menacing-looking, dark cloaked stranger as it was.

The black rider crept closer and closer, sniffing the air. The air seemed to get cold, even though it was summer. One thing was clear in Calvin's mind: this guy was an evildoer.

And there was only one who could successfully deal with evildoers.

The Black Rider was just about to bend over the tree root when he heard the sound of someone rummaging through his pockets. It was Calvin, pulling out a very wrinkled red cape, all rolled up in a ball.

"_This_ looks like a job for…STUPENDOUS MAN! Champion of kids and hobbits everywhere! Enemy of creepy black-robed guys! That means _you_ dude!"

Calvin pulled on his cape and came flying out of the tree to tackle his foe. All that Hobbes wrestling really _did_ pay off!

"DIE sinister fiend! Die! Die!"

The rider shrieked and rolled around, fighting back. "Get off me you ridiculous Halfling!" he hissed.

"I'm not a Halfling youmoron! I'm a kid!"

The rider pulled him off and threw him to the ground. "Where is the Ring?" he asked.

"What ring?"

"Do you know a Baggins?"

"If I did, why would I tell you?"

"You are an insubordinate _liar_!" hissed the rider, "The Dark Lord would not be pleased by your rudeness."

"Then I'd say it's a good thing I'm not planning on meeting this Dark Lord any time soon, wouldn't you think?"

"We'll see," hissed the rider, reaching to pick him up.

"Whoa, whoa! Put me down! You evil menace, your strength is nothing compared to STUPENDOUS MAN'S stupendous strength! Hey! HEY! Hobbes maul him! Maul him!"

Hobbes was at this point too afraid to face the rider who, for some reason, seemed to chill his blood. But a particular scent reached his nose, which drove out all fear. "_Horse_," he whispered, licking his lips, "Yum…"

Five seconds later the horse was tearing off down the road, squealing in terror, its rider just barely hanging on, as a hungry tiger chased after it. "I love horse!" cried Hobbes joyfully, "It's been too long…"

"Ha!" yelled Calvin, punching the air with his fist, "And don't come back! Unless you wish to face the wrath of STUPENDOUS MAN and his trusty sidekick, STUPENDOUS TIGER!"

Hobbes came back panting a few minutes later. "That horse was too fast," he gasped, looking extremely disappointed, "It's gone now."

"That's all right old buddy! You saved the day! I should seriously tell Mom to make you an extra cape…" said Calvin.

"Never mind capes, what was that thing?" asked Pippin.

Frodo looked like he knew, but wasn't telling. "Come on," he said, beckoning to the others. They followed him deeper into the woods.

"Where are we going?" asked Calvin.

"I'll explain later," said Frodo, "Right now we have to leave."

"Leave the Shire?" asked Calvin, clearly puzzled. Then his whole face lit up. "Are we getting into the action sequences yet? Hey-hang on! I've seen those black riders before!"

Frodo and Sam turned around sharply. "You have?" asked Frodo.

"Yeah, on the commercial for the movie! There were nine of them!"

None of the hobbits were going to bother asking him to explain what a movie commercial was. He'd already tried, and they still didn't get it. All the same, Frodo looked worried.

"Are they bad?" asked Hobbes.

"I'm not sure," replied Frodo, "But I didn't like the look of that one."

"Do you think he was after the Ring?" asked Sam.

"What ring?" asked Merry. Frodo shot Sam a look.

"You mean the magic one from Bilbo's party?" asked Hobbes, "Why would someone go to all the trouble to look for something like that?"

"Because it's magical, moron," muttered Calvin under his breath. The others heard but just ignored him.

"I promise I'll explain everything to you once we get where we're going," said Frodo.

"So they're coming with us then?" asked Sam grimly.

Frodo hadn't even thought of that. He'd been so worried about putting as much distance between himself and that Rider as possible. "Well…do you want to?" he asked them awkwardly.

"Is this a horrifying scary adventure with a chance of death?" asked Calvin.

Frodo nodded, "Possibly. But I won't put you in any dan…"

"Count us in!" said Calvin brightly.

"All…right…" said Frodo, looking confused and surprised, "Merry and Pippin?"

"Of course!" said Pippin.

"If you're in danger then we won't abandon you!" said Merry cheerfully.

"Very well," said Frodo, "But we're wasting time. We have to leave for the village of Bree right now."

"Can you tell us why, now that we are officially your comrades-in-arms?" asked Calvin eagerly.

"You heard Mr. Frodo," snapped Sam, "We'll tell you our business once we're safely in Bree! Now get moving!"

**To my reviewers:**

**Kaledelia Undomiel: **My school let out June 15. I LOVE bringing troublemakers to Middle Earth; I wonder who I should do next?

People of Middle Earth: (cringe in horror)

Me: No wonder they all hate me…

**Swing123: **I'm so happy to know you like this! Thanks for reviewing!

**Ghost in the Machine: **Yeah, well, they probably wouldn't even want him in the Fellowship! But that never stopped Calvin and Hobbes before eh?

**Digigirl0093: **(smiles) I love them too…

**Garfieldodie: **Hey, I've read some of your Calvin and Hobbes stories! I'm so glad you like mine!

**HiBob: **Well, at least Hobbes might've had good intentions! ;) But no world would be safe if Calvin had it. We'd all be doomed!


	5. An Inncident in Bree

Disclaimer: I don't own Calvin and Hobbes, or the Lord of the Rings.

Chapter 5: An Inn-cident in Bree

"So we're supposed to be protecting an evil ring, because if it gets back to its evil master Sauron, it's the end of the world as we know it?" asked Hobbes.

Frodo nodded.

"Wow…" said Hobbes, lost for words.

"Look, when are we getting to Bree?" asked Calvin impatiently, "It's dark out now!"

"Aw, are you afraid of the dark Calvin?" teased Hobbes.

"Shut up," was the response, "Just answer the question."

"I don't know," replied Frodo, "We need to get to Buckleberry Ferry first, so we can cross the Brandywine River!"

"I can get us there fastest," said Merry, who was now leading the group.

Suddenly a Black Rider came out of nowhere and let out a wild shriek. Its horse pawed the air, scaring Calvin and the hobbits out of their wits as they fled down the path toward the dock.

But the rider did not chase them. The horse turned in their direction, only to see the same hungry tiger licking his lips, baring his teeth, and flexing his claws. It whinnied in terror and tore away in the opposite direction, the rider's curses heard clearly through the night.

Hobbes stared after them longingly, then came to his senses and followed the others.

Unfortunately, there was more than one rider this time, and they were all very determined to block the six from reaching the ferry. Sam, Merry, Pippin, and Calvin made it, but Frodo couldn't seem to run fast enough. Hobbes was still behind the rest of the group, but Calvin thought he had a good idea of how to speed them both up.

"I'M HOOOOOMMME!" he screamed.

WHAM!

Frodo never saw what hit him. All he knew was that one second he was running his life out, the next he was flying through the air until he landed safely on the ferry, watching the riders recede on the other side of the bank. Calvin and Hobbes, on the other hand, were not so lucky in their choice of landing spots.

"Woo-hoo! We nearly went all the way across the river!" gasped Hobbes exuberantly.

"I wouldn't call halfway _almost across the river_!" snapped Calvin, spluttering and trying to stay afloat.

"Thank you Hobbes for saving Frodo and the Ring. Why you're very welcome Calvin! It was no trouble at all!"

"How about 'Thanks for getting me wet for nothing', you mindless carnivore!"

"Why yes indeed, I _am_ a carnivore! And do you know what carnivores love to eat?" Hobbes licked his lips.

"You wouldn't dare," said Calvin.

"Wouldn't I?" asked Hobbes. Calvin didn't have to come up with a clever comeback, because fortunately Merry rowed up and the hobbits pulled them aboard.

"Thank you for saving me Hobbes," said Frodo, "That was amazing!"

"It was MY idea," grumbled Calvin.

"But I was the one with the capabilities to pull it off," said Hobbes smugly.

"Listen you mangy…"

"Just get on the boat," said Sam.

They got to Bree without any further incident, as long as you didn't call Hobbes barreling through the gates when the gate-keeper wouldn't let them in an "incident". The real trouble started when they reached the inn, The Prancing Pony. ("What kind of name is _that?_" asked Calvin scornfully.)

Gandalf was supposed to show up, but he didn't. "Where is he?" asked Hobbes.

"I don't know," replied Frodo.

"Well, he's not here," said Calvin casually, looking around. They were sitting at a table in the bar section of the inn. The owner, Mr. Butterbur, came bustling by.

"Hey, can we have a couple of sodas over here?" Calvin yelled.

"A couple of _what?_" asked Mr. Butterbur.

"Calvin, you know they don't have sodas here," said Hobbes.

"I thought they might have _something _good to drink here!"

"Well," said Mr. Butterbur, thinking hard, "We have some of the finest ale in Bree. Would you like that?"

"_Ale?_" gasped Calvin, "As in _beer_?"

Mr. Butterbur nodded.

"You don't have underage restrictions?" asked a shocked Calvin.

"What are those?" asked Mr. Butterbur.

"I love you guys!" cried Calvin, "One bottle for me, and how about you Hobbes?"

Hobbes, who wasn't feeling at all comfortable in the bar, as he was getting a lot of stares, declined. "If you don't mind, I'm going back to our room."

"Come on! We're in a bar! We need to party!" cried Calvin.

"Party? Did someone say party?" asked Pippin, who was eagerly bringing back his own pint of beer.

"I'm out of here," said Hobbes.

"I've got a great idea!" said Merry, "Let's have a drinking contest!"

"Prepare to lose!" yelled Calvin. He immediately grabbed his mug and started drinking. "There," he said, "Piece of cake!"

Pippin grabbed his mug and lifted it up, then stopped. "Are you ok Calvin?" he asked. "You look sick."

"I'm fine," said Calvin, "I just need to lie down for a bit when we're done…my stomach doesn't feel too well…"

Merry and Pippin looked at each other. "How old are you Calvin?" asked Merry worriedly.

"Six," replied Calvin, "Oh no…I don't feel well…"

"Do you want to lie down?" asked Pippin, now thoroughly alarmed.

"No…gotta win…uh-oh…this isn't good…"

"That's it, we're calling off the contest!" yelled Merry. He and Pippin grabbed Calvin and dragged him into their room as fast as possible.

Hobbes wasn't there, instead, there was a note saying he had gone for a stroll outside. "Good," groaned Calvin, "I don't want him to see me be…be…" The rest was drowned out as the ale came up.

"Ohhhh…" groaned Calvin, sinking onto one of the beds, "I _never _want to drink that again…"

"Does this mean we win the contest?" asked Pippin.

"_Pippin!_" groaned Merry.

"What?"

Hobbes walked casually through the dark village streets. It was nice and cool out and he loved getting the fresh air.

Suddenly all his fur stood on end. Tiger radar was going off as his lips pulled back in a vicious snarl. Something was here, something evil.

Hobbes peered around a corner. There, standing on the fallen gate, were the Black Riders. _Hmm_, he thought, _Maybe I _shouldn't _have knocked down that gate…_

One of the Riders let out a shriek. Without further hesitation, Hobbes ran as fast as he could back to the Prancing Pony. It was dark inside, and he realized that he had been out longer than he'd thought. Sprinting to their room, he pulled open the door, and found all five of his friends sleeping with the blankets pulled over their heads.

"Guys, wake up! They're here!" he yelled. No response. Without further ado, Hobbes dashed over to the first bed and pulled off the covers…

…where there was nothing but a pile of pillows!

Confused, Hobbes pulled the blankets back and proceeded to the next four beds. All of them were the same. It hit him then. They were decoys!

Hobbes would have then gone to look for his friends, but he heard many soft footsteps. All thoughts of bravery forgotten, he dived underneath one of the beds and hid there, trembling violently at the thought of what the Riders would do when they found the decoys. No points for courage, but Calvin would never know.

The Riders quietly walked into the room, stood by each bed, and struck. Nothing happened of course, and when they realized what they were, the Riders shrieked in fury and ran from the room.

Hobbes crept out of the bed slowly. When he was positive they were gone, he looked out the window and saw a man across the street looking at him through a barn window. The man turned and started motioning to someone in the room, who turned out to be Calvin. Calvin mouthed, "HOBBES!" and started beckoning to him. That was all the tiger needed to run over.

"Are you ok buddy?" asked Calvin, giving him a hug, "I'm sorry we didn't wait for you, but this Strider guy made us hide!"

"It was a smart idea," replied Hobbes, "I assume this is the Strider guy?"

"Just Strider," said the man, "And you're…Hobbes?"

Hobbes nodded.

"Forgive me," said Strider, "But I've traveled far and wide and have never seen a tiger before."

"This is a sick world," said Calvin, "If I weren't dying to see some action and escape from school, I'd leave right now and let those adults watch their stupid PG-13 movie."

"What's a PG-13 movie?" asked Strider.

"It's a long story," said Hobbes, "But what happened to you guys?"

"Well…" said Calvin.

* * *

(Flashback)

"_Pippin!_" snarled Merry.

"What?"

(Pause)

* * *

"Wait, what happened to Pippin?" asked Hobbes.

"That's a long story that I'd rather not discuss," replied Calvin.

"What did you do?" asked Hobbes with an evil grin.

"Nothing!"

"Come on, you can tell me! I won't laugh…too much!"

"Will you let me get on with the story?" demanded Calvin.

* * *

(Flashback continued)

Just then Sam burst in. "Is Mr. Frodo in here?" he asked wildly.

"No, why?" asked Pippin.

"The Ring accidentally slipped on his finger, and he disappeared! And this does not call for Tracer Bullet Calvin!" he added hastily.

Calvin slumped back on the bed, looking disappointed.

"So then what happened?" asked Merry.

"I saw someone that Mr. Butterbur called Strider leading Frodo away. Or at least, I _hoped _it wasn't Frodo he was leading away. That's why I checked with you."

"Let's bag this Strider guy," said Calvin, sitting up, all earlier sickness forgotten, "Where is he?"

"Somewhere upstairs."

Calvin led them up the stairs, where he proceeded to bang open every door until he found Frodo and the mysterious Strider. He pulled out a rubber band.

"Unhand that hobbit or I shoot, alien fiend!" he screamed, "Your powers are no match against Spaceman Spiff, inter-galactic extraordinaire!"

"What's an inter-galactic extraordinaire?" asked a puzzled Strider.

Calvin actually dropped the rubber band. "Man, this place is almost as bad as school!" he moaned.

"Who are you?" asked Strider.

"This is Calvin," said Frodo shakily.

"If you have any last words, I suggest you say them now before I call my tiger and sic him on you!" said Calvin.

"I'm not going to hurt you," said Strider calmly.

"Oh yeah? Then what are you doing with Frodo here?"

"An excellent question," said Merry, coming up in the doorway with Sam and Pippin.

"I'm actually trying to protect you, if you'd just listen…"

"Quick Frodo! Run while I hit him in the eye with the rubber band!"

"Wait!" yelled Strider, "Will you _please _listen?"

"That's what my parents and teacher always say. It never comes to anything good. Usually a lecture."

"I'm not trying to lecture you, please understand, I'm trying to hide you from the Nazgul," Strider hissed.

"What are Nazgul?" demanded Calvin.

"Those Black Riders you ran into."

"I knew they were evil!" yelled Calvin excitedly, "Why do you want to help us though?"

"Because I'm a Ranger. That is what we do. And because…"

"HE'S A PARK RANGER! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES BEFORE HE GIVES YOU A TICKET!"

"No, no, no," hissed Strider, grabbing onto his collar, "Be quiet!"

"YOU'LL NEVER MAKE ME PAY A FINE, YOU SICK, DEMENTED…"

"What is he talking about?" asked Strider, keeping a tight grip on Calvin. The hobbits merely shrugged.

"He tends to act that way," said Pippin, "That's why we like him."

* * *

(Pause)

"I like park rangers. They protect animals," said Hobbes.

"They also have all these stuffy rules!" replied Calvin.

"No one's perfect," said Hobbes.

* * *

(Flashback continued)

"I'm NOT a park ranger," Strider said, trying to calm a hysterical Calvin, "I'm a friend of Gandalf's!"

"I _knew _he was evil!"

"Gandalf's not evil!" Frodo cut in angrily, "If Strider's a friend of Gandalf's, then I'm going to trust him!" Sam, Merry, and Pippin agreed.

"All right," said Calvin, "But I've got my eye on you!" he added threateningly.

Strider didn't really care. Overall his main concern was whether or not Calvin's screams would alert the Nazgul. Quickly and quietly he told them his plan, and they all set up the decoys before hiding in the barn for the night.

(End of Flashback)

* * *

"And the rest you already know," finished Calvin, "What happened to you?"

Hobbes quickly related what happened to him, leaving out the part where he fled under the bed. Instead he told them about how he chased the Nazgul out of the room in dramatic detail. The hobbits listened with wide eyes.

"That's incredible Hobbes," whispered Pippin.

Calvin highly doubted the story, but he didn't say anything, seeing as Hobbes _had _chased away their horses before.

"You'd better get some sleep now," advised Strider, "We have a long journey ahead of us tomorrow."

"He's coming with us?" hissed Hobbes.

"It appears that way," whispered Calvin, "Remember, if he tries anything, treat him like you would a sack of tuna!"

"Got it!" muttered Hobbes. And so they went to bed.

A/N: I'm so sorry guys! 1. For not updating 2. I have been recently informed that I'm not allowed to respond to reviewers! But to answer a few questions…

Yes I am doing the whole trilogy. And Swing123 asked me an interesting question about Calvin's parents. No, they do not know he's gone…_yet_. I'll leave you to ponder over that!


	6. Wraiths vs Tigers

Disclaimer: I don't own Calvin and Hobbes or the Lord of the Rings.

A/N: I've decided that I'm going to _try _and update every Saturday or Sunday. No guarantees, but that's what I'm aiming for. At any rate, I will not update my other story, "You Have My Sword", until I've updated this one, and vice versa.

Chapter 6: Wraiths vs. Tigers

"Are we there yet?" asked Calvin.

"No," replied Strider.

"Are we there now?"

"No."

"Now?"

"No!"

"Now?"

"NO!"

"Geez, you're pretty crabby," muttered Calvin, "What'd I ever do to you?"

Strider groaned. "His parents can't stand him either," joked Hobbes.

"HOBBES!"

"Woo-hoo-hoo!" he laughed, completely undisturbed by the fact that he was now being chased by a very angry six-year old.

"Do they always do this?" asked Strider.

"No," replied Pippin, "They only do this every other hour."

Strider groaned again. This was going to be a VERY LONG trip!

For a while, the going was rather pleasant, if you called traveling with a bratty little kid and some very hungry hobbits pleasant. They were going through fairly calm terrain, until they hit what Strider called the Midgewater Marshes.

Calvin didn't wait very long before he began to beat in everyone's brains how much he hated it.

"Why do we have to travel through here?" he whined, "This place stinks! Literally!"

"Actually Calvin, that's you, not the marsh!" chuckled Hobbes, coming up from behind.

Calvin stuck out his foot.

"ACK!" Hobbes went sprawling into the murky, foul water. Merry and Pippin roared with laughter.

"You'd better not mess with Calvin, Hobbes!" gasped Merry.

"Oh I do, believe me," said Hobbes, "This mud is actually helpful!"

"By making you look more attractive?" asked Calvin with a grin.

"Well, actually yes," replied Hobbes, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but I never thought bug bites were the 'in' thing to have!"

It was then that Calvin and the other hobbits realized that they were being severely bitten by mosquitoes. "Ow! Ow! Ow!" yelped Calvin, trying to slap at them, to no avail.

"Ignore them," said Strider, "We should be away from here in a day or two."

"A DAY OR TWO? Listen, you crazy park rangers may be able to survive these intense conditions, but I for one can't!"

"Then leave," said Strider, "Good luck trying to find your way back!"

Calvin grumbled something about how he didn't understand what people found so helpful about park rangers before continuing the journey.

That night Calvin watched in fascination as Strider skinned and gutted the stag Hobbes had caught for them. He refused to let show how gross he found the whole procedure, especially when he realized how tasty the meat was when cooked. Then everyone went to sleep while Strider stood watch.

"You have to admit," said Hobbes sleepily as they settled down, "He _is _a nice sort of grown-up."

"_Nice _grown-up?" said Calvin, "There's no such thing!"

"I'll bet there are _some _nice grown-ups. There have to be! Otherwise, what's going to happen to _us_?"

"That's true," mumbled Calvin as he shut his eyes, "So true…"

He was suddenly woken in the middle of the night. "No Mom, I'm not going to school today," he mumbled, turning over.

"Psst! Calvin! It's me!"

"Whassamatter Hobbes?"

"Nothing. Listen!"

Calvin squinted in the dark and listened hard, only to hear the sound of a man singing softly. It was Strider.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" asked Hobbes.

"So? The guy can carry a tune. _That's _what you woke me up for?"

"No need to get all excited Mr. Sunshine. I just thought you might like to hear the music!"

"It's very nice. Now let me go to sleep!"

Calvin promptly drifted off, but Hobbes lay awake, listening until Frodo woke up and interrupted Strider's song. There was no doubt in Hobbes' mind, park ranger or not, the man was a puzzle!

The next day, in late afternoon, the group left the marshes. Everyone was very relieved, even thought their journey was far from over.

"Where's he taking us again?" asked Calvin.

"Rivendell," replied Sam, "Home of the elves!"

"Finally, I get to see what these elves look like!" said Calvin.

"I heard they're more beautiful and wise than any other creature in Middle Earth!" said Sam excitedly.

"Good for them," said Calvin casually.

"I wonder if there are any babes among them," said Hobbes.

"You're disgusting my friend," said Calvin.

After a few more days, they reached a giant hill that Strider told them was called Weathertop. It was filled with rocks and ancient ruins. Calvin began to climb, deep in thought.

_Calvin, the world-famous archaeologist/explorer, climbs up this mountain in search of lost cities! He stumbles, only to see that he has found a hunk of pure silver! He is rich!_

"What is it Calvin?" asked Strider, turning to see Calvin staring, wide-eyed, at something in his hand.

_Oh no! Calvin's arch-competitor, a park ranger named Strider, has been tracking him all this time! If he discovers this lost silver city, he could steal the glory and ruin Calvin forever! Our hero desperately tries to throw him off the scent!_

"It's nothing," said Calvin, quickly hiding a rock behind his back.

"Let me see," said Strider, as patiently as possible, but also now concerned.

_It's not working! Calvin has only one choice!_

"Get away from me you fiend!" he screamed and took off for the other side of the mountain.

"Calvin, wait!" yelled Strider. Calvin disappeared around a bend. Groaning, Strider turned to the others. "The rest of you, go and set up camp. I'm going to go try and find him." He left.

"That imagination of Calvin's is going to get him in trouble one of these days," said Hobbes, laughing.

"It hasn't already?" asked Sam.

_Calvin hears Strider coming. Thinking quickly, he hides behind a huge rock! Will his enemy be fooled?_

"Calvin?" called Strider. He walked past the rock, thinking that Calvin would come into view at any moment. As soon as he was gone, Calvin ran away.

_In a desperate maneuver, Calvin tries to run back to base camp, where he can show his find and then call for help! Will it work? Can he make it?_

It had started to get dark, but Calvin managed to find his way to the camp that Hobbes, Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin had set up. Frodo, he noticed, was asleep. The others were gathered around a fire to cook some dinner.

"EXCELLENT! A CAMP FIRE!" yelled Calvin. The noise woke up Frodo.

"What are you doing?" he cried in horror.

"They're making dinner, what did you think they were doing?" asked Calvin.

Frodo had rushed forward and was now stamping it out. Calvin expected to hear Hobbes complain…but he didn't. He was crouched on all fours, uttering a low growl.

Calvin was worried. "What's wrong buddy?" he asked.

"I know that smell," said Hobbes, "They're here."

"Who?" A shriek filled the air. Now Calvin was terrified. "Or don't I want to know?" he stuttered.

"It's the Ringwraiths!" cried Pippin.

"The what?" asked Calvin.

"You know, the Black Riders. Weren't you listening when Strider told us?" asked Hobbes.

"No."

"I should've known."

"Hurry!" cried Frodo. Both friends looked up and saw the hobbits running up a set of ancient stairs for the top of the hill. They immediately followed.

Once on top of the hill, the friends formed a tight circle in the center. Hobbes dropped to all fours and walked around them, growling menacingly.

Swiftly and silently the Ringwraiths approached. They came up the hill and drew their swords. Hobbes stopped to face them, snarling and flexing his claws.

The Ringwraiths hesitated. They had never seen a tiger before, and wondered if he possessed hidden powers. When they decided he was just a normal predator, they kept walking further.

Hobbes pounced, the nearest wraith flashed out his sword, and Calvin's cries of: "HOBBES, MAUL THEM!" turned into cries of: "LOOK OUT!"

It was too late. The sword scratched Hobbes across the chest. He dropped to the ground, howling in pain, and then turned his angry eyes on the wraith who had struck him.

It didn't take very long for that wraith to realize what a terrible mistake he had made.

Taking on a wild animal is bad enough. Take on a _wounded_, _angry_, wild animal and you're just asking for trouble.

Hobbes quickly pinned the wraith to the ground, where it shrieked to its fellows. They all drew their swords.

"OH NO YOU DON'T!" yelled Calvin, pulling on his cape and hood. "STUPENDOUS MAN never lets his friends get hurt and simply stands on the sidelines!"

One of the Ringwraiths turned around and simply knocked him out of the way. Calvin gulped. "On second thought, Stupendous Man may be taking a little break today!"

Meanwhile, some of the other Ringwraiths had pushed aside Merry, Pippin, and Sam, and were heading for Frodo, who was slowly backing away. Calvin was not quite sure what was happening. One moment Frodo was there, and the next moment he was gone! Then he heard a scream of pain, and the next thing he knew Sam was running over to Frodo. "Man," he muttered, "Where's Strider when you need him?"

The answer came as Strider leaped out, brandishing his sword and a torch. Calvin had to admit, he looked amazing in battle. The Ringwraiths were screaming and trying to flee from him. Soon they were all gone, and Strider ran over to look at Frodo, who Calvin now realized was injured.

"Wow," he said, "That guy was amazing, wasn't he Hobbes?"

Hobbes didn't answer.

"Hobbes? HOBBES?"

Hobbes was lying on the ground, panting heavily, his eyes glazed. Calvin didn't understand it. As far as he could see, the only injury he had was the small scratch on his stomach from where the wraith had stabbed him. "STRIDER, COME QUICK! THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH HOBBES!"

Strider was over in a flash. He bent over to examine him.

"Will he be alright?" asked Calvin.

"Another Morgul blade wound," Strider muttered grimly.

"What's THAT supposed to mean?"

"Don't worry. Frodo has the same wound, and we're going to see if we can get them both to Rivendell as soon as possible."

"How far away is that?"

Strider could see that Calvin was really upset, and did not want to make things worse. "If we hurry, we will make good time," was all he would say, "Come. I will put Hobbes on Sam's pony, Bill, and carry Frodo."

"Alright," sniffed Calvin, "But take good care of him. He may be an idiot some times, but he's still my best friend!"

They traveled for a few nights, rarely stopping, trying to get to Rivendell as quickly as possible. Even Calvin didn't complain on the strenuous exercise. One night, they stopped at a place with three stone troll statues, which Merry and Pippin explained came from an encounter with Frodo's Uncle Bilbo.

Sam, who hadn't left Frodo's side, suddenly cried out, "He's gone cold!"

Strider sighed wearily. "He is passing into the shadow. He will soon become a wraith like _them_."

"WHAT?" yelled Calvin, "HOBBES IS GOING TO TURN INTO ONE OF THEM? But he's an animal!"

"I don't know what will happen to your friend," said Strider, "And I don't intend to find out!"

"Can't you just pull out one of your park ranger manuals or something?" asked Calvin desperately, "That'll have something we can use!"

Strider had reached his limit. "I am NOT a park ranger!" he yelled.

Calvin blinked. "Well, why didn't you just say so?" Strider buried his face in his hands.

They sat in silence for a few more minutes, and then Strider had an idea. He went off to look for a plant called _athelas _that he said might slow the poison.

"_Poison_!" Calvin's eyes bulged, "He's been _poisoned_!"

"It appears that way," said Merry.

"Then I don't care what this ethelfas is, or whatever you call it, as long as it can help Hobbes."

"It might," said Sam, "I know plants, and this one, we call it kingsfoil, is supposed to be very powerful, which is exactly what we need!"

"I hope so," said Calvin, settling himself against one of the trolls.

A few minutes later Strider was back, but he wasn't alone. He was accompanied by the most beautiful woman Calvin had ever seen. Her hair was a long wavy brown that cascaded down her shoulders, and her eyes were dark and mysterious. She also had pointy ears.

"Is…is that an _elf_?" whispered Calvin.

"Looks like it," Merry whispered back. Sam and Pippin looked awestruck.

Strider and the elf bent over Frodo. "We must get him to my father," she said softly, as she lifted him up easily and put him on her horse.

"Hey, wait!" cried Calvin, "You forgot Hobbes!"

The elf turned around. "Who is this?" she asked.

"This is Calvin," said Strider, "Calvin, this is Arwen."

"Yeah great," he said quickly, "Can you do something for Hobbes?" He led Arwen over to where Hobbes lay. His eyes were closed, and the wound didn't look so bad anymore, but he was still breathing heavily.

Arwen looked troubled. Like most elves, she had a special love for animals. "He looks like he's going to make it, if we get there in time," she said, "But I don't know how to transport him, myself, and Frodo to Rivendell safely."

Calvin thought for a long time. Then he snapped his fingers. "Why didn't I think of this before?" he asked. "You take Frodo. I'll take Hobbes myself in this." He pulled out his box, which had been folded up many, many times before it fit in his pocket. Then he carefully put Hobbes inside.

"But you don't know the way," said Arwen.

"I'll follow you," said Calvin as he strapped on his goggles. "Let's go!"

"Bye Calvin!" called Merry and Pippin, "We'll see you in Rivendell!"

Calvin waved to his friends, and waited as Strider and Arwen said good-bye to each other in a different language. Then they both took off.

At first, everything seemed calm as they left the woods and rode out into open fields. But then Calvin peeked behind the box to see the Black Riders closing in on Arwen. "Uh-oh," he said, "What to do?"

He dug around in his pocket. "Hello, what's this? My transmogrifier gun!" He pointed it at one of the Ringwraiths. "This is what you get for hurting Hobbes, sinister fiends!" he screamed.

The wraith looked up. ZAP! The next thing anyone knew, a giant slug was staring at his fellows in shock and anger. Hissing furiously, the others looked up to see Calvin pointing the gun at them. "WHO'S NEXT?" he called.

The Ringwraiths scattered. Arwen kept riding, and managed to get to the other side of the Bruien River to her home safely. "Thank you Calvin!" she called.

"It was nothing!" he yelled back as he tried to find a landing place in the trees.

* * *

Meanwhile, not too far away, the remaining Ringwraiths were plotting.

"What do we do?" one of them hissed to their leader.

"We wait," he snarled, "We'll get them when they leave Rivendell."

"But what was that flying thing they had? And the pointy weapon?"

"That," said the leader, "Is what we are going to find out."

A/N: Dun dun _dun_! Hehehe! Review!


	7. A Trio of Eavesdroppers!

Disclaimer: I don't own Calvin and Hobbes or the Lord of the Rings.

Chapter 7: A Trio of Eavesdroppers!

Calvin quickly landed his box on a wide balcony overlooking a waterfall. He barely noticed the breathtaking beauty of the place he was in, nor the quiet, peacefulness of the air. His one thought was to get help for Hobbes.

A tall elf with long brown hair, sharp grey eyes, and in gorgeous robes of red and beige came over to where Calvin was struggling to lift Hobbes out of the box. "What on earth is this?" he asked.

Calvin turned around. "It's my best friend. He got stabbed by a Ringwraith! Can you help him?"

The elf examined Hobbes in concern. "I think I can heal him," he replied, "But we must be quick. Tell me who you are while I take him to the healing rooms."

"I'm Calvin, that's Hobbes, and we're from America," said Calvin quickly, "You've probably never heard of it. We came to Middle Earth on Movie Magic, that's my box over there, and we were with Frodo and everyone else trying to destroy the stupid ring when those Ringwraiths attacked and Hobbes fought them and they stabbed him!"

"Ah," said the elf, "So _you _are the ones I've heard so much about from Gandalf! I must admit, I never expected to see you here!"

"Yeah, well, we are here, so what are you going to do to help Hobbes? How do I know you _can_ help Hobbes?"

"All in good time," said the elf patiently, "Although I suppose as I haven't even introduced myself…I am Lord Elrond."

"You're the guy Strider told me about?"

"Strider?" said Elrond, sounding shocked, "You've seen Strider? Where is he?"

"As far as I know, he's still with Merry, Pippin, and Sam. Why?"

"Ada!" called a familiar voice. Arwen came down the hallway carrying Frodo.

"Oh dear," murmured Elrond, "How many are hurt?"

"Only Frodo and Hobbes," replied Arwen, "The others are making their way here."

"Good," said Elrond, "Was their any trouble bringing him here?"

"There was, but Calvin scared them away. He has some sort of magic stick he had in his hand."

"It's a transmogrifier gun," said Calvin, "I transmogrified that Ringwraith into a slug. Not only is he disgusting, but he's also harmless! A good change all around!"

"May I see this…transmogrifier?" asked Elrond.

"Sure, but be careful," said Calvin, "All you have to do is point it at someone, or something, and think of what you want it to turn into. And ZAP! It's transmogrified!"

Elrond took the little gun and examined it, frowning thoughtfully. Without a word, he pointed it at one of the pillars, and it turned into a big, but lovely flower.

"Lame," said Calvin, "Watch _this_!" He grabbed the transmogrifier and pointed it at a boulder below.

ZAP!

Arwen screamed as a giant Tyrannosaurus Rex stood at full height and roared. "It's ok, I can turn it back," said Calvin calmly to the terrified elves.

ZAP! A harmless boulder was back in its place.

"Isn't that cool?" asked Calvin eagerly.

"Why don't we put that away for now," said Elrond shakily, "I do have some patients to attend to!"

"Right!" said Calvin, suddenly remembering Hobbes' plight. "What are we waiting for?"

Hobbes and Frodo were placed side by side on two beds. Elves ran in and out of their room carrying medicine and herbs for Elrond to use. A day passed with Calvin pacing outside the door, barely eating or sleeping, just worrying. None of the elves would tell him how Hobbes fared. They stayed grim and silent. Calvin feared the worst.

Then, the next afternoon, Strider, Sam, Merry, and Pippin arrived in Rivendell. Ignoring the elves' protests, Sam barged right in and sat by Frodo's side. Calvin, on the other hand, was momentarily distracted by Merry and Pippin. The two were deeply amused by Calvin's story about turning the wraith into a slug, and they asked to hear it again and again.

That evening Elrond emerged and announced that both of them would live. "Actually, I find it astounding how fast your tiger is healing," he told Calvin, "He seems to be doing much better than Frodo."

"Is he awake?" asked Calvin anxiously.

"No, he's asleep, but he will be just fine. You can see him in the morning."

Calvin couldn't sleep that night. Neither could Merry or Pippin. All three of them shared a room, and they talked most of the night about the ring and the war and what should be done, as well as Calvin's home and battles with snow goons and (apparently slimy) girls.

The next morning the three ate breakfast and then waited outside Hobbes' room on a balcony, reclining in the fresh air. "You know," said Calvin, "This place is actually cool! I feel like I'm home!"

KA-POW!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

CRASH!

Merry and Pippin leaned over to see that Hobbes had pounced and the two of them had landed in a tree.

"I can't…believe…I actually…missed you…" groaned Calvin.

"Feeling better I presume?" called Pippin.

"Ah yes, that really brought the life back to my muscles!" said Hobbes happily.

"Oh yeah?" asked Calvin, "Why don't _I _put the life back into _my _muscles…"

Merry and Pippin laughed and watched as the fight began.

"Oh dear," said Elrond, approaching them, "And I thought he wouldn't be in my healing room for a long, long time…"

"Calvin and Hobbes? You can't be serious!" said Merry.

"Really though, I am astonished with how well that tiger recovered! There isn't even a scar! He seems quite back to normal!"

"Maybe it's because he's an animal," suggested Pippin.

"It's possible," said Elrond. He turned and left.

In the tree, both friends were panting.

"Truce?" asked Calvin.

Hobbes nodded. Calvin smiled. "It's good to have you back old buddy!" he said, and they slapped each other high-fives before climbing down the tree.

The next few days were very peaceful. After all that adventure, no one felt like doing anything but relaxing. Soon Frodo joined them, as well as Gandalf, back from wherever he had come from. They also discovered Bilbo Baggins, who now looked older. In Calvin's eyes, it was one big reunion.

There were new faces too. People of all races were pouring into Rivendell: men, elves, and dwarves. Calvin, Hobbes, Merry and Pippin watched the dwarves with interest, having never seen them before. In turn, everyone stared at them, especially Hobbes. Finally, Calvin had to ask Gandalf, "What are all these people doing here?"

"They're here for a great Council that will take place tomorrow."

"Cool! Can we come?"

"Of course not! It's no place for children!"

Calvin whipped out his transmogrifier. "Are you prepared to take that back, pal?"

Gandalf's eyes flashed, and he clutched his staff. "No I will not."

"Time to go," said Hobbes, picking up Calvin.

"Oh, that reminds me, you may come to the council Hobbes. The people are very interested in you, and Elrond thought it would be best."

"He WHAT!" yelled Calvin.

"Would you like to come?" Gandalf asked Hobbes, ignoring Calvin.

"Don't you dare say yes, or it'll be curtains for you!" growled Calvin.

"I'd be glad to," said Hobbes with a smirk.

The explosion could be heard for miles around.

* * *

The next morning, Calvin was still fuming. "If it makes you feel any better, we can't go either," said Pippin.

"They can't get away with this! I risk my all out there and they say don't come! It's treachery!" grumbled Calvin.

"If only there was some way we could listen in," said Pippin longingly.

"Maybe there is," said Merry slowly, "Come on!"

They found the perfect spot behind some pillars. Exhilarated, the three watched as everywhere noble people filed into the small stone courtyard and sat in wooden chairs. At the head was Lord Elrond. Next to him was Strider. Near the entranceway sat Gandalf, Frodo, and Hobbes. He looked a little smug, and a little embarrassed, because everyone was staring at him.

The Council started, with Elrond greeting everyone and asking Frodo to take out the Ring. Calvin was already starting to get a sneaking suspicion that this would be boring.

That was when it happened. As Frodo put the Ring on the table in the center, Calvin felt a strange itch to go over and put the Ring on. He got the feeling that if he did, he would get power and freedom of the likes such as he had never received at home. He looked at Merry, Pippin, and Hobbes to see if they were having the same reaction. They weren't. _Oh well, their loss_, he thought eagerly, and he started towards it. Then a strange thought seemed to enter from his own head. _Zounds! Stupendous Man is being hypnotized by the evil sorcerer's magic ring! Could this be the end?_

He shook his head, trying to clear his head. What had just happened? Slowly, reason began to come back to him. In his eyes, there was nothing wrong with a little more power and freedom, but he also knew how stupid it would be to steal something that he had been told repeatedly was evil. Deep down, although he longed for what the Ring promised him, Calvin mistrusted it, especially after what happened to Hobbes.

Calvin had not been paying attention to what was going on during the Council, but he snapped back to reality when Gandalf started to talk in a deep, booming voice that sent shivers down his spine. "What's he _saying_?" he whispered frantically to Merry and Pippin. All around them, the elves were covering their ears, Hobbes was growling, and the men and dwarves were shuddering. One man in particular, who had obviously just gotten up, was backing down, away from Gandalf, who was also standing.

Merry muttered, "I think he's talking in the Black Speech."

"The _what!_" asked Calvin. Pippin merely shrugged.

"It's the language of Mordor," muttered Merry, "I've heard Gandalf and Bilbo mention it a few times."

"Well, why did he have to talk like that? Why couldn't he just talk normal?" Calvin wanted to know. Merry didn't have an answer.

The next few hours passed by without incident. For the most part, there were a lot of people telling their stories, about how and why they came, and Elrond giving them advice. Pippin and Calvin soon lost interest in the whole thing and started playing with the transmogrifier gun. Everything came down to the same object: the Ring.

Another two hours later, Merry whipped his head around. "Pippin?" he hissed, "Calvin? Where are you?"

Instead of his friends, he found a giant ant, a chicken, and a small black transmogrifier on the ground. The chicken was throwing a fit.

"WHAT DID YOU TURN ME INTO A CHICKEN FOR?"

"Shh, I'm trying to figure how to use this thing with these feelers."

"That's your problem buddy, not mine. That's what you get for turning me into a chicken! A CHICKEN! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?"

"Guys…" Merry started to say.

"Well that's no excuse for turning me into a bug! Are you sure this isn't permanent?"

"_By the time I'm through with you, you'll wish it was!_"

"Guys?" asked Merry.

"But what'll Gandalf say when he sees me like this?"

"WHAT'LL HOBBES SAY WHEN HE SEES _ME_ LIKE THIS?"

"Guys!"

"It's not as bad as being an ant."

"A CHICKEN!"

"GUYS!"

Pippin the ant and Calvin the chicken turned around. "What?" asked Calvin.

"They're choosing people to take the Ring to Mordor!" said Merry.

"Cool! Wait for me! I'm coming too!"

"As a chicken?" laughed Merry.

Calvin glared at Pippin. "That's _his _fault!"

"I'll change you both back," said Merry, rolling his eyes.

ZAP!

"We'd better hurry if we want to come along," said Merry, "Frodo already agreed to carry the Ring, and Gandalf, Strider, and Hobbes are coming too! And…"

"Is that Sam?" asked Pippin.

Yes, it was indeed Sam, taking his place among the others.

"That little sneak! He wasn't allowed to the meeting!" cried Calvin.

"Like us you mean?" asked Merry.

Calvin ignored him and ran out into the clearing, to the gasps of everyone except Hobbes, who had been expecting something like this. "Hey! I get to come too!" yelled Calvin, "You'll need the top people on this mission, and if you want the best, then you'd better come to me!"

"Us too!" called Merry and Pippin, who were close at his heels.

"Merry and Pippin can go, I suppose," said Elrond, although he looked like he would prefer entirely if they didn't, "But I cannot let you go Calvin. You are a child."

"I'm not a child, I'm a prodigy!"

"I'm sure you are, but it's much too dangerous…"

"I've been in the Battle of the Snow Goons! I've fought slimy girls of all shapes and sizes, from the fearsome Annoying Girl to the Babysitter from the Black Lagoon! Do you know who you're talking to?"

The elves looked affronted, one in particular, who was standing in between Strider and Hobbes, said, "Do you realize who _you _are talking to in that disrespectful way."

"You might as well get used to it if he does come Legolas," muttered Hobbes.

"Well, the answer is no," said Elrond, "I'm sorry, but you are too young Calvin."

Calvin turned furiously to Gandalf, who said simply, "Lord Elrond is right."

He wheeled around to Frodo, who just said, "I'm sorry Calvin."

"_He _gets to go!" shouted Calvin, pointing in rage at Hobbes.

"He is a tiger, and will be a useful protection for this new Fellowship," replied Elrond firmly.

Calvin glared at the entire Council. If looks could kill, they would've been long gone. "You wait," he snarled, "I'm coming whether you like it or not! Just wait!" Then he stormed off.

A/N: Sorry for the long wait! And don't worry, this story will NOT be all dark!


	8. The Stowaway!

Disclaimer: I don't own Calvin and Hobbes or the Lord of the Rings.

Chapter 8: The Stowaway!

Hobbes waited at least an hour before looking for Calvin. He wanted to give his friend time to cool off. It didn't appear to do any good, because Calvin was still fuming when he got to their room.

"You're really sore about this, aren't you?" he asked.

"YES I AM!" yelled Calvin.

"I don't know if this will help, but _I _want you to come."

Calvin stopped kicking the bed. "You do?"

"Yeah. You make long journeys like this more fun. And _you're _the one who stopped the Ringwraith. Not me."

"Gee," said Calvin, "That's probably one of the nicest things you've ever said to me!"

"Don't mention it. So, what are you planning on doing if you can't come after all?"

"I'm going to punish Lord Elrond and the rest of the elves by driving them up the wall!"

"I see," said Hobbes, "That should be easy!"

"Tell me about it! But it doesn't matter, because I _am _coming."

"How do you figure that one out?"

"You'll see." Here, no matter what Hobbes said, was where Calvin refused to say anymore.

"Though while we're on the subject," he said, "We should take Movie Magic home temporarily and go get some supplies."

"What sort of supplies?" asked Hobbes.

"Oh, sandwiches, maps, Dad's knife set, things like that!"

"Oh yeah. But won't I…I mean, _we_, be late? They leave tomorrow!"

"Sure. Whenever you leave a movie midway through, it's like pressing the pause button. Everything will be the way it was when we left."

"Fascinating. Let's go!"

Both found the box in a corner of the room. They dragged it outside, strapped on goggles, and prepared for takeoff. It wasn't long before Calvin had steered them safely into the front yard. He led the way into the kitchen.

"_There _you are," said Mom, "It's almost lunch time!"

"Actually Mom, Hobbes and I need to make a whole bunch of sandwiches. Maybe you could help us."

"What for?"

"We're about to go on a long trip with nine other people and it could take a long time. We're going on a quest to drop an evil ring in some sort of volcano!"

"I see," she said slowly, "And who might these nine other people be? Are they real, or did you make them up?"

"I didn't make them up! Four are hobbits, two are men, one's a wizard, one's a dwarf, and one's an elf!"

Mom nodded. As far as she was concerned, this was all a game, and Calvin definitely made them up. "Well honey," she said, "I'd love to help. I'll make you and Hobbes each a sandwich. How's that?"

"Didn't you hear me? We need at least two for each person! So that makes…um…a lot of sandwiches!"

"22," whispered Hobbes.

"I'm not wasting food Calvin! You can't possibly eat that much!"

"But they're not all for _me_! They're for the entire group!"

A few seconds later, they had been tossed out of the kitchen.

"I don't see what's so hard to understand here!" yelled Calvin.

"Your mom was never the brightest brick in the wall," replied Hobbes.

"_That _much is obvious!"

"And we didn't get your dad's knife set either!"

"Well, we can still get the maps."

"And comic books!" cried Hobbes.

"Good thinking," said Calvin, "You pack some of those, and I'll go check the living room and see what Mom and Dad have."

A few minutes later…

"Mom! Don't we have _any _maps of Middle Earth?"

"Middle Earth? You mean from _The Lord of the Rings_?"

"How did you know?"

"I had to read it back in high school Calvin. How on earth did you hear about it?"

"It was a _book? _Well, now it's a movie. But the bottom line is, Hobbes and I are in this Fellowship thing, and we came back for some supplies."

"Well, I'm sorry, but we don't have any maps like that."

"I always thought we were a deprived family," Calvin muttered.

"I got the comic books," said Hobbes, walking into the room.

"Good. Throw them in the box. I couldn't find any maps, and Mom says we don't have any."

"Maybe Elrond will have some."

"Could be. Now, I'll distract Mom, and you can get the knives."

"And some tuna?"

"Yeah, sure."

They both split up.

"So Mom," said Calvin casually, "What happened at the end of the book?"

"Why are you so interested?" she asked.

"First of all, after all those times you've told me to make eye contact with people when I talk, you'd think that _you _could look up in _my _direction once and a while."

Mom did look up. "Seeing as how I'm making _your _sandwich…"

"Welllll…" he said, as Hobbes started creeping into the room from behind, "You don't have to do _that _right now! Why don't we sit down in…uh…the living room, and talk or watch TV?"

"Calvin, what are you up to?"

"Nothing! Nothing at all!" Hobbes, meanwhile, had just opened the knife drawer.

"You're sweating Calvin."

"Am I? I guess it's hot in here…DON'T TURN AROUND!"

Too late. Mom had looked.

"_Calvin!_" she yelled, "How many times do I have to tell you: _don't leave your toys lying around! _Go put Hobbes away right now!"

"All in all," said Hobbes, as they escaped outside, "I can't believe she didn't realize what we were _really _up to!"

"Did you get any knives?"

"Just one. You can have it. Tigers don't really need weapons, you know. I have some built in ones right here!" He flexed his claws and bared his teeth.

"All right!" said Calvin shakily, "No need to put on a show now! I hear you loud and clear!"

And so they hopped into the box together and left for Rivendell.

The next day, Hobbes was all ready to go. But there was a problem. He stood there, waiting with the others, but Calvin was not there to say goodbye. A few minutes later, Elrond returned from a trek to their room.

"This was on his door," he said, holding out a sign. It read: I'm in a bad mood. If anyone tries to come through this door, they will really regret it. I am sulking because you won't let me join your stupid quest. Well, YOUR LOSS!

"Frankly," said Elrond, "I believe him. And that's why I didn't go in."

Hobbes felt sad. His best friend could have at least said goodbye! But apparently, Calvin wasn't in the mood. So, after a blessing from Elrond, he left with the rest of the Company.

The going wasn't as bad as it could've been. Gandalf led the way, followed by Legolas, who was talking with Hobbes. The two had become friendly, since Legolas, being an elf, was always willing to listen to Hobbes boast about his race, mostly because he was curious to learn about tigers himself. Hobbes liked that, and he also liked elves in general. For some reason, they gave him a calm, peaceful feeling inside.

Merry and Pippin, meanwhile, were fascinated by Calvin's comic books. When night fell they were busy trying to read another issue of Captain Naplam by the fire.

"And it's all much better," Hobbes pointed out, "Because Calvin's not leaning over our shoulders, trying to get them away from us!"

So although he missed Calvin, Hobbes was taking full advantage of his friend's absence. That night, the hobbits were entertained by a certain A+ story entitled: "How Hobbes, the Handsome Tiger Saved the Day, No Thanks to Calvin, the Time-Traveling Chowder-head!"

"I wish I had brought the actual story along," he told them, "You should see the pictures!"

Frodo wiped away a few tears of laughter and said, "I feel sorry though. Calvin _did _help us get to Rivendell."

"Yeah, I wanted to say goodbye to him, but he wouldn't come out of his room!" said Merry.

Hobbes sighed. "He gets that way sometimes. But we might not come back, and _then _what'll he do?"

"He'll drive the elves crazy, that's what he'll do!" grumbled Sam, "Just like you all did in the Shire!"

"I wonder what he's doing right now?" said Pippin.

Within the hour, the entire Fellowship was asleep. Even Sam, who was supposed to be keeping watch. He couldn't help it; he was so tired.

From very high up in the sky, a dot appeared. It got bigger and bigger as it descended on the camp. Soon it grew to the size of a large cardboard box, which was exactly what it was.

It landed smoothly, and Calvin got out. He tiptoed gently up to the dying fire and picked up the comic books.

"I don't believe this!" he hissed, "They've gone and drawn _mustaches _all over Captain Naplam! I swear, when we're far enough away from Rivendell that they can't send me back, someone's going to PAY!"

Calvin slept until dawn, and then flew away, circling and waiting for the Company to start moving again.


	9. The Curse of Calvin!

Disclaimer: I don't own Calvin and Hobbes or the Lord of the Rings.

Chapter 9: The Curse of Calvin!

The following weeks were eventless, and Calvin was growing bored. He wanted to show himself, but he also wanted to make a dramatic entrance, and there was just no opportunity sweet enough to do so. Still, being patient was not one of Calvin's strong points. It was one of the hardest things he had ever done!

One day they all stopped at a place called Hollin- in the middle of the day! "Perfect! Just perfect! How long am I going to be up here _now_!" grumbled Calvin.

From far below, Legolas looked up and squinted. "What do you see?" asked Gandalf.

"I…don't know," he muttered, "it's a dark speck; that much I can make out. It seems to be circling us."

"Perhaps it's a bird," suggested Sam.

"I don't like it," said Boromir, "It's probably a spy from Mordor. You'd better shoot it down Legolas!"

"I would," he replied, "If I even knew what it was!"

"You'd better wait first," Gandalf agreed, "No good comes from attacking the innocent."

It was a good thing too, because although Calvin wouldn't have been welcome back with open arms at this stage of the journey, nobody would want to claim responsibility for shooting him out of the sky!

At the moment, Calvin had no idea that Legolas had spotted him. He had decided to take a little flight near the mountains since the Fellowship obviously wasn't moving any time soon.

It was a beautiful, cool day, and Calvin was soon enjoying zooming towards the mountains, with the wind whipping back his hair. The Fellowship went _way _too slow!

_Spaceman Spiff, intergalactic space extraordinaire, is flying toward another unknown planet. It seems to be populated by giant mountains covered in snow! Our hero decides to take a closer look._

_Spiff has spotted something! He squints to see many small, black spacecrafts headed this way! Are they friendly, or do they spell doom for our hero?_

Calvin squinted. The small black specks were…birds. They looked a bit like crows or ravens.

_The aliens are drawing closer! Do they see Spiff? What will they do?_

The birds saw Calvin and started shrieking. They moved as one and made to attack. "Yikes!" he cried and swerved to avoid them. But with a quick turn they were back; claws and beaks bared!

"Heeeellllp!" yelled Calvin, "Crazy carnivorous birds on the loose! It's like something out of an Alfred Hitchcock movie!" This referring to another movie he had seen on TV when his parents weren't around.

_Spiff blasts the throttle and goes into a dive! The aliens follow and give a thrilling chase! Can Spiff escape?_

Under normal circumstances, he would've gone for the transmogrifier gun the way he had used it on the Ringwraith, but that was a different situation. Now Calvin was focusing all his attention on driving the box as fast as it would go!

He didn't realize he was flying towards the camp until it was too late!

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the camp, Hobbes was stretching himself and preparing for a good, long nap on one of the warm rocks. He looked up and saw Legolas staring intently into the distance. Hobbes couldn't figure out why. The rest of the group was relaxed, even Gandalf. Apparently some people just couldn't keep still.

"What's the matter?" he asked lazily.

"There's something up ahead," said Legolas, "It looks like birds, but there's something in front of it following no flight pattern I've ever seen before."

"Oh well," yawned Hobbes, "They're not bothering us." Legolas tensed next to him. "Are you all right?" he asked.

"I just heard screams coming from that direction. They sounded familiar…"

"I don't hear anyth…"

Then in the distance: "_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! SOMEONE SAVE ME BEFORE I BECOME BIRD BAIT!"_

"Oh no, he wouldn't…" muttered Hobbes.

"Who?" asked Legolas.

"You don't want to know," replied Hobbes.

"Don't tell me," said Legolas. At the same time they both said, "_Calvin!_"

"Where?" asked Pippin, who had overheard.

"Look over there," said Hobbes, pointing at a now growing black shape in the distance.

Pippin frowned. "But Calvin can't fly."

"Yes he can," countered Merry, "Remember the box?"

"Please don't tell me he followed us!" groaned Gandalf. By this time the entire Fellowship was staring at the black cloud. Legolas alone could actually make out Calvin in his box. Then he saw what was chasing him.

"Crebain from Dunland!" he groaned.

"Hide!" yelled Strider, and they scattered.

"But what about Calvin?" protested Hobbes.

"He can handle himself!" cried Merry, pulling the tiger in between some large rocks.

A few moments later, Calvin came crashing in. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" he screamed as the box crashed straight into some bushes. He scurried underneath, hoping desperately that the birds would fly over him. They did. First they circled the camp, and then they flew back toward the mountains. But for Calvin, the worst danger was yet to come!

"Spies of Saruman," muttered Gandalf grimly, referring to the evil White Wizard who had allied himself with Sauron, "The passage south is being watched." Then he glared at Calvin, who was busy disentangling himself. "And just what are _you _doing here, my young friend?"

Calvin had never seen anyone who looked less like a friend. "Whoops," he muttered as the entire Fellowship (with the possible exception of Hobbes, Merry, and Pippin) stared at him with angry expressions. "I…I…please don't kill me!" he begged.

"Will we never be rid of you Calvin?" muttered Strider.

"Hey! Give me a break! Who fought the Ringwraiths? Me! Who distracted them while Arwen got Frodo to Rivendell? Me! Who transmogrified one of them into a slug? Me!" yelled Calvin, "I deserve to come along too!"

"Who led those accursed birds here? You!" snapped Boromir.

"They would've found us anyway," offered Pippin helpfully.

"We'll never know for sure," growled Gimli.

"Ok then, I'll leave! You don't have to be bothered by me anymore!" shouted Calvin, starting to head towards the box.

Gandalf sighed. "Well, you're here now, so you might as well stay."

"YES!" Calvin punched a fist in the air.

"But you must be able to keep up with us, you can't complain, and you need to be able to defend yourself," added Gandalf.

"I've got a knife, my Transmogrifier, and I've had to live with a tiger for most of my life. I think I'm good to go!" said Calvin.

"Very well," said Gandalf, "Let's go!"

"We're leaving NOW?" exclaimed Calvin.

"Of course," said Gandalf, "We need to go through the Pass of Caradhas and for that we need to leave immediately."

"_You're doing this on purpose!_"

"I'm doing no such thing! You want to come, so get ready to leave!"

"He's doing it on purpose," muttered Calvin as they trudged out. "And thanks a lot for sticking up for me back there!" he snarled at Hobbes.

"You weren't really going to leave, were you?" asked Hobbes.

"Heck no!"

"I figured as much."

The climb up the mountain was long and treacherous. Calvin grumbled, but not too loudly. But when the path grew snowy, he grew excited. "We could have a killer snowball war!" he exclaimed, "Why doesn't it snow like this at home?"

"Because we're on a mountain?" suggested Hobbes.

Calvin didn't answer. He had an idea…

WHACK!

"Ah!" yelped Pippin as a snowball hit him in the back of the head.

"Hobbes did it Pippin! I saw him!" said Calvin quickly.

"I did no-ACK!" Hobbes was hit in the open mouth by Pippin. He spat out the snow and bent over.

"What are you doing? No! Hit Merry! Not me! NOOOO!"

"What are you doing?" asked Gandalf, when he realized that four members of the Fellowship were no longer following him.

"Hit me eh? Here's a taste of your own medicine!" cried Merry, knocking Pippin into the snow.

Calvin laughed. "I am such a genius!" he cried.

"It was _you_!" snarled Hobbes, "_You _started the snowball fight!"

"Uh…well…heh heh..."

Hobbes and the hobbits looked at each other. "GET CALVIN!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" In a desperate attempt to save himself, Calvin threw a snowball that went wildly off course and landed in Gimli's beard!

"_How dare you!_" he shouted. One thing led to another, and pretty soon almost everyone was involved in the snowball fight.

"Take cover!" shouted Merry, and all four friends tried to find a place to hide. But they were utterly surrounded by the others, who, now that they were in the heat of the moment, were positively thrilled to be finally having their revenge on this troublesome group.

"Ack! We're going down!" cried Calvin after getting hit several times and slumping to the ground.

"Dramatic enough for ya?" muttered Hobbes.

Only Gandalf hadn't joined in. "All right, all of you, stop this nonsense," he said, "We're on a very important mission!"

The others ignored him.

"ENOUGH!" he shouted. Everyone stopped. "Come, all of you!" he said, "We can have fun _later._ Frodo, Sam, Aragorn, _now!_"

"He sounds like Mom or Dad," grumbled Calvin, "Spoiling our fun!" Then he realized something. "Why'd Gandalf call Strider 'Aragorn'?"

"That's his real name," explained Hobbes, "What, did you think he was really called Strider?"

"It's a bit more normal than Aragorn if you ask me…"

* * *

Miles and miles away, at the fortress of Isengard, the evil wizard Saruman was just getting his report from the birds, who were flying past, shrieking a message in their language.

"A boy…in a _flying box!_" He frowned, wondering if he could've mistranslated. His fellow wizard, Radagast, was always better at this sort of thing anyway.

But the birds continued to shriek the same message, and Saruman had no choice but to believe them. _What does this mean?_ He had never encountered something like this before. (It's logical to guess he never would again!)

* * *

"No matter," he said to himself, "I can at least put a stop to them going through Caradhas."

His plan involved causing a snow storm that had never been seen or felt on the mountains before. Calvin found it unbearable. "I'm freezing here!" he shouted over the wind, "I wanna go home!"

"NO!" Gandalf shouted back, trying to make himself heard as the snow blew in his face, "We must press on!"

"YOU'RE INSANE!" Calvin shouted back. Next to him, Hobbes shivered violently. He had a feeling that this time, Calvin was right. As for Merry and Pippin, their faces were a cold blue.

Gandalf tried his best to counteract the storm, but to no avail. Instead, a large amount of snow collapsed and buried them. Legolas was the first to emerge, then Hobbes, who was dragging Calvin.

"THAT'S IT!" screamed Calvin, "IF WE DON'T GET OFF THIS MOUNTAIN…"

"He's right for once!" interrupted Boromir, "We have to get off or we'll all freeze to death!"

"Let us go through the Mines of Moria," suggested Gimli.

"Or the Gap of Rohan," said Boromir.

"Isn't that where Isengard is?" asked Hobbes.

"I DON'T CARE WHERE WE GO, LET'S JUST GET OFF THE STUPID MOUNTAIN!" shouted Calvin. He was getting sick of all the discussion. Personally, however, he felt that if given the choice, he'd like to go underground and see these infamous mines!

"Let the Ring-bearer decide," said Gandalf, looking at Frodo.

"Gap of Rohan! Say Gap of Rohan!" cried Calvin.

"We will go through the Mines," replied Frodo.

And so they left. _Reverse psychology, _thought Calvin with a sly grin, _I love it!_

Once there, the only problem was opening the door. They were in an underground cavern next to a huge black lake, and the actual gate into the mines was carved in rock. Gandalf had to say the password to get the doors to work. But he'd forgotten the word.

"Try 'Open Sesame'," said Calvin.

Since he didn't get the joke, Gandalf actually tried it! It didn't work. "From now on, leave the thinking to me!" he snapped.

So they waited. And waited. And waited. Finally Frodo figured it out. The engraving on the door said "Speak friend and enter". All one had to do was speak "friend" in Elvish, and the doors would open. Sure enough, no sooner had Gandalf uttered, "_Mellon!_" did the doors creak open.

"From now on, leave the thinking to him!" said Calvin. Gandalf kept himself from hitting the boy over the head with his staff.

"Now, if this movie is anything like the others, this is the part wherewe seesomething scary, like a skeleton." explained Calvin.

Hobbes walked in and felt something crunch beneath his feet. He looked down. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! SKELETONS!" he screamed and ran for the door.

"And this would be the part where a bad guy comes along and blocks our only exit!" said Calvin.

With a terrific roar, a giant octopus-like monster rose out of the lake, dragging Frodo into the water with one of its tentacles. "HELP!" he screamed.

"And this would be the part where…"

"STOP CURSING US!" screamed Pippin.

While everyone else was whipping out swords and bows to fight the beast, Calvin took out his Transmogrifier. "DEATH TO OCTOPUSES!" he yelled, and fired.

Nothing happened.

"Uh-oh!" he said, and fired again, but still nothing.

"What's going on?" cried Hobbes.

"I think it's out of batteries."

"OUT OF BATTERIES? Can you recharge it?"

"Of course I can recharge it Hobbes! How dumb do you think I am?"

"How long does it take to recharge it?" asked Merry.

"About three days."

"Three days? WE DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF TIME!" shouted Pippin, who was clearly panicking.

"This is all your fault!" yelled Merry, "You had to encourage him to play that stupid game during the Council of Elrond!"

"He started it!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

Luckily, Legolas still had some sense, and he shot the monster down while Aragorn and Boromir retrieved Frodo.

"DID NOT!"

"DID TOO!"

"GET IN!" yelled Aragorn, as he ran past carrying Frodo.

They all stared for a second, re-collecting their thoughts. "Oh," said Calvin. "I guess it didn't matter then."

"Yeah…" said Pippin slowly.

"RUN YOU IDIOTS!" shouted Hobbes, and he pounced on them all, landing a few feet farther than the rest of the Fellowship.

The monster had gotten its wits back and was trying to get in after them, but only succeeded in knocking the door down, causing a cave-in that trapped the group inside. "Stupid octopus," muttered Calvin.

All was dark and quiet. "We now have but one choice," said Gandalf, "We must face the long dark of Moria."

They started walking when Calvin realized something. "I FORGOT MY BOX!"

* * *

Meanwhile, outside of Moria, the Ringwraiths arrived! The very sight of them sent the monster scurrying back down into the lake. They walked along the shore, and then they spotted something. Calvin's box!

"What is this thing?" hissed one of them, climbing into it. Some of the others followed him. Another started playing with the arrow.

"Home," he read. And that was all the box needed to start working. The Ringwraiths shrieked and grabbed onto the sides as Movie Magic rose through the air and headed home!

A/N: Another cliffie! I love cliffies! And yes, I will update ASAP.


	10. A Stupendous Encounter with Orcs!

Disclaimer: I don't own Calvin and Hobbes or the Lord of the Rings. I also borrowed a few lines from the movie version of Fellowship of the Ring.

A/N: Whoa! Sorry everyone! Now that I'm done with my other story, "You Have My Sword", I can start updating FOTC more frequently. My goal is weekly updates, with this fic hopefully being done by early summer. That's my goal. Hopefully it'll work. Now, let's see, we left off with Calvin in Moria and the Ringwraiths in Movie Magic, headed for Calvin's world…

Chapter 10: A Stupendous Encounter with Orcs

Movie Magic had done its job. The box landed smoothly in Calvin's hometown, with the Ringwraiths intact. And now the world was in serious trouble!

They all got out and walked through the neighborhood. After rounding a corner, they came across Moe, the class bully.

"_Where is Calvin's house?_" hissed the first Ringwraith.

Moe started to shake. These strange, hooded figures creeped him out. "Who? Twinky? He lives over there."

"_Not Twinky! Calvin!_"

"I kn-know! Twinky lives over there! Really!" squealed Moe.

"_Tell us where Calvin is or we shall destroy you!_" snarled the second Ringwraith, unsheathing his long sword.

Moe lost it. "MOMMY!!" he screamed, racing all the way home.

"_Nice going you worm!_" groaned the first wraith.

"_I didn't see you coming up with anything better!_" the second one shot back.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the dark mines of Moria, Calvin was growing sick of walking, again. Gandalf's glowing staff was the only thing giving off any light, which also made the place look spooky. Surprisingly, it was Hobbes who was terrified.

"I HATE being underground!" he said shakily for the millionth time.

"You know what this reminds me of?" asked Calvin, "That Tom Sawyer movie where the creepy guy chases him through the old mine…"

"STOP! STOP!" yelped Hobbes, covering his ears.

"And then…"

"STOP IT!"

Everyone else turned around and shushed them. "You must be quiet!" hissed Gandalf, "We don't know what lives here, and if you inform something unfriendly of our presence, I don't want to think of what might happen!"

"So basically, if we keep this up, we'll be lucky to get out of here alive?" asked Calvin.

"Yes."

"Oh that's real comforting…"

They continued the four day journey through the mountains. Hobbes continued to clutch the wall for support. The sleek, cocky jungle cat was gone. He was terrified. Then he heard a soft voice.

"And then the creepy guy falls…"

"SHUT UP!" Hobbes howled as he dashed to the front of the line. Gandalf turned around and glared at the innocent-looking Calvin.

_This is going to be a long trip…

* * *

_

Meanwhile, the Ringwraiths walked to the next neighborhood, where they met just as much luck.

"_Where is Calvin's house?_" asked one of them to Susie.

"That pig? He's…"

"_No! Not a pig! A boy named Calvin!_" roared the second one, clenching his fists and stepping forward.

Susie screamed and ran.

"_This is not going very well_," announced the first wraith.

"_Tell us something we don't know!_" snapped the third one.

* * *

After a few days of walking, the Fellowship arrived at a point where the way was split into three tunnels. The problem was that Gandalf couldn't remember which way to go. So everyone had to sit down and wait for him to think of where to go next.

Hobbes felt a little better. They were finally situated in a place where he was not in danger of falling off a cliff into nowhere…provided he stay near the tunnels. He curled up by the middle tunnel, intending for a nice cat nap. That was his intention. The problem was that Hobbes had an incurable sleepwalking habit. The result was that he began walking straight into the left tunnel.

Gandalf was thinking hard and did not here Calvin say, "Hobbes? Where're you going? Come back!"

"Mmmm, I just _love _this new deli…of _course_ I'll be your new taste tester! I'm already on my way to the back room!"

"Hobbes, you idiot, you're sleepwalking!"

Hobbes didn't hear Calvin. He was too busy chewing on an imaginary piece of meat. "Tasty! Not as good as humans are at times, but definitely delicious!"

"What do you mean not as tast- oh never mind!"

* * *

As the sun set, the Ringwraiths were thoroughly frustrated and unbelievably furious! There was no sign of Calvin or Hobbes anywhere! Where could they be?

"_Now what do we do?_" hissed a wraith.

It was the leader who felt a light bulb go off in his head. "_We shall take over this miserable village and make these worthless people slaves to our Master! _That _will be how we get our revenge on the boy and his pet!_"

"_The Dark Lord will be pleased!_" agreed Ringwraith #3. They all cackled gleefully.

"_Hurry! We have work to do!_" shouted the leader.

But Calvin had his own problems to deal with. And anyone who knew Calvin at all knew he put his own problems far ahead of everyone else's.

* * *

It was very dark inside the tunnel, and Calvin only had Hobbes' voice to lead him in any direction. "C'mon Hobbes!" he said for the millionth time. "Let's go back! It's too dark in here!" He paused. "Not that I'm _afraid_ of the dark or anything…" Fortunately, Hobbes couldn't hear a word he was saying. He was happily lost in dreamland.

Suddenly the passage seemed to give way to an open, airy space. Unfortunately, it was still pitch black. Calvin was getting extremely nervous, but tried not to show it. It didn't really matter, since no one could've seen his face in the dark.

At that moment Hobbes woke up. "Huh?" he said, "Where am I?"

"You were sleepwalking you idiot! Now we're lost!" snapped Calvin.

"Calvin? Where are you?" asked Hobbes. He stumbled along until he banged it something. That something appeared to be huge. Hobbes gulped. "Uh…Calvin?" he called, "Is that you?"

"I'm over here."

"Th-then…what's this?"

"What's what?" asked Calvin, heading in the general direction of Hobbes' voice. SMACK! Calvin jumped back. "I ran into one too!"

"They're everywhere!" cried Hobbes. Instant panic would follow in a matter of seconds.

Meanwhile, Gandalf had just realized that the left passage was the right way to go. The Fellowship got ready to leave. "Wait!" cried Pippin, "Where are Calvin and Hobbes?"

Gandalf groaned. _Why me?_ he thought.

"We'll have to look for them!" said Merry.

"Did anyone see where they went?" asked Aragorn. Everyone shook their heads.

Suddenly, screams could be heard from the left passage. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! MOMMY!"

"Oh dear," sighed Gandalf, "If they haven't woken every creature in these wretched mines, we will have used up all the luck we had!"

They found the pair screaming and running in all directions. "Silence!!" shouted Gandalf. Calvin and Hobbes froze in their places. They immediately began rubbing their eyes to adjust to the new light coming from the wizard's staff. "Now," said Gandalf slowly, trying to contain his frustration, "Tell me what is going on!"

"There's something in here!" hollered Calvin, "They're big, and they're hard as a rock, and they're everywhere!"

Gandalf took his staff and allowed more light to shine from it. "There's nothing here."

"What are you talking about? They're all over the pl…" Hobbes stopped and looked around.

"_Pillars_," said Frodo, trying not to laugh, "You two were running into pillars!"

Calvin glared at Merry and Pippin, who were laughing hysterically. Then he turned to look around at their surroundings, which were much nicer to see than the entire Fellowship smirking at him. "Whoa!" he said.

There was no doubt that this room alone could fit Calvin's entire neighborhood. The pillars which had scared him so badly were gigantic, and their tops could not be seen. He and the others gazed open-mouthed at the place. Gimli was especially excited, because this was the Hall of Durin. It was a piece of dwarven history since the height of Moria's splendor, thousands upon thousands of years ago. But because any history reminded Calvin too much of school, this was completely lost on him.

Just then, they saw a light up ahead. It was a small chamber with light pouring from a window near the ceiling, but that wasn't the only thing that made it stand out. There were skeletons lying in the doorway, and from the looks of it, all throughout the door.

"No!" gasped Gimli, and rushed forward.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! It's like the Tom Sawyer movie! We're all gonna die!" Hobbes yelled and took off in the other direction.

Gandalf was very quick. He decided to let Gimli go ahead into the room, since the bodies probably belonged to dwarves he had known. As for Hobbes, he stuck out his staff in his direction. Hobbes froze. His whole body went rigid into the position he had been in, and he could not move a muscle.

"Wow," said Calvin, "I should take you home with me!"

Gandalf quietly scolded Hobbes for losing his head at a time like this, and then let him loose. The tiger slowly rubbed his head and joined the rest of the group. "Come on Hobbes, cheer up," said Pippin, "Be brave like you were when you took on the Ringwraiths!"

"I. Don't. Like. Mines," said Hobbes.

"I don't like them either," added Legolas. He too looked anxious, but was better at hiding his feelings than his friend.

Sadly, the skeletons did belong to dwarves that Gimli had known. There was a tomb marking the grave of one of his cousins, Balin. The dwarf kneeled in front of it and began to cry. Calvin looked disgusted, but actually kept his mouth shut, for once. That was because he was finding the rest of the room much more interesting.

It was by far the most brightly lit place he had seen so far in Moria. Skeletons, cobwebs, and dust littered the floor, and much of the place looked like an ancient ruin. One might feel sad at the sight of what looked like a once great civilization, ruined by greed and the evil of Sauron. But being a six-year old, all this blew over Calvin. He was thinking about what a great addition this would be to a haunted house back at home.

Over to the side there was a large stone well, and propped up against it was another dwarf's skeleton. Curious, Calvin went over to get a better look at it. But when he reached out to touch it, it fell over backwards and toppled into the well! There was a loud clanging noise as it tumbled out of sight. Everyone winced and stared at Calvin in dread. This would definitely wake up any monster hiding in the mines!

"_Cool!_" exclaimed Calvin. He grabbed another skeleton and started dragging it toward the well.

"What are you doing?!" hissed Gandalf.

"I want to do that again!"

"NO!" Gandalf rushed forward, but it was too late. Calvin threw it in. It made an even louder sound than before!

"Have you lost _your mind?_" snarled Gandalf, yanking Calvin back.

"Geez Gandalf, what's your problem?" Unfortunately, Calvin got his answer a second later, as everyone heard the sound of booming drums. "Um, what was that?" he asked sheepishly.

"Orcs are coming, thanks to you!" snarled Gandalf.

"Oh…"

"Get back!" commanded Aragorn, pushing him and the hobbits farther away. He, Legolas, Boromir, and Hobbes began barricading the door. But nobody expected it to hold the orcs back for long.

Then, Boromir stuck his head out and jerked it back as an arrow came whizzing towards him. What he had seen was not good. "They have a cave troll!" he announced. Everyone's faces paled.

"Just how big are trolls?" asked Hobbes anxiously.

"This one would have to be tall enough to almost reach the ceiling," replied Boromir.

"Terrific," said Hobbes, "So we're all going to die."

"No we won't!" said Calvin in his most authoritative voice. Everyone turned to watch as he fled behind some rubble, completely hidden from view.

"That won't work," said Legolas, "They'll simply smell you out."

"I'm not hiding, dummy!" called Calvin, "_Mild-mannered Calvin…_"

"Oh no!" groaned Hobbes.

"…_has just hidden himself, so that he can transform himself into his alter-ego, the amazing, the incredible, the indestructible…_"

"What is he doing now?" asked Gandalf.

"You don't want to know," replied Hobbes.

"…_the sensational, the unbelievable, the fantastic, the incredible…_"

"You already said 'incredible'," Merry pointed out.

"…_the INCREDIBLE, the courageous, the handsome, the kind-hearted…_"

"Are you done yet?" asked Hobbes.

"Hold on, I'm still looking for my costume!" snapped Calvin, "_…the super-cool, the bold, the…_oh, here it is!" He was quiet for a minute, and then he announced, "_The powerful STUPENDOUS MAN!!! Dun dun dun dun!_" He popped out from behind the rubble wearing a bright red mask and cape.

"Calvin? What are you doing?" asked Pippin.

"Who's Calvin? I'm STUPENDOUS MAN! I'm here to rescue you good people from the evil orc army!"

"That'll be the day," muttered Hobbes.

"Nothing can withstand my stupendous strength!" announced Calvin, glaring at Hobbes, "Or my knife, for that matter."

"So you admit that Stupendous Man needs weapons to win?"

"Shut up Hobbes!"

At that moment, there was a loud thud, quickly followed by several more. Then the door started to break. The orcs were coming through! One looked through a hole, only to be shot by one of Legolas' arrows. It shrieked and fell back, but the rest of the army continued their attack, until they managed to break down the door and stream in.

The orcs were ferocious fighters, but they were evenly matched by the skills of Gandalf, Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, Gimli, and Hobbes. Hobbes pretty much used the same fighting strategy he used with Calvin, since these orcs were roughly about that size. It worked quite well. Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin were not as experienced as any of the others, but they weren't helpless either. They did the best they could with their sharp daggers, and managed to survive. Only one member of the Fellowship was not doing his part.

"_Stupendous Man surveys the scene of the battle, and with stupendous intelligence, he deducts that the evil Orc-Creatures are too powerful for even HIS stupendous strength! With great speed, he climbs up through a balcony and watches from a higher level!_" Yes, Calvin had fled. Talk and bravado, he realized, could only get you so far in war.

But the orcs were just the beginning. They were soon backed up by the troll that Boromir had warned them about. With a wild roar, it surveyed the area and caught sight of Calvin, who was the closest to its eye-level. Being up high hadn't been the greatest idea after all.

Shaking all over, Calvin stood up and bared his chest. "You've dealt with Stupendous Man for the last time, sinister fiend!" he shouted.

The troll blinked, then proceeded to wrap its chain whip around Calvin, and pulled him in. "HOBBES!" he screamed, "SAVE ME!!!"

Hobbes had taken one look at the troll and fled for the nearest hiding spot. Even tigers couldn't be expected to handle these types of dangers. But when he saw his best friend in his current predicament, he knew he had a serious moral crisis on his hands. _Hmm,_ he thought, _Think Hobbes! What are the pros and cons of staying? Well, the pros are that I won't get killed, and the way things are going, I might get to read those Captain Naplam comics without interruption…_

"HOBBES!"

Hobbes groaned. When it all came down to it, he knew that he wanted to help. So he charged forward and leapt onto the troll's back, sinking every one of his sharp claws in deep. The troll screamed and began thrashing all around, shaking his whip with Calvin still stuck on the end! "H-hobbes, m-make h-him s-stop!" But there was nothing Hobbes could do; he was just as stuck.

Finally, the troll decided to yank Hobbes off his back. In order to do that, he dropped his whip. Fortunately, Aragorn was stabbing at his foot from below, and caught Calvin before he was killed. Meanwhile, the troll reached behind its back and grabbed Hobbes, but was having trouble pulling him off. The harder it pulled, the more he dug in, causing it even more pain.

"Somebody do something!" shouted Calvin in panic, "That thing's going to kill Hobbes!" He didn't seem to realize that the Fellowship was already doing everything possible to bring down the troll, part of the reason why it continued to stumble and thrash around. "Fine!" he said to himself, "I'll do it!" He unsheathed his knife and flung it at the beast. It hit its chest, but the knife only made a scratch.

Then, suddenly, Calvin watched in surprise and awe as the troll let out a last pained moan and plunged forward, dead. Hobbes leapt off, severely shaken, but otherwise unharmed. Calvin was thrilled. "Hobbes!" he shouted, racing over to give his friend a huge hug, "You're safe!" Turning as if to face an audience, he announced, "_Once again, STUPENDOUS MAN manages to tackle extreme evil and save the day!"_

"Good job, Stupendous Man," said Legolas with a slight smirk. He decided not to tell Calvin that at the exact moment he threw his knife, it just so happened that the elf had shot the troll in the head with one of his arrows, causing it to die.

"Stupendous Man" took a bow. Hobbes rolled his eyes. "You hardly fought _at all!_"

"That's because I have such high intelligence; I can determine when it would really be the best time to join any fight!"

"Like being dragged in by a troll so that you can get thrashed around and almost killed?"

"Exact- hey!"

Everyone started laughing, until they were interrupted by the sound of more drums beating. Gandalf led them away as fast as they could possibly run. They flew back through the giant pillared hall, but it wasn't long before they were completely surrounded by thousands of snarling orcs! Before they could do anything, however, there was a loud roar, and the orcs scattered just as quickly as they had come.

"See?" said Calvin, "It's just like I said: Stupendous Man always triumphs!"

"I don't think they were afraid of you, Calvin," said Hobbes slowly. Calvin was about to retort, when he realized that for once, his friend was not teasing him for the sake of it. This time, he was scared, because he wondered what could possible frighten that big of an army.

"No," agreed Gandalf quietly. He too was uninterested in whatever Calvin was doing. His expression was filled with dread. "It is a Balrog."

Almost everyone, except the newcomers, stiffened. Calvin watched with wide eyes as the hall began to fill with an orange glow, like fire. It was clear that whatever was giving off that glow was huge. Now he was beginning to get nervous too. When Gandalf suddenly shouted at them all to run, he was the first to begin fleeing for the exit.

Unfortunately, the way there was treacherous. They had to run down crumbling stairs and almost fell through to their deaths several times. Orcs were watching them from far off and shooting at them with their long-range bows. And then, just as they reached the long, skinny, stone bridge that would lead them out at last, the Balrog leaped out behind them in a fiery blaze! Calvin and Hobbes looked up at it and started screaming. It was an enormous creature, with a scaly black body, sharp curved horns, fiery eyes, and a flaming whip! Worse still, it could breathe fire! Gandalf herded the entire Fellowship over the bridge, and then he himself started to cross. But towards the middle, he stopped, and bravely stood there, blocking the Balrog with his magic. "Gandalf!" cried Frodo.

Calvin watched with a mixture of awe and curiosity as the wizard plunged his glowing staff into the ground. With the roaring of the fire and the Balrog, it was hard to hear, but he was fairly sure that Gandalf had yelled, "You shall not pass!" The Balrog hesitated, stepped forward, and plunged through the bridge into the chasm below.

Calvin was stunned. "Wow," he gasped, "He's _good!_" It was amazing to think that what he considered to be a grumpy old man could kill a giant demon like that. He wondered if he should treat Gandalf with more respect. But he also knew that idea would be less appealing as time went on.

He never had the chance to think about it anymore, because at that moment, the falling Balrog cracked its whip, and it wrapped itself around Gandalf's legs! He was pulled down, but still managed to grasp the ledge as he looked at the Fellowship for the last time. "Fly, you fools!" he whispered, before he was pulled over.

Frodo screamed. Everyone else was in shock. Nobody wanted to move, or do anything for that matter. Fortunately, Aragorn and Boromir were able to pull themselves together and lead the rest of them out of Moria and into the warm sunlight.


	11. Encounters with a Witch

Disclaimer: I don't own Calvin and Hobbes, or the Lord of the Rings.

Chapter 11: Encounters with a Witch

The Fellowship was forced to continue their journey without Gandalf. It was a huge blow to their morale. Aragorn knew that if they were to accomplish anything, he would need to take on the now vacant role of leader. He hated the idea, but there wasn't much choice. He would have to rise to the task sooner or later.

Aragorn announced that they would be heading for a place called Lothlorien, and began leading them there as quickly as possible. Calvin didn't say a word, for once. He was too busy thinking about Gandalf to complain. It didn't take long for Hobbes to notice this unusual behavior in his friend. "What's wrong?" he asked.

Calvin didn't answer right away. It was as if he wasn't quite sure what to say. "I don't know Hobbes," he said finally, "I didn't really like Gandalf too much. He was like this horrible combination of Dad and Rosalyn."

"Your _dad_ and _Rosalyn?_"

"Yeah. He kept trying to make me build character, but had a scary way of enforcing it too."

"What's your point?"

"I…I guess it's just hard to believe he's not going to be trying to keep me in line anymore. Plus, I'm kind of scared. I mean, if he was such a powerful wizard, and _he _died, then I think I can safely say we're doomed."

They let that sit for a moment. Then Hobbes spoke. "Maybe not. I didn't really know Gandalf as well as everyone else, but he couldn't have sacrificed himself if he didn't think something good would come out of it, right?"

"I guess," said Calvin, "It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me."

"Me neither."

Each lapsed into a thoughtful silence. Nobody else said anything until they got to Lothlorien. It was a beautiful forest, filled with strange, thin white trees that had golden leaves. The air was cool and a bit unnerving, though Calvin wasn't sure why. Hobbes felt strangely relaxed. He found himself yawning widely and expressing the need to take a nap. Gimli was horrified by the suggestion. "You mustn't fall asleep in here!" he whispered, "It must be an enchantment working itself on you!"

"Th…tha…that's stupid," replied Hobbes, stifling a yawn.

"What do you mean, an enchantment?" asked Calvin.

Gimli explained that there was a legend that a witch lived in the forest. Anyone who saw her couldn't hope to leave the forest again. "You think that witch knows we're here?" asked Calvin anxiously.

"It's possible," replied Gimli, "But don't worry, lad. If she comes, I'll be able to spot her a mile away." At that moment, he and the rest of the Fellowship almost ran into several elves, who all had their bows drawn. Legolas drew his own to defend his friends.

"Oh good," said Hobbes, "Elves. They'll protect us."

The leader, whose name was Haldir, shot him an annoyed look. "We are under no obligations to protect anyone."

"Well, can you tell us if there really is a witch living here?" asked Calvin. He didn't notice the horrified expression that came on Aragorn's face.

All at once, every single arrow was pointed at Calvin. Haldir slowly turned to him with a fierce glare. "Are you speaking of the Lady Galadriel?"

"Is that the witch's name?"

"Calvin!" said Aragorn sharply. Neither Calvin nor Haldir paid any attention to him.

"She is our queen," snarled Haldir.

Calvin screamed. "You work for the witch! You're not real elves, you're disguised so you can lure us into your fiendish trap! Well, sorry to spoil your fun, but you're not fooling me! Run everybody!" Without further ado, he kicked Haldir as hard as he could and raced deep into the forest.

"Wait!" cried Aragorn as the elves prepared to shoot. "Haldir, you know me. I promise he wouldn't have said that if he knew what he was talking about. But he's six-years-old and has a wild imagination. You know the various legends concerning this place. Calvin was just reacting to what he heard." Here, Aragorn shot a quick glare at Gimli. "I assure you, he didn't know any better."

Haldir thought about it. "I'll vouch for him," added Hobbes, "He's weird, but he grows on you."

"Lower your weapons," said Haldir finally. Aragorn breathed a sigh of relief. "Both of you," he added, pointing to his top two sentries, "Go find him before he gets himself hopelessly lost." They bowed respectively and left.

Catching Calvin was a simple task, bringing him back was a whole different story. "NO!" he screamed, "I'M NOT COMING WITH YOU! PUT ME DOWN! HOBBES, SAVE ME!" He started biting and scratching at the guard who picked him up, and was immediately dropped to the ground. He tried to run away again, but was soon caught by the other guard. So Calvin bit him as well, and was soon running for his life (or so he thought). His wild screams and crashing noises as he tore through the forest were easy to track. Soon there were more elven sentries who came running over to investigate.

"**_Stop!_**" called the first sentry, "**_It's just a boy. We're trying to catch him!_**"

Once the other elves learned what was going on, they joined in the chase. One really had to feel sorry for Calvin. He was so heavily outnumbered, it was a wonder he lasted as long as he did!

A few hours later night had fallen, and the sentries, with Calvin in tow, met up with Haldir and the rest of the Fellowship. Haldir and Aragorn appeared to be in a heated argument over something, and only glanced up when they heard them return. Calvin was still yelling and struggling, but it did no good. When they dropped him on the ground next to his friends, the first thing he did was try to run again. This time, Hobbes was the one who stopped him.

"Will you relax?" he asked, rolling his eyes and smirking. "Can't you see that we're all safe?"

"No Hobbes!" said Calvin in a dramatic whisper, "Didn't you hear before? They're all working for that witch! They must've put you under the enchantment too! We have to fight back or we'll all be doomed!"

"Not exactly," said Merry, "Aragorn knows these elves. He says he's been here before."

"He _thinks _he's been here before! It's all a clever illusion!"

"Besides," added Pippin, "Legolas says they're arguing over whether they'll let us stay or not."

"Huh?" Calvin glanced over and noticed, for the first time, that Haldir and Aragorn were still arguing. Only he didn't know what they were saying, because they were speaking in Elvish. "Are you sure that's what they're talking about?"

"Well," said Hobbes with a smile, "Since Legolas is an elf; I think he has a pretty good grasp on what they're saying in Elvish."

"Oh you're hilarious Hobbes," said Calvin, rolling his eyes.

For a long time, they did nothing but wait, and read Calvin's comic books. Finally Haldir agreed to lead them to his city. Calvin wasn't too happy about this, but everyone else seemed relieved, so he decided to pretend he was too. He figured that when they were all trapped by the "witch", he could reveal that he wasn't under her "enchantment" and save everyone. He was even looking forward to it: the Fellowship would be forever grateful to him and might even do whatever he asked!

They traveled all throughout the night and day. By late afternoon, they reached the most beautiful city Calvin and Hobbes had ever seen. It was carved completely out of wood, the wood from the same strange trees that were everywhere. As it grew darker, the many elves that lived there lit the beautiful lamps that gave off a pure, white light. The air was peaceful, filled with the sound of elves singing and the water from the streams flowing throughout the city.

Haldir led them up a spiraling set of stairs, around a tree that went higher than any other. By the time they reached the top, night had fallen and they were exhausted. But neither Calvin nor Hobbes wanted to sleep; they were too fascinated by what they were seeing. At the top of the tree was a large white platform, which led to even _more _stairs. But these were special; they led to the thrones of the elven king and queen of Lothlorien: Celeborn and Galadriel. Together, they descended very slowly and gracefully to meet the Fellowship.

As soon as Calvin laid eyes on Galadriel, he realized that she must be the "witch" Gimli had told him about. He also felt all his anxiety dissolve. He had no idea why, but he felt perfectly safe. If she was a witch, then she must be a good witch. Next to him, Hobbes was turning red and whispering, "Ooo, another _babe!_" Nobody else seemed to have heard him except the lady herself, who smiled slightly in amusement.

Introductions were made, although Galadriel already seemed to know who everyone was, without them saying anything. Things grew awkward when Gandalf was mentioned. No one had been able to tell Haldir what had happened, and Legolas couldn't help but hint that he thought it was Gimli's fault for wanting to go through Moria in the first place. But Calvin noticed that Galadriel was different from most elves. She felt no animosity for Gimli or the rest of the dwarves, unlike most elves. On the other hand, she refused to romanticize their quest, but rather state bluntly that if they made one mistake, they would all be doomed. Then she stared pointedly at Calvin, and he was suddenly bombarded with images of all the fun things he and Hobbes did at home: wagon rides, soaking Susan with water balloons, playing Calvinball, having snowball fights…it gave him the strong desire to go home. Next to him, Hobbes was seeing the same things. Both were half a second away from stating that they wanted to leave.

But then Calvin remembered that whatever he did back home, there was sure to be things just as exciting to discover here! Hobbes was also thinking that if he left now, it would kill him to never know how things turned out. Without saying a word, both vowed to keep going, and Galadriel was satisfied. They had passed her test.

* * *

Back at home, the weather had taken a turn for the worst, and it was starting to snow hard. But this did not deter the Ringwraiths as they continued their quest to conquer Calvin's town. Nobody in his neighborhood was aware yet, but in the center of town, chaos reigned as they smashed through building after building, driving out the people and frightening them with their horrible shrieks! Soon everything and everyone would be completely under their control!

* * *

The Fellowship was given permission to stay in Lothlorien for as long as possible. Hobbes took to it right away; the peaceful atmosphere and the beautiful woods were perfectly suited for him. Calvin, on the other hand, was so exhausted that he went right to sleep. But he had only been that way for a few hours when he was shaken awake again. "Go away Mom," he mumbled.

"You need to get up Calvin," said a soft, female voice.

"Why can't I just miss the bus today?"

"Here," said Hobbes' voice, "I'll do it!"

"Huh? Wait, NO!" But it was too late; Hobbes had pounced on him. "GET OFF ME, YOU SAVAGE ANIMAL!" shouted Calvin.

"Shh!" whispered another voice, as she pulled the two of them apart. It was Galadriel. "I want you to come with me."

Calvin was in a bad mood for being woken up so suddenly, and his suspicions about her returned. "Why? So you can put us under one of your weird enchantments and make us your slaves forever? I don't think so!"

"_Calvin!_" groaned Hobbes.

Galadriel shook her head. "I'm afraid I don't have the ability to do anything like that," she said, "If you will come with me, I will show you what I want you to see."

In the end, she and Hobbes managed to drag Calvin down a path into a hidden enclosure. Inside, there was a fountain and a large stone basin. Galadriel took a silver pitcher and filled it with water, and then poured it into the basin. "This is my Mirror," she explained.

"It looks more like a bowl of water to me," said Calvin.

"It may look that way, but it's much more than that. It shows different things to everyone who looks in it. Things that were, things that are, and some things that have not yet come to pass."

"So, it can predict the future?" asked Hobbes.

"In a way," replied Galadriel, "But not exactly. It only shows what _may_ happen, depending on what course you take. But you can never know for sure which course leads where."

"Can we look in it?" asked Calvin eagerly.

Galadriel smiled. "That's what I brought you here for. Are you ready?"

"Yeah!"

"Then step up, and look in."

Calvin did. He gasped when the water began to ripple, and then it showed him moments in his life before he came to Middle Earth: the day he first met Hobbes, his first day of school, the night he locked Rosalyn, his baby-sitter, out of the house. Then it showed him flying through Middle Earth on Movie Magic, keeping track of the Fellowship. But then the images changed. "Hey!" he yelled.

"What's wrong?" asked Hobbes in alarm.

"The Ringwraiths stole my box! Right after we went into Moria!"

"_What?!_"

"Look!"

"He can't," interrupted Galadriel, "Only you can see what the Mirror decides to show you."

"They flew back home!" Calvin shouted.

"Oh no!" cried Hobbes.

"They've ransacked City Hall! Now they're ripping up the library, and tearing down the bank, and…hey, wait a minute! They're destroying my school! Awesome!"

"_Awesome?_ Are you insane? Let me look into that Mirror!" demanded Hobbes.

"No! I want to see more!"

"You've seen plenty! Let me look!"

"No! What would it show you? A can of tuna?"

"What if I _want _to see a can of tuna?"

"Enough!" Galadriel broke in. "Calvin, it is time for Hobbes to have a look!"

Grumbling and moaning loudly, Calvin stepped aside and let Hobbes look in. "Enjoying that can of tuna?" he snarled.

"No," said Hobbes with a wink, "I can see _two_ cans of tuna!"

"Oh shut up!"

"Uh-oh!" said Hobbes after another minute, "I can see the Ringwraiths too. They're headed for our neighborhood!"

"_Our neighborhood?_ What if they destroy our home? Or our treehouse? Hobbes, we have to go back and stop them!"

"You can't," replied Galadriel, "You agreed to stay on the quest."

"Yeah, well now I'm _dis_agreeing! Find someone else to do your dumb quest! We're leaving!"

"How?" asked Hobbes, "They took Movie Magic!"

"I can make a new one," said Calvin dismissively, "Just get me a box."

"I don't think they have cardboard here," said Hobbes.

"Then I improvise! It's not that hard! Just get me any type of box! Cardboard, wood, steel, I don't care!"

In the end, Galadriel was able to find them a large wooden crate, as well as a quill and ink. Calvin wrote in huge letters: "Movie Magic". Then they hopped in. "Don't worry," Hobbes told Galadriel, "We'll be back soon!"

"I hope so," replied Galadriel.

"Wait!" cried a voice, "Where are you going?" They turned around and saw Merry and Pippin hurrying forward.

"Sorry guys," said Calvin, "We have to go home. The Ringwraiths stole my box and they're destroying the whole town!"

"Then we're coming too!" said Merry.

"What? You can't do that!" cried Hobbes.

"Why not?" asked Calvin, "We're going to need all the help we can get. Hop in, guys!"

"I don't like this," said Galadriel slowly.

"Of course you don't!" snapped Calvin, rolling his eyes as Merry and Pippin got in. "Let's go!" The box rose into the air, and they were on their way home!


	12. Home Invasion!

Disclaimer: I don't own Calvin and Hobbes or the Lord of the Rings.

A/N: I realized too late that in the first chapter, I wrote that the weather was nice out. I've been meaning to change it, but I'm not sure how to do that. If anyone could tell me how, without having to take down the entire story, I'd appreciate it. But if it can't be done, that's ok too.

Chapter 12: Home Invasion

Calvin landed his box on his front lawn and was delighted to see that it was snowing heavily. "This is so cool!" he cried, "Now we can make forts and have a real snowball fight and…"

WHACK! Calvin never finished his sentence, because someone had hit him in the back of the head with a snowball! "Hobbes?!" he snarled.

"I didn't do anything!" replied Hobbes.

"_There_ you are, you little jerk!" shouted a girl's voice. The four of them turned around to see that Susie had thrown the snowball. "Boy, are you in trouble!"

"So are you, if you're the one that hit me!" yelled Calvin, launching himself at Susie. Merry and Pippin held him back. "Hey, let go!" he cried.

"You can't beat up a girl!" said Pippin.

"Of course I can! It's my job!"

"No!" replied Pippin firmly.

"What's the matter, anyway?" Merry asked Susie politely.

"Who are you?" she asked, "I've never seen either of you here before!"

"We're friends of Calvin's," explained Merry.

"Did you help him send those black-hooded creeps here?" demanded Susie with a fierce glare, "They're tearing apart the whole town!"

"I didn't even send them here in the first place!" protested Calvin, "They came on their own!"

"So you admit you know who they are?"

"Well…maybe I don't _know_ exactly…"

WHACK! The force of several more snowballs knocked Calvin to the ground. "No, wait!" cried Pippin as Susie turned to him next, "We want to get rid of them too! That's why we're here!"

"You'd better know how to get rid of them, because they're talking about taking over the entire city! What if they try to take over America?"

"They're not interested in America!" said Calvin in exasperation, "Stop being so dramatic! They must be looking for me!"

"Why?" asked Susie, "What did you do _this _time?"

"I invented a device that takes you into movies, and it looks like some of the characters found their way here."

"Riiiiight…"

"It's true! I'll prove it to you once I find my box!"

"Is that it?" asked Hobbes. Sure enough, he was pointing to Movie Magic!

"Yes!" cried Calvin, hurrying over to it, "Now we just have to get rid of those Ringwraiths!"

"And how do you plan on doing that?" asked Hobbes.

Calvin looked around. There was nothing he could use as a weapon. Then his eyes fell on the heavily falling snow. "That's it!" he cried.

"What? What?" demanded everyone else excitedly.

"We'll use the snow to make hundreds of snowballs and we'll ambush them!"

There was a pause, finally broken by Pippin. "You know, I could be wrong, but I don't think Ringwraiths can be killed by snowballs."

"Then come up with your own plan, genius!" snapped Calvin.

Susie paced around and thought. "These…um…Ringwraiths…must have some weakness. What don't they like?"

"Fire!" said Merry, "Let's set them on fire!"

"When it's snowing? That won't work. Think of something else!"

"I've got it!" cried Hobbes suddenly. He leaned over and whispered something in Calvin's ear.

"Oh no," said Calvin, backing away slowly, "I learned my lesson last time, and I'm not doing it again!"

"What are you talking about, Calvin?" asked Susie.

"Hobbes has a bad idea on how to stop the Ringwraiths."

Susie blinked. It was the first time she had ever heard Calvin criticize his own idea. (Or rather, what _she _thought was his idea!) "Ok…what is it?"

"It doesn't matter. For one thing, there isn't enough snow yet. And it's dangerous!"

"More dangerous than the Ringwraiths?"

"_Way_ more dangerous than the Ringwraiths!"

"What is it?" demanded Pippin. He couldn't believe that anything could possibly be more dangerous than the Ringwraiths.

Hobbes grinned. "I think we should unleash an army of deranged mutant killer monster snow goons!!!"

"And I think it's the worst idea ever! How are we supposed to control an army of snow goons?"

"What are you talking about?" asked Susie in exasperation.

"Yeah, what's a snow goon?" asked Merry.

"It's like a snowman, but it's evil!"

Pippin gulped. "And Hobbes thinks we should unleash an army of _them?_ We'll be in more trouble than when we started!"

"That's what I've been saying!" said Calvin, "What a dumb idea!" Hobbes glared at him and flexed his claws. "Heh heh, what I meant was, it was a nice idea, but it probably won't work!" His friend growled. "Ok! Let's do it!"

"Huh?" said Susie. Not seeing Hobbes as a real tiger, while everyone else did, was becoming very confusing.

"Tigers have always been the most persuasive of animals," announced Hobbes proudly, as Calvin began gathering all the snow on his lawn, "Anyway, you know I'd be the last one to suggest something risky like this. But don't you have some sort of gadget that will make them do what you want? Like what you did to the Duplicator?"

"Hey, you're right! Everyone, get as much snow in the neighborhood as you can! We're going to need a lot in order to make a snow goon army!"

So everyone picked a lawn and began piling up snow to make a snow goon. "Wait Hobbes, I need your help!" said Calvin, "I want you to go up to my room and find my Ethicator Helmet."

"Your what?"

"My Ethicator Helmet. That's what I made just in case one of my creations got out of control. As soon as I bring this snow goon to life, I want you to put the helmet on and switch it to 'Good'. Hopefully it will allow the snow goons to serve me!"

"But Calvin…" Hobbes had suddenly noticed a flaw in his plan.

"No time for that Hobbes! We have to finish this before the Ringwraiths come!"

So Hobbes hurried up to Calvin's room and grabbed the Ethicator Helmet. Then he helped make the goon bigger, as well as add extra arms and heads. Soon it had become a terrifying creature. All they needed to do was bring it to life. "By the power invested in me by the awful mighty snow demons, I command you to come to life!" Calvin chanted, "Live, live, liiiivvve!" The snow goon opened its eyes and began to growl. "Hobbes, now!" shouted Calvin. Hobbes whipped on the Ethicator Helmet and quickly flipped the switch.

ZAP!

The snow goon blinked, and then its mouth curved into a friendly smile. "Why, hello there little boy!" it said cheerfully, "What is your name?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!" screamed Calvin, "It talks!"

"But of course I can talk! You brought me to life, so why not? Thank you for bringing me to life, by the way! It's wonderful to be able to feel the crisp winter air and see the snow falling!"

"That's great, snow goon. But listen, we're making you an army so that you can fight off Ringwraiths. They're destroying the town, and we want you to stop them. Ok?"

The snow goon paused. "I'm sorry," it said, "But that is _not _ok! I have no desire to hurt anyone!"

"WHAT?" cried Calvin, "But you're a deranged mutant killer monster snow goon!"

"I'm not a monster!" cried the snow goon, looking hurt.

"Yes you are! That's why I created you!"

"I refuse to believe that my purpose in life involves hurting people."

"Not people, Ringwraiths! So get yourself out there and fight them off!"

"I'm sorry, but I can't. If I find someone who can help you though, I will let you know." With that, the snow goon began walking away.

"COME BACK HERE, YOU MORON!" shouted Calvin. But the snow goon ignored him. "Geez!" he groaned, "We've got killer Ringwraiths on the loose, and the only creature that can stop them would rather give them a hug and a kiss! Hobbes, what are we going to do??"

"I vote we move to Middle Earth and forget we ever lived here."

"We can't do that; Movie Magic doesn't let you. You can stay in a movie until it's over, then you're forced to go home."

"Then I guess we're doomed, huh?"

"We can't give up that easily! Let's see if anyone else finished their snow goon yet!"

Susie had finished hers a long time ago, and had started working on a second. Merry and Pippin were busy helping build each other's snow goon, making them more hideous and terrifying by the second. "Nice job guys," said Calvin, "They're perfect!"

"Wow, did you just compliment me?" asked Susie.

"No, I was talking to them. I didn't even see yours," replied Calvin. He went over and examined her goons. "Ok," he said, "Nowhere near perfect of course…" Susie rolled her eyes and groaned.

"Um, Calvin?" asked Hobbes, "I hate to remind you, but how are we going to make these snow goons do what you want them to?"

"Grrrrrr! I don't know!"

"What's the problem?" asked Susie.

"Well, I'm trying to make these snow goons come to life, so they'll kill all the Ringwraiths."

"_That's_ your big plan?"

"Weren't you listening before? Anyway, I tried putting an Ethicator Helmet on the one I built…"

"Ahem!"

"I mean…that _Hobbes_ and I built…in order to make it good, instead of evil. But it didn't work! That snow goon only cares about making people happy! It refuses it to even _scare_ the Ringwraiths!"

"Why don't you make a control helmet then, like in the Spongebob Movie," joked Susie.

Calvin's eyes grew huge. "_That's brilliant!_" he shouted, "Man, you're smart for a girl!"

"Uh…"

"But they used a satellite to make the helmets work," said Calvin to himself, "What could we use instead? Of course…batteries! I'll get to work on it right now!" With that, he ran inside his house and disappeared.

"Is he crazy?" demanded Susie.

"You just figured that out?" laughed Merry.

Meanwhile, Calvin dug through all his beach toys until he found his little red plastic bucket. He grabbed a marker and wrote "Brain Control Helmet" on it. "Perfect!" he exclaimed. Next, he ran outside and flipped over Movie Magic, turning it back into the Duplicator. Before long, he had over a dozen Brain Control Helmets!

"Um, Calvin? What are you making?" asked Susie.

"Watch!" replied Calvin. He put the first helmet on one of Susie's goons, and then brought it to life. The snow goon growled and lifted its claws, but Calvin shouted, "Helmet! Activate!" Suddenly the snow goon was facing him and bowing respectfully. Merry, Pippin, and Hobbes clapped in amazement. "That's right," said Calvin smugly to the snow goon, "You serve _me_ now!"

"Huh?" said Susie again. This was really starting to get frustrating for her.

_Girls are so stupid!_ thought Calvin. He knew he needed to give her something to do, however. Something that wouldn't require a lot of brainpower. Then it came to him! "Susie?" he asked, "Where are the Ringwraiths now?"

"I don't know. The center of town?"

"Ok. I'm about to give you a _very _important job!"

"_Really?_ Gosh, I never thought you'd want me to do anything important for you! Other than cheating on tests."

"That's right!" said Calvin with an evil smile, "I want you to go downtown and find the Ringwraiths! Then I want you to lure them back here, so I can unleash my snow goon army on them!"

"You want to use me as _bait?_" shrieked Susie.

"That's right! It's a very important job!"

"While _you_ stand here and make _snowmen?!_"

"Snow goons," corrected Calvin.

"You little jerk! Forget it! I'm not risking my life for a stupid plan like this! We'll all get killed!"

"We will not! Can't you see how ferocious these snow goons are? The Ringwraiths will get torn apart!"

"Well, maybe we _should _have a back-up plan," remarked Hobbes, "Just in case."

"Fine! I'll come up with a Plan B while you lure the Ringwraiths here! Now will you do it?"

"Let's here this Plan B first!" growled Susie.

"While they fight the snow goons, I'll use my Transmogrifier gun to turn them into slugs! Then we'll on stomp on them!"

"Forget it," said Susie, and she began walking away.

Calvin sighed. "I guess it's come to this." Then his face split into an evil smile. "I can't wait to see the look on her face!" he cackled, "Pippin, will you go into my house, up the stairs, and you'll see a door that says 'Calvin's room. Enter and Die.' Go in there, and get the paper that's on my desk."

"Ok," said Pippin. He was back within a minute.

"HEY SUSIE!" shouted Calvin.

Susie turned around. "I said NO!" she yelled back.

"Maybe you'll be willing to cooperate when your homework's at stake!"

"What are you talking about?"

In response, Calvin held up her book report. "I had to steal this the other day, so I could get a decent grade for once!" he told her, "Sorry about that!"

"What is that?" demanded Susie, running back over, "Calvin, IS THAT MY BOOK REPORT?? GIVE IT BACK!"

"Sorry!" said Calvin cheerfully, holding it just out of her reach, "Go find the Ringwraiths, and I won't rip this up!"

"You rotten pig! Give it back!"

"Go find the Ringwraiths!"

"NO!"

"Very well." Calvin slowly began to rip the paper in half.

"NO!" screamed Susie, "STOP! I'll do it, I'll do it!"

"Good girl!" said Calvin sweetly. He filled her in on what he wanted her to do, and then said, "Run along now!" She did, shaking and snarling in rage.

Hobbes, Merry, and Pippin all burst out laughing. "You're good!" said Pippin, "Now what?"

"Start making more snow goons! We don't have much time!" replied Calvin, "Hobbes, will you take this bucket and go find the nice snow goon?"

"Will do," replied Hobbes, taking the helmet, "Hurry up!"

* * *

"We've done it!" cackled the head Ringwraith in triumph, "This miserable city is ours!" 

"Wait until Calvin finds out!" said Ringwraith #2, "We will be able to make him do whatever the Dark Lord wants!"

Just then, the girl they had run into earlier approached them. She was trembling all over. "Excuse me?" she squeaked.

"What is it?" snarled the head Ringwraith, also known as the Witch King.

"Um…if you're looking for Calvin…he just got home…I know where he is…"

They all shrieked with an evil glee. "Take us to him!" hissed the Witch King.

"Ok," she mumbled, "Just don't hurt me!"

They all laughed harder at that. "Perhaps we'll spare you," replied the Witch King with a sneer, "Now, lead us to Calvin!"

_This had better work!_ thought Susie.

* * *

"Ok," said Calvin, "Is everyone ready?" Twenty snow goons nodded, with buckets strapped to their heads. "What about you guys?" 

"Ready when you are!" replied Merry.

"I think everyone should hide," said Hobbes, "I've found that ambushes work better than straight out attacks."

"Yeah, you would know, wouldn't you?" muttered Calvin, glaring at his friend, "Ok snow goons! Spread out and find a place to hide! When I yell, 'Susie', I want you to jump out and attack the guys in black hoods!" The snow goons quickly did as they were told. Hobbes helped Merry, Pippin, and Calvin climb a nearby tree and wait.

Before long, Susie came back, with all eight Ringwraiths in tow. Once they were in the middle of the neighborhood, Calvin knew they would never have a better opportunity. "Susie!" he screamed.

Susie broke out running down the street as fast as she could, not bothering to look back. This is what Calvin had instructed her to do. Meanwhile, the Ringwraiths eagerly turned in the direction of his voice…

…and twenty snow goons came at them from all sides, making it impossible for them to escape. They growled and snarled and waved their tree-branch arms. Calvin jumped down triumphantly. "Surprise!" he said.

"It was a trap!" shrieked the Witch King in rage.

"That's right!" said Pippin triumphantly, "Let's see you get out of _that!_"

"Pip, don't encourage them!" whispered Merry. But it was too late. The Ringwraiths calmly drew their swords and hacked their way through the snow goons, without getting injured themselves. It was simply a matter of snapping their arms off and cutting through the snow to get to Calvin and his friends.

"Uh-oh," said Calvin.

"Nice plan," muttered Hobbes, "_Now _what are you going to do?"

_The gang of thugs had me cornered! I knew that I, Tracer Bullet, had only one option in front of me. I quickly drew my pistol, which is always loaded, and fired several rounds at the enemy!_

ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!

Five slugs were now wriggling in the snow. The Witch King and one other were left. When they saw what Calvin had done to their fellows, they screamed and fled! Calvin aimed and prepared to fire again, but the wraiths dived into Movie Magic and were speeding back to Middle Earth before he could finish them off. Meanwhile, Hobbes, Merry and Pippin each picked a slug and squashed it. Calvin did the same.

"Ewwwwww!" shrieked Susie. She had heard the screams and decided she had to come back and help. Now she was wishing she hadn't. "What are those?" she cried.

"Ringwraiths!" replied Calvin, "Here, you did such a great job, I'll let you stomp on the last one!"

"No thanks!" cried Susie.

"Ok, I'll do it!" With a final stomp, the last slug was dead.

"You're disgusting!" cried Susie, "Where'd the Ringwraiths go?"

"We scared them away!" replied Pippin triumphantly.

"So…they aren't coming back?" asked Susie doubtfully.

"That would pretty stupid if they did," Calvin assured her, "They're gone for good!"

"O….kay…" Susie was completely confused, but they _were _gone. "Can I have my book report back?"

"Yeah, sure," said Calvin, "I finished copying it already."

"CALVIN!"

"Time to go!" said Hobbes. Calvin dropped her report on the ground and they dashed for the crate. Susie raced after them, but froze when she saw the box rise up into the air. The last thing Calvin saw was her mouth hanging open in shock as he flew away. He laughed, and they were gone.

A/N: Another little disclaimer that needs to be added concerns the spell that brings the snow goons to life. I didn't make that up, it comes from the strip when Calvin first created the snow goons.


	13. I'm NOT a Halfling!

Disclaimer: I don't own Calvin and Hobbes or the Lord of the Rings.

A/N: I'm really sorry I didn't update sooner; it was a bad combination of a busy week and some writer's block!

Chapter 13: I Am NOT a Halfling!

The rest of the Fellowship was shocked and relieved to see the crate return to Lothlorien. "You survived then?" asked Boromir.

"Of course we did," replied Calvin, "Those Ringwraiths were doomed from the moment we got back!"

"How did you do it?" asked Sam eagerly.

"It's a long, dramatic tale…" said Hobbes.

"Oh boy," muttered Calvin.

The rest of the Fellowship were enraptured as Hobbes spun a story of how he came up with a clever plan to unleash snow goons on the Ringwraiths.

"Which didn't work," added Calvin.

"It worked great!" replied Hobbes, "Who's telling the story anyway?"

"You are," replied Calvin, noticing his tiger's extra-sharp teeth.

"Very good! So, as I was saying, everyone thought my idea was the best they'd ever heard, and we built an entire army…"

"With _my_ Brain Control Helmet!"

"That I told you to make!"

"You did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Hobbes looked at his audience. "You know us well by now," he said, "Who do _you _think came up with the idea?"

Everyone unanimously decided that Hobbes was telling the truth. He took a bow and then turned to wink at Calvin. "THAT'S IT!" Calvin leapt at him and the two began fighting again. Everyone decided to leave them to themselves and Merry and Pippin finished the story.

They all stayed in Lothlorien for a few more weeks, and then Frodo insisted that they should really be moving on. Before they left, Galadriel presented them each with their own elvish cloak, which was designed to help them camouflage with their surroundings, so orcs would have trouble spotting them. She also gave them each a special gift: Sam got elven rope, Merry and Pippin received elvish daggers, and Calvin got a real sword with a shimmering blue gem encrusted in the hilt. Hobbes received a special sack that carried…fish.

"_Fish?_" exclaimed Calvin, "She gave you _fish?_"

"They're not just any fish!" replied Hobbes excitedly, "They're big, silver fish from Lothlorien. Their skin is tough, but the meat is sweet and tender and gives you a real boost of energy! They're the most the delicious fish I've ever had, so Galadriel gave me a sack full of them!"

"Yeah? Well, I got a cool-looking sword! Check it out!" Calvin bragged.

"I'm surprised you can even lift it!" replied Hobbes, "It's twice your size!" This time, nobody even bothered to look up as Calvin began chasing his friend around yet again.

By the early afternoon, the Fellowship had loaded all their things in to special longboats that would carry them down the river Anduin. The plan was to sail down it as long as possible, in order to avoid any creatures hunting them down. Then they would continue their journey on land as carefully as possible. Galadriel and the rest of the elves waved them goodbye, and they were off.

"Wait!" cried Calvin suddenly, "Where's Hobbes?!" He was sitting in one boat with Legolas and Gimli. Aragorn, Frodo, and Sam were in the second, and Boromir, Merry, and Pippin were in the third. But Hobbes was nowhere to be seen.

"He's swimming alongside us," laughed Legolas, "Haven't you noticed?"

Suddenly, the boat started to rock! Calvin and Gimli clung to the edges in fright, but it did no good; the boat was suddenly knocked over on its side! All three of them fell into the river. Legolas quickly surfaced and glared at the culprit. "Oh come on!" protested Hobbes, "I couldn't help myself!"

"HELP! I'M DROWNING! SOMEONE SAVE ME!" Calvin was screaming.

"I can't swim!" Gimli shouted in panic.

"Now look what you've done!" scolded Legolas, but he helped Hobbes pull Calvin and Gimli back on to the boat. At this point, Aragorn rowed up next to them.

"That's enough!" he snapped at Hobbes, "We've left Lothlorien and we're in a dangerous stage of our quest. I would advise you _not_ to pull pranks on each other anymore."

"Ok," said Calvin, "Right after I get my revenge…"

"_No!_" replied Aragorn firmly, "That's _enough!_"

"Spoilsport," muttered Calvin. But he was slightly afraid of what Aragorn was capable of, so he didn't argue the point any further. Besides, what the ranger didn't know about wouldn't hurt him.

They continued sailing down Anduin for the next few days without much happening. Calvin was starting to grow cranky and bored. There was nothing to do all day but watch Hobbes swim along and Legolas row their boat. The scenery hardly changed either; they just continued to look at trees. At night, they made camp on the beach, and slept on the cold, wet sand. Finally, Calvin couldn't take it any longer. The next night, he jumped up and went around searching for a softer place to sleep.

Everyone had their own blanket, but there weren't any extra to spare. Calvin began pulling apart some of the packs to see if anyone had a spare cloak he could use to make a makeshift bed. He knew he had to be careful; he could see Aragorn and Boromir talking not too far away, with their backs turned. Suddenly, he heard a soft splashing noise in the water. Calvin whirled around, and saw a log floating along on the opposite bank. He was just about to turn away when he saw something come out from behind it, a pale hand!

Hobbes was curled up in a ball and having a nice dream about hunting wild tuna cans in the jungle when he felt something shivering next to him. He woke up in a flash, only to see Calvin clutching him. "This had better be good," he muttered.

"Save me Hobbes! There's something swimming in the water!" whimpered Calvin.

"That's funny you should say that, after what I heard…"

"What? What did you hear?"

"It's kind of silly…"

"Tell me!"

"I heard about some type of animal that lives in the water."

"What?"

"Ridiculous, really, there's no way…"

"You'd better tell me right now!"

"They say it swims around a lot, all over the place!"

"What are is it called? Are is it a monster?"

"They're called…_fish!!!_" Hobbes fell over laughing, while Calvin began letting out warning growls.

"I'm serious Hobbes! Look at that log over there!"

Hobbes looked, but he didn't see anything unusual. "It's a log. What about it?"

"Keep watching." But nothing happened.

"Calvin, do you know why most people don't wake a sleeping tiger?" asked Hobbes.

"Uh…"

"Because they're not that stupid!" he snarled, flexing his claws.

"No! I'm not making it up! I swear! Look more closely- there's something behind that log! Please, buddy!"

Hobbes looked one last time. "Are you crazy?" he demanded, "There's _nothing_ there!"

"I know why," said a soft voice. Calvin and Hobbes jumped, but it was only Aragorn. "You're looking at the wrong log."

"Ohhhhh…" Calvin looked around. Sure enough, there was another log floating nearby. After several seconds, they saw the pale hand flash out and then withdraw. "Do you know what that thing is?"

"That's Gollum," replied Aragorn.

"Who?"

"Wait," said Hobbes, "I've heard of him. He's that weird little creature that used to have the Ring, right? And now he keeps trying to get it back!"

"That's right," replied Aragorn, "He's been following us ever since we entered Moria."

"Is he dangerous?" asked Calvin anxiously.

"Not while I'm here," replied Aragorn, "He's simply biding his time right now, waiting for the perfect opportunity."

"But that's not coming any time soon, right?" asked Calvin.

"It shouldn't," said Aragorn, "Be on your guard anyway." He then left them to continue his watch. Both Calvin and Hobbes had trouble sleeping for the rest of the night, but fortunately, no one tried to attack them.

After several more restless days traveling down Anduin, Calvin was delighted to finally see a change in scenery. There were two gigantic stone statues of two ancient kings of Gondor, apparently Aragorn's ancestors. They each held up one hand, as though warning enemies not to pass any further. Everyone looked up at them in amazement, especially Calvin and Hobbes, who had never seen anything that big before.

That same afternoon, the Fellowship arrived near the edge of the Falls of Rauin, a great waterfall that signaled the end of their first leg of the journey. They camped out on the beach, waiting for night to fall so they could slip away unseen. Sam got out his pots and pans, and began cooking their dinner while Hobbes drooled over his shoulder. Calvin yawned and stretched out on the sand. "How long are we going to stay here?"

"Just until nightfall," replied Aragorn, "You might as well get some rest."

"Are we almost there?" groaned Calvin, "I'm getting tired of this whole quest thing."

"We still have several weeks ahead of us," was the grim reply.

"Oh joy."

"Where's Frodo?" Merry asked suddenly. They looked around, but Frodo had disappeared. A closer look told them that Boromir was missing too.

"Oh well," said Calvin, "They won't get into any trouble if they're together." Aragorn didn't seem to agree. Without a word, he slipped into the woods to look for them. Legolas took over for him as the watch guard.

A few minutes passed uneventfully. Calvin had just started to close his eyes when Legolas suddenly shouted, "Orcs are here!" Calvin's eyes flew open, but there was no danger to be seen.

"What do you mean, 'orcs are here'?" he demanded angrily, "If you're pulling my leg…" But everyone else had jumped to their feet and were unsheathing their weapons.

"He's an elf," explained Pippin, "They can see and hear better than we can!"

"So, where are we going?"

"Frodo, Boromir, and Aragorn are out there!" replied Pippin as they ran into the woods, "We have to help them before it's too late!"

"Sounds like fun," muttered Calvin as he followed Merry and Pippin deeper into the trees. Hobbes, who didn't realize they were splitting up, was closely behind Legolas and Gimli, who ran off in another direction. Sam went his own way, calling for Frodo as loud as he could.

* * *

Aragorn had just sent Frodo on his way when he saw the largest, most powerful orcs headed toward him. They weren't normal orcs, they were Uruk-hai, and they were ready for a good fight! Aragorn began to battle them, when Legolas, Gimli, and Hobbes leapt into the fray, taking down as many as possible.

Meanwhile, Calvin found an old, rotting log that he led Merry and Pippin through. As they crept toward the other side, they could see Frodo hiding behind a tree. "Here, come and hide!" whispered Calvin.

But Frodo shook his head sadly. "What's going on?" muttered Calvin.

"He's leaving," said Merry slowly, as if he couldn't believe what he was saying.

"Huh?" asked Calvin. Pippin seemed to understand, however, and he raced out of his hiding place to confront Frodo. Startled, Merry and Calvin chased after him, only to see several Uruks headed their way! Quickly, Calvin whipped his red cloak out of his pocket and donned the Stupendous Man outfit! "Come and get me, you sinister morons!" he shouted. It worked; the bright red clothes stood out in the woods, and the Uruks chased after him, Merry, and Pippin, all the while running farther and farther away from Frodo.

* * *

"Hey!" cried Hobbes suddenly, "Where're Calvin, Merry, and Pippin?"

"They must have gone another way!" replied Legolas, as he shot down another Uruk-hai.

"I'm going to look for them," announced Hobbes.

"They'll be fine!" shouted Gimli, "Don't worry about them, you're needed more here!"

Hobbes reluctantly agreed, until he heard a horn blast out threw the woods. It was Boromir's horn; he was summoning them for help! Together, the four of them ran as fast as they could toward the sound, fighting the Uruk-hai as they went.

* * *

Calvin, Merry, and Pippin continued the lure the Uruks along until they got to a small clearing. Suddenly they were surrounded from all sides, until Boromir came to help them out. "Stand aside, everyone!" announced Calvin cockily, "Our hero is here to bravely combat…" One of the Uruks threw him aside as though he were a pebble. "Ow!" he cried as he fell against a tree, "You'll pay for that!" Although Calvin had never fought with a sword in his life, he wasn't terrible at it. Galadriel had given him a special weapon that looked formidable but was also very light, perfect for a six-year-old to swing with ease. Fortunately, Boromir was there to make sure nothing harmful came his way.

"I think we're getting the hang of this!" exclaimed Pippin after the three of them had leapt onto a Uruk-hai, knocked it over, and killed it.

"That's because you have me here to help you!" replied Calvin proudly. As he got off and surveyed the scene, however, he noticed a new Uruk approach. This one was larger, and he had a bow and arrows. Slowly, and cautiously, the creature lifted his bow and fired. "Duck!" cried Calvin. He flattened himself on the ground, and Merry and Pippin followed suit. But someone else wasn't quick enough.

When Calvin started to look up, he was horrified to see Boromir falling to the ground. The Uruk's arrow had hit its target.

Boromir was still alive, but he didn't look good. To make matters worse, the Uruk who'd shot him turned out to be their leader. "Seize the halflings!" he snarled. As Calvin, Merry, and Pippin rushed over to help Boromir, they were snatched up and carried away.

"HEY!" yelled Calvin, "I'm NOT a halfling! Put me down! HOBBES, HELP! HELP!" But the Uruks laughed and simply ignored him.

* * *

Hobbes wouldn't admit this to anyone else, but he was enjoying himself. This was almost like a game to him, racing through the trees, only to jump out of nowhere and startle his enemies. It was like a combination of hunting and Calvin's version of football! But suddenly, he heard Calvin calling for help, and reality began to sink back in. Without hesitating, he raced toward the sound of Calvin's fading cries, faster than he'd ever run before.

Meanwhile, Boromir had fallen to the ground, having been hit several more times. He could hardly hold himself upright, but he needed to see what direction his friends had been dragged off in. The Uruk-hai were all gone, except one. The leader, Lurtz, had come to finish him off.

Lurtz was all set to fire the final arrow when he thought he heard a noise. He stopped, looked around, but saw nothing. He turned back to his task, only to hear a soft growl. Now Lurtz knew something was out there, so he drew his sword and waited for his enemy to appear. Nothing happened for a minute, and then Hobbes came running up from behind and pounced! Lurtz was knocked over, completely bewildered, and before he could recover, Hobbes had landed on him and finished him off.

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli arrived seconds later to find Boromir dying on the ground, and Hobbes staring in shock at Lurtz. Aragorn hurried over to attend to Boromir, while Legolas went over to his tiger friend. "Are you all right?" he asked.

"Well…I think so," replied Hobbes slowly.

"It doesn't look like he injured you," remarked Gimli, "You're very lucky."

"I know," said Hobbes, "It's not that. To be honest…it just hit me how much killing I've had to do lately. I'm a tiger, so part of it's my nature, but…I still don't think I like it very much."

Legolas smiled sadly. "To be honest, nobody likes killing except for these infernal orcs. You just have to fight sometimes in order to protect other people. That doesn't make it a good thing, but it is necessary at times."

Hobbes jumped up. "That's right!" he cried suddenly, and he ran over to Boromir, "Did you see Calvin anywhere?"

But Boromir had already died. He was too late.

Or so he thought. "I'm afraid I know," said Aragorn, "The Uruk-hai were looking for the Ring, and they mistook Calvin to be one of the hobbits. They've captured him and Merry and Pippin."

"WHAT? How long ago was this? Can we catch them?"

"It's possible," replied Aragorn, "But first we need to find Sam and…"

"Who cares about that?" replied Hobbes anxiously, "They'll be too far away by then!"

"It won't take very long, and then I promise you, we will go after them."

"But what about Frodo?" asked Gimli.

"He's chosen to go off on his own," replied Aragorn, "We aren't involved in his quest anymore."

A few minutes later, they had returned to the beach to find that Sam had caught up to Frodo and was rowing away with him. Without anymore hesitation, Hobbes led them back through the woods, intent on rescuing Calvin, Merry, and Pippin.


	14. The Rescue Mission

Disclaimer: I don't own Calvin and Hobbes or the Lord of the Rings. Also, Ugluk and Grimnashk are actual Uruk-hai characters from the books and movie, but I did make up the names of the other ones.

Chapter 14: The Rescue Mission

If Calvin had thought that traveling down Anduin was brutal, he was seriously rethinking that now. Traveling with Uruk-hai was a hundred times worse than any experience he'd had in Middle Earth so far. Because of his size, none of them believed him when he insisted that he wasn't a hobbit, and carried him on their backs, just like Merry and Pippin. Of course, it didn't take long for the whining to start.

"Where are we going?" asked Calvin. The Uruk-hai ignored him, so he swung back one of his small legs and gave the monster a good kick in the back! The Uruk grunted in pain and snarled at him. "I _said_, 'Where are we going?'" demanded Calvin.

"Shut up," was the response.

"I want to know right NOW!" shouted Calvin.

"You'll find out soon enough."

"Why can't you tell me _now?_"

"No need for you to worry…yet!" growled the Uruk with an evil chuckle.

"Don't you guys love making us worried?" asked Calvin.

There was a pause, as the Uruk tried to process this idea. There was no command saying he _couldn't _tell the prisoner where they were headed, and he _did _enjoy tormenting others. He opened his mouth…

"And anyway, even if you don't tell me, I've got a live tiger who would kill you as soon as look at you, and you do _not_ want me whistling for him, do you?"

"A…tiger?" asked the Uruk slowly. He had never heard of such a creature.

"What, are you stupid? You should know what a tiger is!"

There was no way that a Uruk-hai could look stupid in front of a prisoner. Ever. It could give the enemy an unwelcome morale boost and therefore give him a slight advantage. The Uruk knew he had to lie his way out of this one. "Nobody calls _me _stupid!" he snarled, "Of course I know what a tiger is, and whether you have one or not, you're going to regret that little comment the second I can put you down!"

"But for now, you have to enjoy the pleasure of carrying me on your back! Won't that be fun?" asked Calvin sweetly, as he continued swinging his legs back and kicking the Uruk repeatedly.

"Nareik!" shouted a rough, angry voice, "Why are you talking to the prisoner?" The rest of the army had stopped and were staring at the unfortunate Uruk-hai as their leader came forward.

"He's distracting me, Ugluk!" snarled Nareik, "He'd do the same to you if you were the one carrying him!"

Ugluk walked calmly over to Calvin and raised a powerful hand to strike him. Merry and Pippin winced in horror, but Calvin began crying before Ugluk made another move. "I wanna go home!!" he bawled, "I didn't do anything! I was just waking up when this creepy guy started threatening me, and said if I didn't do what he told me to, he'd tell tales to his leader and get me in even more trouble!"

Ugluk stared at Calvin, who continued to sob, and then struck Nareik. "You may not like it!" he growled, "But the Master wants us to keep these halflings alive! So forgive me if I don't enjoy your little games. I _will_ enjoy escorting you to our Master to explain why you failed us!"

Nareik opened his mouth to protest, but Ugluk had already gone back to the head of the group. He gnashed his teeth furiously and continued running with the rest of the army. Calvin, who had stopped crying, turned to Merry and Pippin and winked.

* * *

Night fell, and Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and Hobbes needed to decide whether to continue or not. Gimli was all for sleeping, and argued that they would never be able to see in the dark. Legolas and Hobbes disagreed, assuring the group that they could find their way quite easily. As the leader, it was all up to Aragorn. "Let's stop for the night," he said finally, "We won't be much use during the day if we are too tired to run." 

"But Aragorn," protested Legolas, "I don't believe the Uruk-hai are going to stop. They have too much energy for that! If we make camp now, they might get too far away!"

"Besides," said Hobbes, "Tigers are built to run long distances for a long period of time! I can help us keep up with them!"

"Maybe you are able to, and Legolas as well, but you forget that dwarves are not as capable!" replied Gimli.

"You're suggesting that dwarves are weaker than elves?" asked Legolas with a smirk.

"That's not what I meant, and you know it!" Gimli shouted back.

"Legolas, Hobbes, I'm afraid I must agree with Gimli on this one. The two of us could never keep up with you, and we should stick together if we plan to rescue our friends," said Aragorn. Legolas nodded in agreement, but Hobbes was not content.

"We can't rescue them at all if we're sleeping!" he said, "Let me go on ahead at least. I'll keep up with them and make sure nothing goes wrong. When you catch up, you can help us."

"No," replied Aragorn, "I don't like that idea. I told you; we shouldn't split up."

"Why not?"

"We can't possibly destroy that Uruk-hai army alone. We need each other, or you'll get captured too."

"Tigers can take care of themselves; certainly without humans helping them!"

"I'm sure that you can, but not against an entire army of these creatures. I'm sorry Hobbes, but my answer stays the same."

Hobbes considered applying his usual pounce-and-run technique, but thought better of it. Instead, he agreed to stay behind and helped Gimli get out of the food. After dinner, they all drifted off to sleep, one by one, with Hobbes volunteering to cover the first watch. As soon as he was sure his friends were asleep, he bounded off into the night, his keen nose sniffing out the direction of the Uruk-hai.

* * *

"Don't you guys ever get tired?" asked Calvin, as night fell and he realized they weren't stopping. Nareik refused to answer. "I mean, don't you want a break? You were fighting this morning, and you've been running like crazy for the rest of the day! I'll be your legs are exhausted!" 

Nareik growled. "We Uruk-hai are much tougher than you think, fool!" he said, "We have been built to withstand even the most extreme conditions! We are the pride of our Master's army!"

"It's really a shame then, that you've been reduced to a pack animal that gets kicked in the back every five seconds," said Calvin with an evil smile, giving Nareik another kick for good measure.

"Don't keep talking to him Calvin!" hissed Pippin, "You'll make them angry!" Merry nodded fervently in agreement.

"Merry, Pippin, I don't think you understand my policy of life," sighed Calvin, "If I'm to remain a helpless prisoner, I want to enjoy the experience as much as possible!"

"That will all end when you reach Isengard!" threatened Nareik.

"_Isengard?_" cried Merry in horror.

"Where's that again?" asked Calvin.

"It's where Saruman lives," explained Merry, "Don't you remember?"

"Oh yeah, now I do," said Calvin slowly, "But why are you taking us there?"

"Don't pretend you don't know!" sneered Nareik, "You have something that our Master wants very badly!"

"You mean the Ring?" asked Pippin without thinking.

"_Pippin!_" shouted Merry and Calvin.

"It doesn't matter," said Nariek, who didn't see what was so important about some ring, "Once we get you to Isengard, our Master will convince you to help him however he sees fit!"

"Ok," said Calvin, "But for now, I can enjoy a nice, long, _nap!_" He closed his eyes and sighed deeply. "It sure is nice to be able to sleep whenever you want, right guys?"

Hiding a smile, Pippin said, "Yes, I agree! After all that fighting this morning, I definitely need a break!"

"Me too!" said Merry loudly. Around them, several of the Uruks groaned inwardly. A few seconds ago, they weren't at all tired. But now that the subject was brought up in such a tantalizing way, they were beginning to notice just how much their legs ached.

"Good night Merry! Good night Pippin!" called Calvin, "Enjoy your _rest!_"

"I certainly will!" replied Pippin, "We'll probably need it for the _long journey_ ahead!" Nareik and the nearby Uruks desperately tried to block out what was being said, but it did no good. Within a few minutes, the complaints began to surface among them, and soon it reached their leader.

"_No!_" shouted Ugluk firmly, "_We are NOT stopping for the night!_ Have you lost your strength, you _goblins?_" The others shuddered and growled at being compared to a mere goblin! "Yes," snarled Ugluk, "I will say you are goblins if you continue to attack so weak! Where's the might that was promised to me by our Master?"

"The Master never promised you anything!" another Uruk, Blagdak, retorted, "He put Lurtz in command!"

"Who put _you_ in command, anyway?" asked Yekcim, the one carrying Merry.

"I was second-in-command to Lurtz, you dunce!" shouted Ugluk, "And as I'm in charge, I say we do not stop until we reach the tower of Orthanc! Now keep moving!" His soldiers did not hide their fury of being driven along like slaves, but they did as they were told. Then a small voice could be heard throughout their ranks…

"This will probably be the longest sleep I've had in years! And it's all thanks to the free ride you excellent Uruk-hai have provided me with!"

This was the final straw for Nareik, who roared and attempted to shake Calvin off his back! Ugluk was their in a flash, shouting and punishing the Uruk, while Calvin hid a smug grin. Merry and Pippin did the same!

* * *

When Aragorn first woke up, he stepped over his sleeping companions to get a clear view of the sunrise. As soon as they had eaten breakfast, they would continue their search for Calvin, Merry, and Pippin. He decided to wake up his friends now, because Hobbes would want to start out almost immediately. He turned around, and almost jumped out of his skin! 

Hobbes was gone! Legolas was still there, and Gimli, who was snoring loudly, but no Hobbes. Aragorn wanted to smack himself. He should've realized immediately, when no one woke him up to start his shift for night watch. He dropped to his knees and quickly found tiger tracks leading away from the camp. It looked like they had been made hours before. _Wonderful_, thought Aragorn with a groan. He woke Legolas and Gimli, and after a quick breakfast they began their chase after Hobbes.

Hobbes had been running all night with no sign of stopping, and he grew excited as the Uruk tracks looked fresher. As he ran underneath a small, rocky ledge, he saw something on the ground, glimmering in the sun. It was a metal leaf, used to clasp together one of the elven cloaks given to them in Lothlorien. There weren't any others around, and Hobbes still had his, so it could only mean one thing: one of his friends had dropped it on purpose. "Thanks, guys," he said out loud, before continuing.

However, as the sun began to set, Hobbes was worn out. He was getting close to the Uruk-hai army; he could tell. But not even a tiger can run for two days without stopping. He decided to rest for a while and find something to eat before continuing. He slept for five hours, and then woke up as a strong smell blew past him. He recognized it immediately: somewhere nearby was a large group of orcs!

Pulling on his elven cloak so that he was all but invisible, Hobbes crept toward the scent, and toward the Uruk-hai camp.

* * *

"Are they going to feed us at all?" demanded Calvin, as he, Merry, and Pippin lay in the grass on the outskirts of the camp, "I'm starving!" 

"I don't know, but I'm glad we finally stopped," whispered Pippin, "I would never have told them, but that run was exhausting."

"Ok," said Calvin, "So how are we going to escape?"

"Do you still have your Transmogrifier?" asked Merry.

"Yeah, it's in my pocket, but I can't get it," replied Calvin.

"Maybe I can reach it," said Merry. Their hands were tied, but the hobbit could still make his way over to Calvin's cloak and started tugging at it. Pippin anxiously raised his head and kept a lookout for any Uruk-hai that might look their way.

"Got it!" whispered Merry in triumph, about a minute later. "Now what?"

"Well, if we weren't tied up, I'd blast that army and turn them all into worms," said Calvin.

"But we are tied up," said Pippin.

"Gee, I didn't notice! Thanks for pointing that out!" said Calvin, rolling his eyes.

Meanwhile, the Uruk-hai started complaining to Ugluk again: they wanted to eat fresh meat, but they didn't have any. It didn't help that they'd recently been joined by a troop of orcs who now wanted the same thing. Calvin didn't realize what hungry, impatient Uruk-hai could be like, so he took this as the initiative to start driving them crazy again. "Boy, did I ever tell you guys about Thanksgiving?" he asked Merry and Pippin loudly.

"What's that?" asked Pippin.

"Guys…no!" Merry whispered, but no one paid any attention to him.

"It's a holiday we celebrate at home," continued Calvin, "And ever year we eat a HUGE turkey, dripping with fat and grease, and full of the most tender meat you could ever taste!"

The Uruks' mouths started watering.

"That sounds delicious!" said Pippin.

"It gets even better!" said Calvin, "We also eat smoked ham! When cooked just right, it tastes delicious! And then we eat mashed potatoes with butter on top, stuffing, and oh yeah, the pumpkin pie! And then Christmas comes a month later, and we eat even MORE turkey and ham! It's all nice and juicy and tender…mmmmmmm!"

"Calvin, stop!" hissed Merry frantically. He was staring at the entire Uruk-hai army- and they were all staring back, with hungry eyes and glistening teeth.

"You know," said an orc amongst them, "There _is_ some meat in the area after all..."

"Darn!" muttered Calvin, "It didn't work!"

"Oh it worked all right," said Merry, pointing to the army.

Calvin looked, and for the first time, he understood what he was actually doing. "Unfortunately," he said, chuckling weakly, "All that turkey and ham's been digested for a long time now…and we haven't eaten anything good in days…even weeks…so there's really nothing juicy or tender about _us_…"

"They certainly look fresh!" said the orc, and the others around him laughed.

"Well, appearances aren't everything!" insisted Calvin, "I'm sure if you took a bite, you'd know what I'm talking about."

"With pleasure!" cried the orc, stepping forward. Calvin screamed and rolled aside, but he was saved by some unexpected help.

Ugluk had noticed what was going on and stepped between them. "They are not for eating!" he snarled warningly.

But now the Uruk-hai and orcs were getting rowdier. One, Grimnashk, stepped up to get a better look at the prisoners. "What about their legs?" he asked in a malicious voice, "They don't need those!"

"Um, I need mine!" squeaked Calvin, "What else am I going to use for kicking?"

"Eat them. Now," said Nareik, whose back was still aching.

"_No!_" insisted Ugluk, "We have specific orders from our Master…"

"…that we should all starve? I'm hungry for meat- right _now!_" shouted Nareik, raising his sword.

"I'll teach _you_ not to question my authority!" yelled Ugluk, pushing him back.

"Yeah, get him!" Calvin cheered, when he heard something moving behind him. It was an orc with his sword raised! "HELP!" screamed Calvin, "HE'S GOING TO EAT US!"

Ugluk whirled around in a fury. "Noisy little…" was all the orc managed to get out before he was sliced up.

"Looks like meat's back on the menu boys!" announced Ugluk, and they all dug in, pushing Calvin, Merry, and Pippin aside without a second thought.

"I'm glad _that's_ over!" said Calvin.

"Quick, let's crawl out of here while they're eating!" whispered Pippin. His friends dutifully followed him toward safety, when something big jumped out at them!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!" screamed Calvin.

"Shut up!" whispered Hobbes, but it was too late, the Uruk-hai had spotted him! They were just about to attack, when an army on horseback came out of the nearby forest and ambushed them!

"Neat," said Calvin, watching the battle. "Did you hire these guys, Hobbes?"

"No," said Hobbes, "That was just good luck. C'mon, let's get out of here. We'll probably be safer in there." He pointed to the forest, and after maneuvering around the clashing armies, they headed deep into the trees and out of sight.


	15. Poetry Contest

Disclaimer: I don't own Calvin and Hobbes or the Lord of the Rings. Treebeard's poem is from The Two Towers movie. (It's also in the book, but I'm using the movie version since that's where Calvin is now.)

Chapter 15: Poetry Contest

The four friends raced through the forest, every now and then checking to make sure no one was following them. Finally, Hobbes told them they'd better stop. "We need to wait for Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli," he explained, "They've been trying to find you too."

"We know," said Merry, "That's why Pippin bit off the clasp of his elven cloak. He figured one of you would find it."

"Look," said Calvin, "I know what those Uruk-hai are like, ok? Once they kill all the men on horses, they'll come looking for us! So we can stop when I say so, got it?"

"I forgot what a joy you are to have around," muttered Hobbes, rolling his eyes. "Fine, we'll keep going. But we need to stop at some point so we don't get lost."

"I hate to tell you this, Hobbes, but I think we're pretty lost already!" said Pippin anxiously. They all looked around. Sure enough, the forest looked dark and confusing, and it was impossible to tell where the entrance was.

"Uh-oh," said Hobbes, "Now what?"

"I say we climb up here for the night," said Calvin, pointing to a huge tree, "No Uruk's going to think to look up _here_."

"You're right," said Hobbes. He leapt up to a huge branch with ease and made himself comfortable. Merry and Pippin were fairly good climbers and made their way up with Calvin.

"Perfect!" said Calvin triumphantly, "No one will ever see us up here!" At that very moment, a pair of huge green eyes appeared in the tree and stared right at him! "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" Calvin screamed. He almost fell out of the tree, but one of the huge branches, now shaped like a hand, caught him and held him up to the eyes. Merry, Pippin, and Hobbes all screamed and tried to climb down, but the branch-hand holding Calvin grabbed Hobbes' tail, and the other hand grabbed Merry and Pippin. They stared at the tree in shock and horror, and gasped when it started speaking!

"Little orcs!" it growled slowly.

"Hey, are you calling us ugly?" demanded Calvin.

The tree held him up closer to his eyes. "You look like a child," it said, "But you can't fool me! How do you explain this strange creature?" He shook Hobbes slightly.

"Easy!" cried Hobbes, "I'm not an orc; I'm a tiger!"

"A what?" asked the tree in confusion.

"Don't beat yourself up about it, we didn't know what they were either," said Merry.

"Beat myself up? Why would I want to do that?" asked the tree slowly. Then its face shifted into a glare, "Only orcs suggest doing harm to others and themselves!"

"But we're not orcs!" protested Calvin, "Where'd you ever get _that_ idea? I'm just a kid, Hobbes is a tiger, and Merry and Pippin are hobbits!"

"I've never heard of tigers or hobbits," replied the tree.

"Ok tree, you obviously need to see more of the world, but don't take it out on us!" begged Calvin, "Just put us down!"

"I am no tree!" it growled, "I am an Ent! You may call me Treebeard."

"See? I've never heard of Ents, but that doesn't make _you_ an orc, does it?" asked Calvin.

"How can you not have heard of Ents?" asked Treebeard in confusion.

"We're not from around here, ok? Now put us down!" While all this was being said, Treebeard had lifted giant legs out of the ground and was taking them deeper into the forest.

"I will not be bought by the lies of orcs…"

"Are you even listening to what I'm saying…?"

"…so I am taking you to the White Wizard. He can tell me who you truly are."

"Great," said Calvin, "Hurry up!"

"Calvin, are you crazy?" hissed Hobbes, "The White Wizard's Saruman!"

"That guy that the Uruk-hai were taking us to?" asked Calvin in horror, "This tree must be here to finish the job!" With that, he began struggling like a maniac, but Treebeard only tightened his grip, making Calvin's efforts useless. Before the four of them knew what was happening, they were dropped to the ground at the feet of a man in glowing white robes! Calvin looked up, expecting to finally see Saruman. But what he saw shocked him more badly than anything else he had seen so far in Middle Earth.

"_Gandalf?_" he gasped, "What are _you _doing here? Aren't you dead?!"

But it was Gandalf! He looked older, with a dazzling white beard instead of gray, but it was still him. He also had a new staff, instead of the ancient-looking wooden stick, he now had an elegant white staff that seemed to brim with white light! In fact, it was so bright that Calvin, Hobbes, Merry, and Pippin had to shield their eyes from it.

"Hello, all of you," he said, "I see you've met Treebeard."

"Do you know them?" asked Treebeard in surprise.

"Yes I do," said Gandalf, "I'd like you to take good care of them Treebeard. At least until the time is right to retrieve them."

"Of course," replied Treebeard.

"Hey!" said Calvin, "Why aren't you dead?"

"I was sent back," replied Gandalf, "My task isn't finished yet. Enough of your questions now, you need to attend the Entmoot."

"Hmmmm," said Treebeard, "Well…it's out of our usual proceedings to have children and animals attend such a meeting…" He looked as though he didn't quite know what to do, but Gandalf cut off his thoughts with a stern look. "Very well, Master Gandalf," he said, "I will take them with me."

"But what about Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli?" asked Hobbes, "We were supposed to meet them!"

"I will inform them of what has happened," replied Gandalf, "Now go!"

"But Gandalf…" Pippin started to say, but the wizard was gone. "Won't we see him again?" he wondered sadly, "He could have at least said he was glad to see us!"

"I've no doubt we will," said Treebeard, "These wizarding folk can be strange, but I trust him. I also apologize for my suspicions before."

"No problem," said Hobbes, "Any enemy of an orc is a friend of ours!"

"Then we should get along splendidly," said Treebeard, "Let's be off!"

"What exactly is an Entmoot?" asked Merry as they went along, now riding on Treebeard's branches.

"It's a meeting between the Ents," said Treebeard, "Strange, evil things have been happening, and we need to discuss it as soon as possible."

"When will we get there?" asked Hobbes.

"Very soon. It will only take a few days," replied Treebeard.

"A few _days?_" exclaimed Calvin, "That's not very soon! That's a long trip!"

"Ents are a slow-moving people," explained Treebeard, "We find that we make the best decisions when we think them out as thoroughly as possible. And when you have lived for as long as I have, you will find that a few days are almost no time at all."

For a long time, they traded stories about who they were and where they had come from. Treebeard gave up trying to understand all the different things about Calvin and Hobbes' home, although they seemed to have an easier time understanding his life. It was fairly simple: he took care of the many trees and plants in the forest, without stopping. The only time he didn't do this was when there was an Entmoot. It sounded boring, but the trees could sometimes get active, and there was always a rogue orc wandering around that needed to be crushed. Treebeard was very proud of his job and performed it as best as he possibly could.

Finally, Treebeard mentioned how much he enjoyed composing and reciting poetry, as did the other Ents, and it seemed that he and Calvin had found some common ground. "I'm a great poet!" he bragged, "What about you?"

"Well…I don't pretend to be an expert…"

"Who's better, you or me?"

"Here we go again," muttered Hobbes, rolling his eyes.

"I…I have no idea," replied Treebeard, "I have never heard a poem of yours before."

"Let's have a contest," said Calvin immediately, "I made up a poem recently about fighting those Ringwraiths a while ago. I'll recite it, and then you recite one of yours! Then we'll see who's better!"

"That sounds fine to me," said Treebeard, after a few minutes' thought. "You may start first."

Calvin cleared his throat and began:

"_Nobody could doubt,_

_The situation was bad!_

_Hobbes was ill,_

_And the Ringwraiths were mad!_

_But Calvin the Bold_

_Jumped onto his box,_

"_I'll handle this!" he said,_

"_Just you watch!"_

_His friends did stare_

_In wonder and awe,_

_As Calvin took his weapon_

_And grabbed Hobbes' paw!_

_They flew up in the air,_

_And watched overhead,_

_As the elven girl Arwen,_

_Took Frodo and fled!_

_The Ringwraiths gave chase!_

_But they failed to be wise,_

_As Calvin approached,_

_And took them all by surprise!_

"_Beware, you morons!"_

_He said, reasonably smug._

_Then he drew his Transmogrifier,_

_And turned them all into slugs!_

_But one did escape!_

_He met Arwen at the beach!_

_Until a Tyrannosaurus ate him_

_With a horrifying screech!_

_The beast was a pet,_

_Of Calvin's of course._

_A terrifying monster…_"

"_Though his master was worse!_" added Hobbes. Calvin gave him a glare and continued the poem.

"_As soon as he arrived,_

_The beast became still._

_He left the scene,_

_To do his master's will._

_The Enemy was gone!_

_His tiger was saved!_

_The good elves of Rivendell_

_Showered Calvin with praise!_"

"_Until they all realized,_" added Hobbes,

"_Something was wrong._

_There was more to Calvin's story,_

_Then he would let on!_

_It was all thanks to HOBBES_

_That the enemy was slain,_

_Though sick in that box,_

_He steadied Calvin's aim!_

_It did not take long._

_This soon came to light._

_And all the good elves_

_Became filled with delight!_

_They feasted and sang,_

_And of course the elf babes,_

_Came up to this tiger_

_And cried, "Hobbes, you're so BRAVE!_"

"_But Hobbes insulted them,_" snarled Calvin,

"_Or he knew he'd be toast,_

_Since associating with girls_

_Is a crime against G.R.O.S.S!_"

"_Hobbes didn't care._

_He ignored what was said._

_No tiger would listen_

_To that little hot-head!_"

"_Calvin pounced Hobbes,_

_As he raged and he seethed…_"

"_The only part of the story,_

_That you can believe!_" finished Merry.

"HEY!" shouted Calvin, "It's Hobbes' fault, he kept interrupting and ruining it!"

"That was…different, from what I normally hear," said Treebeard slowly, "But nonetheless, it was interesting."

"So I guess that means I win?" asked Calvin smugly.

"By no means!" replied Treebeard, "Allow me to introduce you to some _real_ poetry. The _classical_ type…"

"Oh boy," said Calvin, "Nap time!"

"There's no call to be rude," reprimanded Treebeard. He cleared his throat and began:

"_Beneath the roof of sleeping leaves,_

_The dreams of trees unfold;_

_When woodland halls are green and cool,_

_And the wind is in the West,_

_Come back to me! Come back to me,_

_And say my land is best!_"

"Ok, I've heard enough!" interrupted Calvin, "This poem is stupid."

Treebeard's leaves quivered with rage. "It is a beautiful Elvish…"

"Wait a second," said Calvin, "It's an Elvish poem?"

"Yes."

"It's not even yours?"

"I don't understand what you mean."

"You were supposed to make up your own poem! You can't recite one you've heard before! Do you have your own?"

"Oh," said Treebeard. After several minutes, he said slowly, "I apologize. I did not understand the rules."

"Fine," said Calvin, "Can you make up your own?"

"Now?" asked Treebeard, "I can't possible compose a poem now! I need years before I can finish one properly."

"Does this mean I win?" asked Calvin eagerly.

"Well…I don't know…"

"HA! I WIN!" Calvin shouted gleefully, his voice ringing through the forest. Hobbes rolled his eyes.

_It's going to be a long journey!_ he thought.


	16. The Entmoot

Disclaimer: I don't own Calvin and Hobbes or the Lord of the Rings.

A/N: I'm very sorry that I haven't updated in a while, but my computer wouldn't let me load the document. Now it's finally working!

Chapter 16: The Entmoot

The palantir was a large black ball that Saruman used to communicate with the evil lord Sauron, and at the same time, catch glimpses of what his foes were doing throughout Middle Earth. For the past few days, he had not liked what he'd seen or reported.

"I asked you to build me an army worthy of Mordor!" hissed Sauron from his tower of Barad-dur, "They're letting that child walk all over them!"

"I assure you, they aren't normally like that at all!" protested Saruman angrily, "I did my best work when I created them…"

"Obviously, your best isn't good enough!" snapped Sauron, as his eye watched Calvin taunt the Uruk-hai. Saruman watched too, from his palantir. He was growing angrier by the second.

"Once they reach Isengard," he snarled, "I promise you'll be seeing a much different story!"

That threat turned out to be an empty one, since Calvin, Merry, and Pippin escaped the next night with Hobbes, and the entire Uruk-hai army was killed in battle. Sauron informed Saruman that he wasn't pleased and would punish him severely if he didn't redeem himself soon.

"Oh, I will redeem myself," Saruman said to himself, chuckling softly and watching over the balcony of his own tower. Far below, hundreds of Uruk-hai were being created each day, all fully grown and ready for battle. "Just wait, boy," he muttered.

* * *

Calvin, of course, never heard the warning, and wouldn't have cared if he had. Instead, he woke up to a beautiful sunny day, deep in the forest. Hobbes, Merry, and Pippin were already awake, but Treebeard was gone. "Hey, where'd he go?" asked Calvin.

"We don't know," replied Hobbes with a shrug, "Hopefully he went to get breakfast. I'm hungry!"

"You're always hungry," remarked Calvin, rolling his eyes.

"Would you like to satisfy my appetite?" growled Hobbes as he popped out his claws again.

Merry quickly interceded before yet another fight began. "Maybe we should look for Treebeard," he suggested.

"Why? We'd just get lost," replied Calvin, "Besides, I kind of like it here." They were in a small enclosure surrounded by trees. Nearby was a small stream flowing calmly. Between that, the cool air, and the sound of birds singing, the atmosphere was very peaceful.

"I like it too," said Hobbes, "But you don't need to worry about getting lost! Tigers are born with a sense of direction, and besides, I can smell Treebeard out."

"No you can't!" argued Calvin.

"Yes I can! How would you know what I can or can't do?"

"Only dogs can smell out people, you idiot!"

"That doesn't mean tigers can't. And I might add, we aren't looking for any _people_, we're looking for an Ent!"

"Ha ha," replied Calvin.

"Treebeard will be back," said Pippin, "Whatever he's doing must be very important, so I think we should stay here."

"I agree," said Merry.

Calvin shook his head in a pitiful manner. "You guys are no fun," he said, "If Hobbes says he can find Treebeard, then I'm sure he can do it! Come on, I want to explore the forest!"

In the end, they managed to wear down Merry and Pippin, who agreed to go. For a long time, they followed Hobbes as he sniffed out the ground, searching for a trail. They had just started to feel better about the situation when their tiger friend stopped dead in his tracks. "Sorry guys," he said sheepishly, "It's no good."

"What's that supposed to mean?" everyone demanded unanimously.

"I've been all over this forest looking for Treebeard, but I can't find his smell."

"_What?!_" cried Calvin, "I thought you said you could!"

"I could, but this whole place smells like trees! How am I supposed to know which one is the one we want to follow?"

"So you've just been wandering around in this forest for an hour?!" asked Merry in shock.

"Well," mumbled Hobbes, "Maybe not quite an _hour…_"

"Unbelievable!" groaned Calvin, "We're lost! Now we'll never find Treebeard, and Gandalf will kill us!"

"That's if we get out of this forest alive," corrected Pippin.

"I'm glad someone here is feeling confident," muttered Calvin.

They walked for several _more_ hours, until Calvin collapsed and started complaining loudly that he couldn't go on. Hobbes told him to get up, but he was outvoted by Merry and Pippin, who were getting tired themselves. They slumped against a large oak tree and thought about what to do next.

"It's a shame," remarked Hobbes, "I was looking forward to watching a bunch of trees argue about the fate of the world."

"Yeah," said Calvin, "Maybe they'll get into shouting matches the way those law guys do on TV!"

"Calvin, you know none of that stuff really happens, right?"

"Yeah, but it's fun to think that the world is constantly being threatened by evil governments with a hidden agenda."

Hobbes shook his head. Calvin was hopeless. "Well, judging from Treebeard's behavior, I doubt that the trees are going to do anything more then talk it out."

"You mean, like a civilized _debate?_ But those are boring!" protested Calvin.

"Well, that's what it looks like to me."

"Hmph. I'm _glad_ we got lost!"

"Suit yourself," said Hobbes, "What about you guys?" He turned to look at Merry and Pippin, but they were gone! "Hey, where'd they go?" he asked in confusion.

"Merry? Pippin?" called Calvin loudly. No answer. "Some friends _they_ are!" he said angrily.

Suddenly, Hobbes let out a terrified scream and jumped back. "There's a dead body sticking out of the tree!" he cried.

"Really? Cool!" exclaimed Calvin. He went to examine where Hobbes was pointing with a shaking paw, and saw two hairy feet sticking out from underneath the roots of the tree where they'd just been lying. Then he noticed something else. "Wait Hobbes," he said, "There are _two_ dead bodies buried here!" He pointed to another pair of feet.

"Terrific," groaned Hobbes, who was trying to pull himself together. He was failing miserably. "What…what do you think we should do?"

"Let's pull them out!" said Calvin eagerly, "Maybe we'll solve a murder mystery!" He grabbed the first pair of feet and pulled hard, but the body wouldn't budge. "Hobbes, give me a hand, will ya?"

"No thank you!" replied Hobbes, who was standing as far back as possible.

"Sissy," muttered Calvin. He pulled harder, but nothing happened. Suddenly, he heard a muffled cry come from inside the roots. Now Calvin was the one screaming and jumping back! "It's alive!" he screamed.

"Wait a minute!" cried Hobbes in horror, "Who do we know with furry feet?"

"You?"

"Furry, _human_ feet!"

"Uh…uh…" Calvin thought hard, but he didn't typically stare at people's feet. No one came to mind. "I give up. Who?"

"Don't…don't hobbits have furry feet?" asked Hobbes shakily.

It took a few seconds for that to sink into Calvin's mind. "Wait!" he yelped, "MERRY AND PIPPIN!"

"Exactly!" replied Hobbes, looking and feeling just as panic-stricken.

"HELP!" screamed Calvin, running around frantically in circles, "OUR FRIENDS HAVE BEEN EATEN BY A TREE!"

That set Hobbes off as well. "I WANT TO GO HOME!"

"I HATE THIS STUPID MAN-EATING FOREST!

"_There_ you are!" cried a different voice. It was Treebeard! He picked them both up and held them up to his face again. "Where have you all been? I've been looking everywhere for you! And where are the little hobbits?"

"The tree ate them!" cried Hobbes, pointing to where they had all been lying.

"Not to worry, I shall fix this," replied Treebeard soothingly. He placed them back on the ground and began rebuking the tree. Suddenly, the roots opened up and Merry and Pippin came tumbling out, gasping for air.

"You're alive!" cried Calvin and Hobbes, racing over to their friends to share a group hug.

"Geez you guys," said Calvin, after they had brushed themselves off, "What kind of person lets himself get swallowed up by a tree?"

"I was listening to you," said Pippin, "So I didn't realize its roots were sneaking up on me until it was too late. I tried calling for help, but you were both so wrapped up in your conversation that you must not have heard me." Merry told them it had been the same case with him.

"Sorry about that," said Calvin sheepishly.

"But you know, you don't _have_ to listen to him when he talks," said Hobbes with a wink, "Just tune him out, and he never notices the difference. I do it all the time!"

Calvin leapt at him, but Treebeard picked the four of them up and placed them on his shoulder. After that they had no choice but to stop fighting, for the time being.

"So, where were you?" asked Calvin as they continued their journey.

"I was gathering some of my fellow Ents, to alert them about the upcoming Entmoot. Where did you go?"

"Sherlock here thought he could find where you went," grumbled Calvin.

"Instead he got us hopelessly lost and almost killed," added Merry.

"Shut up guys!" said Hobbes.

Treebeard was unperturbed by all of this, as usual. "Well, at least you are all unharmed," he said calmly, "That is good."

They traveled for several more days, with nothing major occurring until they got to a small clearing with a stone sticking out of the center. "Why are we stopping?" asked Calvin.

"We've arrived," replied Treebeard simply.

"This is it?" asked Merry excitedly. His question was answered when they heard many loud, eerie, creaking sounds. It was the sound of many Ents speaking in their own language, as they slowly made their way forward. They didn't all look like Treebeard. Instead, they each looked like the type of tree they represented.

"Beech, oak, chestnut, ash…" Treebeard observed, "Good, good. Many have come."

"So what do we do now?" asked Calvin, "Are we going to attack Saruman?"

"No," replied Treebeard, "We must decide whether we should attack Saruman or not."

"Oh," said Calvin, "That won't take very long."

"Don't be so sure," said Treebeard warningly.

* * *

"I…am…BORED!" howled Calvin five hours later. He'd said that about a thousand times already, and the Ents were getting extremely frustrated to have their important meeting interrupted constantly. One of them in particular, a young chestnut Ent, actually left the circle and had his foot raised over Calvin when Treebeard stopped him from squashing the boy flat.

"You woke me up," grumbled Hobbes.

"Oh, I'm so _sorry_ to interrupt you, I know how busy you are right now!" snapped Calvin.

"There has to be something we can do," said Pippin.

"Normally, I'd watch television, but there isn't any here." Calvin grimaced. He didn't want to think of the appalling lack of TV he'd been forced to suffer through for these past few months.

"Say, is your Transmogrifier working?" asked Merry.

"Yeah, why?" asked Calvin.

"Can I see it?" asked Merry. Calvin handed it over, failing to notice the evil grin on his friend's face.

ZAP!

A flower was swaying in the evening breeze where Calvin had been. "There," said Merry, "Now he's finally stopped complaining!" He, Pippin, and Hobbes rolled on the grass in fits of laughter, unaware of the fact that the flower was now uprooting itself and heading for the discarded Transmogrifier.

ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!

Three pigs glared at the flower as it turned back into Calvin. "Ha! Now your looks have greatly improved!"

"Do not underestimate the seriousness of the mistake you just made," said Hobbes. With loud grunts and squeals, all three pigs leapt on Calvin until Pippin managed to grasp the Transmogrifier in his trotter. With another ZAP! Calvin was a large toad.

ZAP! Pippin became small gorilla.

ZAP! Calvin became a pig himself.

ZAP! Merry was turned into turkey.

ZAP! Calvin was turned into an owl for the second time in his life.

ZAP! Hobbes became a giant slug.

ZAP! Another Ent into an orc. "Oops," said Calvin, as the orc ran around the clearing, screaming at the top of his lungs. The other Ents didn't realize what had happened, and they were all attempting to crush him.

"STOP!" shouted Pippin. The Ents halted and stared in surprise at the gorilla, the owl, the turkey, and the giant slug.

"Oh dear," said Treebeard, "Where have the little ones gotten off to this time?"

"And what are those creatures?" demanded a third Ent.

Calvin pointed the Transmogrifier at himself and turned back into his regular self. "It's just us," he replied, "And that's not really an orc." He quickly zapped the Ent, who returned to normal.

Treebeard glared down at him. "If you ever want the Entmoot to come to a decision, why must you keep interrupting us?! And do not use your magic to turn us into the very creatures we detest!"

The sight of a lot of angry Ents caused Calvin, Merry, Pippin, and Hobbes to shrivel up in fear. "Um, we're really sorry!" squeaked Calvin, "It won't happen again!"

So after five minutes of entertainment, the four of them were back to square one. "I want television!" whined Calvin.

"Wait," said Hobbes, "Why don't you just transmogrify that rock into a TV?"

"Hobbes old buddy, you're a genius!"

Fortunately for the Ents, the four of them became completely immersed in the joys of television, and for a while, the meeting was able to continue without another hitch.

At last, Treebeard approached them. Hobbes and Merry looked up eagerly; Calvin and Pippin remained glued to the screen.

"We have just agreed," said Treebeard.

There was a long pause, and Calvin barely turned his head upward. "Honestly Treebeard, I don't think we agree on anything."

"Hmm? Oh no, I meant we the Ents. We have discussed this thoroughly and come to the conclusion: you are not orcs!" He smiled, expecting them to be thrilled with the news. He couldn't have been more wrong.

"You _still_ thought we were orcs?" cried Calvin, "Do we even _look_ like orcs? I guess you don't really trust Gandalf, huh?"

"No, certainly not! I trust Gandalf very much, but the Ents are expected to know the name of every living creature, and we had never heard of hobbits or tigers. We needed to agree that such creatures actually exist."

"You guys are weirder than girls, and that's saying a lot."

Treebeard wasn't sure what "weird" meant, but decided not to ask. "Well, now we shall return to discussing what to do about Saruman."

Merry was shocked. "You mean you haven't figured that out yet? We can't waste any more time!"

"Now, don't be hasty!" replied Treebeard.

"Define 'hasty'," muttered Hobbes.

"At an Entmoot, there is no such thing as wasting time. We think and discuss things very slowly, so that we may come to the right decision!"

"But if you don't hurry, Saruman and Sauron will unleash their armies, and we'll all be dead!" protested Merry.

Treebeard grunted and turned back to the meeting. Merry glared at him and tried to restrain his rising temper.

"Everyone, be quiet," said Calvin, "The show's back on."


	17. Isengard Invasion

Disclaimer: I don't own Calvin and Hobbes or the Lord of the Rings.

A/N: The last chapter of The Two Towers! Can you believe it? This story's almost done!!

Chapter 17: Isengard Invasion!

The _Spongebob Squarepants_ marathon was just about over when Calvin heard Merry shouting. He leapt up, Transmogrifier gun at the ready, when he saw that his friend was only angry with Treebeard. "What's up?" he asked.

Hobbes rolled his eyes. "Oh, nothing important. The Ents have only finished their meeting and decided they're not going to help us. Trivial things like that."

"Huh? But I thought you were good guys!" protested Calvin, "How come you don't want to help?"

Treebeard sighed heavily. "I have tried to explain this to your friends. There is nothing we can do to help, and this war is not the Ents' concern."

"Fine!" snapped Calvin, "We don't need your help!"

"Yes we do," said Pippin.

"I'm trying to make them feel unwanted so that they'll help us Pippin, try to keep with the program."

"Sorry."

"You can't do this…" Merry began to say. He was shaking and looked between angry and despairing.

"You are young and brave Master Meriadoc," said Treebeard as kindly as possible, "But your part in this tale is over. Go back to your home."

"Hey! You can't just write us out of your stupid tale! Who put _you _in charge of the story anyway?" yelled Calvin. Treebeard applied his usual strategy to Calvin's weirdness, and simply ignored him.

"Wonder how long it will take them to say goodbye to everybody," remarked Hobbes, as the Ents went back to their circle.

Pippin chuckled, but Merry looked despondent.

"Oh well," said Calvin, noticing the expression on his face, "We didn't want their help anyway. They'd take too long deciding how to fight and the next thing they'd know, they'd be nothing but firewood!"

"But we need all the help we can get! Why don't they understand that?" asked Merry desperately, "If they don't help, they'll probably end up getting killed by Saruman's army!"

"Calvin might be right though," said Pippin, "Maybe it was meant to happen this way."

"It still feels like a waste of time," said Hobbes, "I wish there was some way we could convince them that it's their concern too."

"Draw a picture of firewood?" suggested Calvin.

"I meant something more concrete; something more realistic," replied Hobbes.

"Firewood's realistic."

"You know what I mean!"

They thought for a long time, but could come up with nothing. Another hour passed, and the Ents finished saying goodbye to each other. "Come," said Treebeard, lifting them all onto his branches, "It's time to leave." He led them back through the woods, explaining that he would drop them off at the western edge, closer to the mountains and home.

"Just as long as we're not near Saruman or his path of destruction," remarked Hobbes, thinking of all the trouble his Uruk-hai had caused them.

It was then that a genius plan struck Pippin. "Wait!" he said, "That's _exactly _where we should go!"

"_What?!_" everyone gasped.

"Yes…we need to go south…so we can slip past Saruman unnoticed! The closer we are to the danger, the farther we are from harm."

"That sounds like Calvin logic," said Hobbes nervously, "Treebeard, take us west!"

"No, it's a good idea! Trust me!" pleaded Pippin, "Don't worry Treebeard, he won't expect us to go that way, so he won't notice a thing! He's…he's probably got hundreds of Uruk-hai waiting for us in the west, because it's such an obvious route!"

"That's such a stupid plan, it just might work!" said Calvin.

"You're _both _mad!" said Merry.

Treebeard thought about it. "Perhaps they're right," he said, "South it is!"

"Please tell me you've thought this one through," whispered Hobbes.

"Oh don't worry," said Pippin, with an unusual air of confidence, "I have."

They spent the next few hours traveling, mostly, for a change, in silence. Treebeard was chatting idly about his life as an Ent, while the others were mentally preparing for what would come next. Hobbes figured it would be his job to protect his friends from possible threats, until they could hopefully meet up with Gandalf or Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli. Calvin made sure his Transmogrifier was charged before blasting off on another mental adventure with Spaceman Spiff. Pippin was trying to contain his excitement for what he knew was coming, and Merry was wondering if Pippin had lost his mind somewhere back at the Entmoot.

"_A disgruntled Spiff leaves the planet of the Vegbogs, who have proven to be an uncooperative bunch. They took a long time fixing his damaged spaceship, and they refused to help him find his way back home. Our hero decides to turn around and give the aliens a piece of his mind!_

_After successfully dodging the planet's pathetic security system, Spiff fires a few rounds into the mechanic shop…"_

Treebeard stopped in his tracks and gasped.

"I know!" said Calvin, "But that was only the beginning! He's laid waste to the Vegbogs' entire capital city!"

"Calvin, shhh!" hissed Merry.

Only then did Calvin look up and see what was going on. The forest had ended, and in the distance there was a lone black tower. They had almost reached Isengard. But Treebeard wasn't looking at the tower, yet. He was staring down at the twisted stumps that stretched out over the field. This had all been part of the forest until very recently, when the trees had been cut down and burned.

"Many of these trees were my friends," said Treebeard quietly. It hit Calvin, Hobbes, and Merry all at the same time what was going on.

"You're a genius!" whispered Hobbes to Pippin, who grinned.

"Yeah, where did that come from?" wondered Calvin out loud.

"Said the kid who failed every test in school," muttered Hobbes.

"You're the one who told me to use _imaginary numbers…_"

"Shh!" hissed Merry, "Look!"

It hadn't taken long for Treebeard to figure out who was burning all the trees. With an angry, rumbling howl, he summoned back all the Ents from the meeting. For creatures that didn't like to rush things, they were there very quickly. "Come my friends," said Treebeard as he stepped forward, "The Ents are going to war. It is likely that we go to our doom."

Calvin looked ahead at all the tiny orcs in Isengard. "Ok. Repeat that statement a little more slowly, and this time, actually listen to what you're saying!"

To Calvin's surprise, Saruman's army put up a better fight than he'd expected, brandishing torches and attempting to wrap ropes around the Ents' legs. Still, it was impossible to do this when another Ent was sure to come along and squash the orcs with ease. They also began breaking down the wall, and throwing the giant pieces of rock down on the orcs. Merry, Pippin, and Hobbes were given smaller stones to throw down. The damage they caused wasn't exactly earth-shattering, but it made them feel important.

Calvin had his own method of doing things. He had pulled out his Transmogrifier gun, fully charged, and was zapping away at as many Uruk-hai he could get in range, all with a maniacal laugh. "DIE FIENDS!" he yelled triumphantly.

For once, Treebeard didn't find his behavior strange. "Hit them with your magic!" he urged fiercely. Calvin was thrilled to hear this and took advantage of it as much as possible.

Meanwhile, Saruman was watching the battle from the balcony in his tower. This was definitely _not_ how he had pictured those miserable little hobbits arriving! "Aim for the ones over there!" he shouted down to his Uruk-hai, "The people riding that Ent!" But it was no good, and he knew it. They couldn't hear a word he was saying.

Finally, several Ents found a dam that blocked the river from flooding Isengard. Immediately they set to work breaking it apart. "Hold on!" commanded Treebeard.

Calvin wasn't listening; he was too busy zapping orcs. At that moment, the dam broke, and water came gushing through, flooding Isengard completely. There was so much of it that a huge wave came rising up over the Ents! "CALVIN, GRAB ON TO TREEBEARD!" shouted Hobbes, as he let go himself to grab his friend.

The next thing Merry and Pippin knew, their friends had been knocked off by the force of the wave and were sailing right into the doorway of Saruman's tower! "Treebeard!" called Merry, "Hurry! Calvin and Hobbes are down there!"

"I'm sorry, but I'm not setting you down until this battle is finished," replied Treebeard, who clearly hadn't heard it correctly, "Tell Calvin and Hobbes that they must wait."

"But, you don't understand…"

"I understand very well. The flood waters are too fierce for you to withstand right now. Wait until all is calm."

Merry argued while Pippin watched to see if their friends were ok. When it became clear that Treebeard was distracted and only taking in half the argument, they decided to climb down themselves. Unfortunately, this was the time that Treebeard chose _not_ to be inattentive, and grabbed them before they got halfway down.

The water calmed, leaving a dazed Calvin and Hobbes at the foot of the tower. Hobbes recovered first. "WOOHOO!" he shouted, "That was better than any time I ever pounced you!!"

"I'll say!" cried Calvin ecstatically, "Look at how far we flew! Why haven't they made rides like that at any of the water parks?"

"I guess the people who make them aren't true thrill-seekers," replied Hobbes, shaking his head.

"Yeah, we should make our own amusement park here! We'll call it 'The Ultra-Scary Park of Death and Doom'!"

"Oh good!" said Pippin, as he and Merry made their way over, "It sounds like you're ok!"

"We couldn't be better!" said Calvin happily, "You missed the greatest thrill ride ever…"

The four of them began exploring the newly conquered Isengard. Calvin wanted to go up in the tower first. He was halfway in when he noticed that two people and a tiger were missing. They were standing well back and watching him as if he were crazy. "What?!" he demanded.

"You can't go in there!" cried Pippin, "Saruman's still there!"

Calvin groaned and rolled his eyes. "Look. We won the battle. This is our place now, and there's nothing he can do about it! So let's go; I've never owned a tower before!"

"C'mon," muttered Hobbes, "Maybe we can keep him from getting us all killed."

The tower, known as Orthanc, consisted of a spiral staircase that led to a small, round chamber with several doors leading off to the sides. One led to a balcony overlooking Isengard, another to other small rooms, such as Saruman's library. But Calvin wasn't interested in any of this. He surveyed the place, declared it needed some major renovating, and told his friends they needed to go back outside. They followed, feeling very confused, but happy not to have run into Saruman.

"Ok guys, start grabbing any debris you find floating in the water, and take it up to the room," commanded Calvin.

"Um…why?" asked Hobbes.

"We're moving in, duh!" said Calvin, "And seeing as we don't have any furniture from home, we'll have to make our own."

"How?" asked Pippin. In response, Calvin held up his Transmogrifier gun.

"Calvin," began Merry anxiously, "I really don't think Saruman's going to like this…"

"Tough," said Calvin, "He lost. We conquered his land; we get his cool tower. He ought to know that."

"Where is he anyway?" asked Hobbes, "I didn't see him inside."

"Up there," replied Pippin, pointing to the very top of the tower. On the roof, surveying their surroundings, were an old man with a long white beard, and a pale, hunched-over man with stringy black hair.

"Saruman's the old creep?" asked Calvin.

"Yep."

"Just checking! Who's that creepy pale guy next to him?"

"I have no idea," replied Pippin.

"Ok, now I know things are back to normal!"

After a while, Saruman decided he didn't want to watch the Ents' destruction anymore. It was just too painful for him. So he snapped at his servant, Grima Wormtongue, and together they descended to the main chamber. There they found chaos.

Hobbes, Merry, and Pippin had decided to do what Calvin told them to do in an effort to keep him from hounding them about it. Rocks, burnt metal, and pieces of wood were scattered throughout the room! "Ok!" called Calvin cheerfully, "That's enough!"

"Wha…what are you _doing?_" hissed Saruman in rage.

"We're moving in," replied Calvin calmly, "Sorry about that. But if you need a place to stay, my old room is always free. Just watch out for Mom, Dad, my babysitter Rosalyn, Susie…"

"I'm staying right here!" snarled Saruman.

Calvin blinked. "No you're not."

"Yes I am!"

"Oh all right. If you feel that strongly about it, you can stay on as my personal slave."

That did it. Saruman raised his staff and took a step towards them. "I no longer see the need to keep any of you alive!"

Hobbes gulped. "If you need reasons, I can give you a lot!"

"I'm not interested."

"Look, can you move over?" snapped Calvin, "I still have to make the sofa, the cable TV, and the refrigerator, among other things!"

"That's the least of your worries now!" chuckled Saruman, as he held his staff up even higher, "Farewell!"

Calvin sighed, raised his Transmogrifier, and fired. An earthworm was soon wriggling around on the floor where Saruman had been. His friends bent down to see it. "No slugs?" asked Pippin.

"Nah, that was getting repetitive." With that, he went over and squashed the worm. "Just in case he used his wizard powers to come back." Then he looked over at the pale, terrified man huddled in a corner. "Who are you?"

"I…I'm Grima. Grima…W-Wormtongue."

"Hi Grima Wormtongue! Would you like to stay out of the way while we spruce up this tower, or would you like to actually have a worm tongue?"

"Do worms even have tongues?" asked Hobbes.

"Who cares? What'll it be, Grima?"

He nodded quickly. "I'll do whatever you wish."

"Great! And now that Saruman's gone, the position for my personal slave is vacant. Would you like that job?"

Grima shrugged. It couldn't be any worse that working for Saruman. Or could it?


	18. Karaoke Party at Edoras

Disclaimer: I don't own Calvin and Hobbes or the Lord of the Rings. I also don't own the Black-Eyed Peas, Guns and Roses, or any of the songs used in this chapter.

Also, the exchange between Gandalf and Calvin, when Gandalf asks if he really defeated Saruman, was written by another user, Ghost in the Machine! Thanks for letting me use it!

Chapter 18: Karaoke Party at Edoras

The day was just beginning as Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Gandalf, and a small group of soldiers made their way through the woods to Isengard. Everyone except Gandalf was shocked by what they saw. There were now Ents everywhere, hard at work cleaning up the wreckage from the battle. "What on earth's been going on?" wondered Aragorn out loud.

"We're about to find out," replied Gandalf. Treebeard was making his way over to them.

"Young Master Gandalf," he said, "I'm very glad you've come."

"Where is Saruman, Treebeard?" asked Gandalf.

"He…" Treebeard paused, "I…I don't know exactly…"

"What do you mean?" Gandalf demanded quickly, "Has he escaped?"

"It appears that way; I have not seen him. Yet…Calvin claims that he used his magic to turn him into a worm, and then crushed him!"

"_What?!_" everyone gasped.

"He just doesn't want to admit that he's helped him escape somehow!" said Gimli.

"Let's hope that's not the case," replied Gandalf grimly, "Where is Calvin now, Treebeard?"

"Up in the tower, I believe," said Treebeard, "He and the others haven't come out in days. Only this stranger comes out occasionally and brings up barrels of food and drink."

The others looked at Gandalf in confusion. "I have no idea what that means," he said, "I suggest we go into the tower, and stay alert!" So they all dismounted their horses and carefully waded through the still-remaining flood water to the tower. As they mounted the steps, they began to hear muffled noises coming from higher up. Puzzled, they continued climbing as the noise grew louder. Eventually they realized it was a mix of very loud music and wild laughter. Soon they were able to distinguish some of the words of the song: "_Let's get it started in here…_"

"Calvin?" It was Hobbes' voice. "You do know this song was in style years ago, right?"

"_I_ like it!" cried Pippin. There was a sudden crash and he laughed; it sounded as if he'd banged into something.

"Hey, it's not my fault we have a crummy DJ!" shouted Calvin, "Slave! You heard my friend, put on something different!"

A whiny voice answered, "It's not my fault! I don't even know what a DJ is! You gave me this equipment and told me to press these buttons; that's the only thing I know how to do!"

"You'd think that _some_ people would get the hang of it after a few days…"

There was a pause, and then, "But wait…what's a black-eyed pea?"

"That's the name of the band, you moron!"

"Well excuse me sir, but it's a stupid name if you ask me!"

"But no one's asking you, slave!"

"And stop calling me 'slave'!"

"Nope. Sorry, slave." Merry and Pippin laughed loudly. "You know, I'm the last person to say this, but you guys might want to lay off on all that tobacco," said Calvin.

"It's Longbottom Leaf!" corrected Merry, chuckling.

Gandalf chose this moment to enter the room, and cleared his throat loudly. His eyes widened. Saruman's chambers had been turned inside out! There was a gigantic TV screen on one wall playing some cartoon, and underneath it was banquet table filled with food and drink. On the other side, there was a giant stereo with a karaoke machine, where Wormtongue was playing various songs as loud as possible. The wizard's library had turned into an arcade, and they had changed the bedroom around to suit their own strange tastes. The only thing that looked the same was Saruman's throne, but Saruman no longer sat there: he'd been replaced by Calvin.

As soon as Calvin heard Gandalf, he jumped up. "Oh, hi!" he called, eagerly awaiting the praise that was sure to come.

But it didn't. "Calvin!" gasped Gandalf, "What on earth have you done?" For the first time, he looked truly stunned.

"The Ents took over Isengard, and I got rid of the old creep who lived here! I redecorated the place a little bit, do you like it?"

"_You_ defeated Saruman the White?" asked Gandalf incredulously.

"How come nobody believes me when I say that?"

"Well," said Legolas, "He's an ancient wizard, and you're six years old!"

"I've got proof; I have his remains!" protested Calvin, "Wanna see them?"

"NO!" the others shouted. Calvin, of course, paid no attention. Instead, he went over to get a jar. Inside was a squashed, dead worm.

"See?" said Calvin proudly, "Here he is!"

"That's _Saruman?_" asked Gimli skeptically.

"Of course it's Saruman! What does it look like?"

"A worm."

"Maybe now, but I had to transmogrify him so I could squish him. If I turned him back into a human…" Suddenly Calvin grew excited. "Gee, I wonder what _that_ would look like? There'd probably be blood and guts everywhere! Oh boy!"

Aragorn snatched the Transmogrifier gun out of his hand. "We'll take your word for it!" he said quickly, "Thank you for getting rid of Saruman!"

"Aw, c'mon Aragorn, give it back!"

It was even harder to convince Calvin that it was time to leave Isengard, as he had gotten very comfortable in his new private tower. "Can I bring the TV, the boom-box, the CDs, and the arcade?"

"Don't be ridiculous!" answered Gandalf, "None of that will fit!"

"Then I'm staying!"

"No, you aren't! You're coming to Rohan with us!"

"Huh? Where's that? And why can't _you_ stay _here?_"

"Rohan is a country. And we have to go there because we're not needed here anymore. We simply came to check on Saruman and take you with us."

"Yeah, well, I'm very needed here! There'll be…um…nobody to keep this tower clean if we're gone!"

"Yes, you've done a wonderful job keeping this tower clean," muttered Gandalf.

"Oh, let him stay, Gandalf!" whispered Gimli, "All he'll do is cause trouble if he stays with us! The Ents can take care of him!"

"After what he's done to this room, I'd prefer to personally keep an eye on him," replied Gandalf.

Finally, they convinced Calvin that the soldiers from Rohan would be more than happy to bring his TV, arcade, etc to Edoras, the city where they were staying. They introduced him to their ruler, King Théoden, an older man with golden hair and a beard that suited his regal, dignified persona. He politely shook Calvin's hand and eyed Hobbes anxiously the rest of the time.

As everyone began to exit the tower, Aragorn grabbed Hobbes and pulled him aside, where Legolas and Gimli were also waiting. "Hi!" said Hobbes trying to sound innocent, "It's nice to see you guys again!"

"You left us," said Aragorn slowly.

"Aw, c'mon, you aren't still thinking about that, right?"

"You abandoned your night-watch shift," replied Legolas.

"You wanted to leave too!" protested Hobbes.

"We could have been attacked in the night by orcs, Uruk-hai, or who knows what creature!" snarled Gimli.

"But you weren't, and that's the most important thing!" said Hobbes, in a voice that was a little too cheerful. There was a long pause as the three continued to glare at him. "Well?" he asked, "Say something! Are you that angry?"

"Don't do it again," replied Legolas.

Hobbes waited, but nothing else came. "Is that it?" he asked in confusion.

"Yes," said Aragorn with a laugh, "I must admit, we were angry with you at first, but you got to Calvin, Merry, and Pippin in time, which is more important. But we'd prefer if you didn't do it again."

Hobbes blinked, but before he could say anything else, he was interrupted by Calvin. "Hey Hobbes, check this out!" He was carrying a large, black stone ball. For some strange reason, it looked like there was a hint of flames swirling around inside. "Isn't it weird-looking? I just found it! Let's use it as a Calvinball!"

"Calvin! Drop that!" cried Aragorn sharply.

Calvin was so startled that he did, narrowly missing his foot. "Hey!" he shouted, "You could've killed me!"

"Calvin," said Aragorn, ignoring what he'd said, "Don't touch it. Give it to Gandalf."

"How am I supposed to do that without touching it?"

"What _is_ it?" asked Hobbes.

"It's Saruman's palantir," explained Legolas, "He probably used it to communicate with Sauron."

"Like a telephone?" asked Hobbes.

"Sure," said Legolas, wondering what on earth a telephone was.

"Cool!" said Calvin. He leaned down and yelled, "HEY SAURON! WE JUST KILLED THE OLD WIZARD _AND_ WE HAVE YOUR STUPID RING! HA!"

"Fortunately that's not how you use a palantir!" said Aragorn.

"Oh, do I have to hold it?" asked Calvin, picking it up. "HEY SAURON…"

"NO!" everyone shouted, tackling him to the ground.

"What is all the shouting about?" asked King Théoden, who had noticed that they were missing and had gone back to see what was keeping them.

"Get…Gandalf," grunted Gimli, as he kicked the palantir away from Calvin's grasping hands.

Gandalf was there and had the palantir buried in his robes faster than you could say "magic". Calvin wasn't pleased. "C'mon!" he cried, "What's the worst that could happen?"

"I could decide not to bring all those things you're making the soldiers carry," replied Gandalf simply. Calvin shut up after that, much to the soldiers' disappointment!

They had to borrow several carts and horses from Isengard in order to get all of Calvin's stuff to the city of Edoras, but they eventually made it there. It wasn't like any city that Calvin and Hobbes had seen before. Instead of tall buildings, it was made up of simple wooden houses, all built on top of one lone, large hill. The king's home was at the top, and was definitely the largest and grandest of all of them.

They all rode through the large gates and up the hill. Calvin, Merry, and Pippin were eagerly surveying their surroundings. Hobbes was too busy staring at the girl watching them from the king's palace. "Hey, who's that?" he asked.

Everyone looked up. "Oh, that's Eowyn. She's the niece of King Théoden," replied Aragorn.

Calvin saw her and sighed. "So my wonderful week of no girls is now over?"

"Be careful," warned Aragorn, "Not only is she related to the king, but she knows how to use a sword very well. I wouldn't bother her if I were you!"

"Ha! She's a girl, how bad could she be?"

"You'd be surprised," Gimli said.

Calvin didn't answer this. He was too busy plotting ways that G.R.O.S.S. could get rid of their newest opponent. However, all plans were put on hold when King Théoden announced that a feast was about to begin! Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli had told Calvin all about how they'd helped win some big, important battle at Ham's Deep, or whatever they'd called it. Calvin was mad that he'd missed out on all the "fun", but as soon as the party got started he decided to forget it.

This wasn't like any party Calvin or Hobbes had ever been to at home, but more like Bilbo's party in the Shire. Instead of pizza and soda, they were serving ale along with your typical, large Thanksgiving feast! Neither minded at all; Hobbes sunk his teeth into as much turkey as he could, and Calvin was fascinated with Legolas and Gimli's drinking contest. Then, as the contest finished, Merry and Pippin (who had each drank more than their fair share of ale) jumped onto a table and started singing and dancing! This gave Calvin an idea.

"Listen up everybody!" he shouted, as soon as the hobbits had finished their routine, "We are having a Karaoke Contest!" The men cheered! (They had no idea what he was talking about.) "I will supply the equipment, which my slave will be happy to operate!" Wormtongue groaned, but Hobbes dragged him over. As soon as everything was set up, Calvin grabbed the microphone and started things off. "This is called, "Welcome to the Box"," he said, as Wormtongue put "Welcome to the Jungle" in.

_Welcome to my box!_

_Where there's no time for games!_

_Duplicating, time traveling_

_Driving slimy girls insane!_

_This is the device that you find_

_Whenever you might need,_

_Something to be transmogrified_

_Or hop in a movie!_

_My box, welcome to my box_

_Where you can see your favorite_

_M-M-M-M-M-Movieeeess,eeeees!_

_Oh yeah!_

_I want PG-13!_

"What's he singing?" one of the men asked Merry.

"He's _singing?_" replied Merry. Not only were the lyrics confusing to all who didn't know Calvin, but he was not very good at carrying a tune. The music industry was obviously not for him.

"_Welcome to the box!_

_It gets cooler every day!_

_Learn to live like a dinosaur_

_From the Prehistoric Age!_"

"Wormtongue, turn the music off!" cried Pippin.

"With pleasure," replied Wormtongue, as he quickly did so.

"HEY!" shouted Calvin, "I WASN'T FINISHED YET!"

"It's ok Calvin; it's just time to give someone else a turn," replied Hobbes, who was busy rubbing his poor ears.

"Fine," Calvin grumbled. He searched the room, wondering who would be next. Then he spotted the king's niece, Eowyn. "Ok, girl, it's your turn!"

"Who, me?" asked Eowyn.

"Yes you! Come on up here!" Eowyn walked over slowly. "Great! Ok, you're going to sing some random girly song that my slave will pick out!"

"But what if I don't know the words?" protested Eowyn.

"Oh, don't worry about that!" said Calvin with an evil smile, "See this screen? The words will come up on it!"

"Oh. All right." Eowyn was feeling a little confused, although she wasn't nervous. She never sang very much anyway; she wanted to be a soldier. If she messed this song up, it was no big deal to her, something Calvin was failing to realize.

"Ready? Hit it, slave!"

"Hit what?"

"Turn the music on, dummy!"

The song started playing, Eowyn looked at the screen- but Calvin was blocking it from view. "Move," she said, "I can't see the words!"

"Exactly!" said Calvin, "Now you're just going to stand here looking stupid until the song ends!" He was laughing so hard, he had a hard time standing up.

Eowyn blinked, picked him up, and tossed him aside. "Sorry, but nobody makes me look stupid!" Now Hobbes, Merry, Pippin, and even Wormtongue were all laughing. The other men watched in confusion for a few seconds, and then they decided to join in too.

"What did I tell you?" said Aragorn, smiling at Calvin and trying not to laugh himself, "Eowyn is not a normal woman!"

"Oh, believe me, I've met _plenty_ of women like her!" replied Calvin, glaring at Eowyn as she started singing "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun". It didn't help that she could sing very well. "Just wait," he snarled, "This is war!"


	19. Night of the Flaming Palantir!

Disclaimer: I don't own Calvin and Hobbes or the Lord of the Rings.

Chapter 19: Night of the Flaming Palantir!

The war with Eowyn turned out to be short-lived. For one thing, she didn't understand some of Calvin's pranks (making her sing in front of everyone, for example), which made her less likely to run off crying like Susie. Then, when she _did_, ("Hungry, Eowyn?"- which was the start of him flinging all sorts of food at her), she made sure that Calvin quickly saw the error of his ways.

"I can't believe she lured me into the armory so easily," groaned Calvin.

"Me neither," said Hobbes, who was standing over his fallen friend. "You flung mashed potatoes on her, and you seriously thought she was going into the kitchen to get you an extra slice of _pie?_"

"Throwing food makes you hungry!" Calvin complained, "At first I thought she was running away, but then when she said that she was just going to the kitchen to replace the food I destroyed…"

"So, what exactly happened?" asked Pippin.

"I don't really remember," muttered Calvin, "Something about this going far enough, and then I think I got hit over the head with a shield."

Sure enough, there was a heavy round shield lying on the ground, not too far away from where Calvin was. "Wow," said Hobbes, as he examined it, "That had to hurt!"

"_Really?_" groaned Calvin, "However did you guess?"

After several insults were exchanged, Hobbes finally agreed to help carry Calvin up to their room, as it was time for bed. Merry and Pippin followed. Everyone in the Fellowship was sharing the same room anyway; there was hardly any room for all the guests and the soldiers staying for the night. So they each grabbed a few blankets, made individual beds for themselves, and went to sleep.

Calvin was just beginning to drift off when something entered his mind: the palantir he had picked up earlier that day. Could you really use it to talk to people? And why had Aragorn not wanted him to touch it? Sure, you could contact Sauron with it, but Calvin had no intention of doing that! What harm could possibly come from it? The more Calvin thought about it, the more he wanted to try using the palantir again.

After a quick search he found it, but there was a problem. It was lying in Gandalf's arms, and he was staring right at Calvin!

Calvin gulped. "Um, sorry…heh heh heh…just going to get a drink of water…" He grabbed the pitcher of water nearby, while keeping his eyes fixed on the wizard. "Boy, am I thirsty!" Gandalf didn't react. He simply continued to stare straight ahead. "What's the matter with you?" asked Calvin. He got no response, except for a grunt and then snoring. Calvin felt both shocked and triumphant. _He sleeps with his eyes open! That is so weird…YES! Now I can steal the palantir!_ Eagerly he swapped the pitcher for the palantir and brought it back to his makeshift bed.

There was no doubt about it; there were definitely flames swirling around in there, but the stone ball felt cold in his hands. "Cooooool!" said Calvin excitedly.

"What're you doing?" mumbled Hobbes.

"Shh!" hissed Calvin, "Go back to sleep!" _That stupid tiger might cause a scene, and that'll wake up Gandalf! And then I'd be dea…_

Suddenly the palantir burst into flames, and Calvin felt his hands glue themselves to it! "OWWWW!" he screamed, "SOMEONE HELP! I'M BEING ENGULFED BY FLAMES!" But he couldn't see the people waking up and rushing over to help him. It seemed like the room had vanished and now he was staring at a flaming black eye!

In a sneering voice, it asked, "_What sort of pathetic creature are you?_"

"I'M A KID, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE! What kind of pathetic creature are you??"

"_I am Sauron, Lord of the Ring!_" He expected this statement to terrify a mere child; it certainly had that effect on even the most powerful elf.

"Yeah? Well you're pretty lousy at that job! We've had that ring for months now! And guess what? WE'RE NOT GIVING IT BACK! NOW GET THIS STUPID BURNING BALL OF DOOM OFF ME!"

Sauron hissed in anger. "_Where is it?_"

"ON MY HANDS!"

"_No, not the palantir, you fool! The Ring!_"

"I have no idea! I'm just a kid! I barely pay attention to any of this nonsense, even when they're talking to me!"

Sauron never had time to respond, because the palantir was yanked out of Calvin's hands. Gandalf scooped it up and rushed right over to where Calvin was lying. "What happened?" he demanded as calmly as possible, "What did you see?"

"My hands hurt. Can I stick them in some cold water?"

"Answer the questions first!" said Gandalf impatiently.

"I'll get some water," added Hobbes, and he left the room.

"Ok. Well, there was a huge flaming black eye, who called me pathetic, which is really ironic because he's the one who lost his ring…"

"Did you say that to him?" asked Gandalf in horror.

"Something like that. And then he asked me where it was, and I told him I had no idea. And then it was over."

"Anything else?"

"Well, when he told me his name, I saw a white tree burning. Is that his symbol or something? 'Cause I could come up with plenty of scarier ones than that!"

Judging from the surprised look on Gandalf's face, he knew what it meant, but he wasn't saying anything yet. "Are you sure that you didn't say anything to Sauron about Frodo?"

"Nothing. Is Hobbes back with that water yet?" he moaned.

"No. When you are ready, come and meet us in the king's Hall." Gandalf got up and left, followed by King Théoden, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli. Merry and Pippin stayed behind.

"Calvin, are you all right?" asked Pippin anxiously.

"I will be when Hobbes gets back! My hands got burned!"

"They look fine to me," said Merry, "I don't think it was real fire, it only felt that way because you were connected to Sauron."

"They feel like they're scorched and blistering and about to fall off!" groaned Calvin. Actually, the pain had gone away after he let go of the palantir, but if this got him special treatment, he was prepared to play it up as much as possible!

"I'm back!" said Hobbes, "Here you go Calvin." Calvin eagerly stuck his hands into the bowl of cold water, put on a huge show of how much it made him feel better, and took his time getting up to go meet with Gandalf and the king.

The Hall was mostly empty, except for Calvin and his friends. Gandalf started saying that luckily, Sauron hadn't found out anything they were planning, because Calvin hadn't known enough to give anything away. At the same time, the burning tree actually came from a city called Minas Tirith, in the neighboring country of Gondor. Gandalf was certain that this was where Sauron and his army of orcs were going to attack next. "So, are we going to warn them?" asked Hobbes.

"I am," said Gandalf, "And I won't be going alone." He shot Calvin a look while saying this. "Any other questions?"

"Yeah," said Calvin, "Why do you sleep with your eyes open?"

"Any other questions pertaining to _the subject at hand?_"

"Do you have to use such a high vocabulary? I'm just _asking!_" he added, when all he got was a glare.

* * *

"I can't believe you picked up that palantir!" complained Hobbes for the millionth time. It was the next morning. "How could you be so dumb?"

"Excuse me?" yelled Calvin, "How many times do I have to say it: I'm the victim!"

"You're _always_ the victim, even when it's obvious that _you're_ the one who messes things up!"

"Geez, what's with you?? Are you jealous of all the attention I'm getting?"

"I don't want the attention you're getting, thank you very much! Do you understand that when you touched that palantir, Sauron started trying to figure out exactly where you were?!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Are you saying that palantir is like a _tracking device?_"

"Close enough."

"Why didn't someone say so?" Calvin shrieked, "Is this Sauron guy going to kill me??"

"He's going to try," said Merry, as he poked his head in the room Calvin and Hobbes were in, "Gandalf says he's ready to leave. Did you finish packing?"

"Packing? Where're we going?" asked Calvin.

"You're going to Minas Tirith with Gandalf!" said Pippin, as he joined Merry in the doorway, "Weren't you listening?"

"No."

"Well you'd better, because Gandalf said this journey's going to be very dangerous!"

"Really?" asked Calvin, brightening instantly, "Coooool!"

"Yeah, but the danger's going to start once he sees you haven't packed yet. He said very clearly he doesn't want any delays!" insisted Merry.

"Fine," grumbled Calvin, "What're you taking with you?"

"Us? We're not going."

"Wait…what?"

"We can't go," said Pippin sadly, "Gandalf wants us to stay in Rohan."

"Since when have we ever listened to him?" demanded Calvin.

"Calvin, this is serious!" replied Hobbes.

"No kidding, but I don't want to go anywhere without you guys! Where's the fun in that?"

"You'll be fine," said Hobbes, "You'll get to flee for your life on the back of one of the fastest horses in the world, and if you _do _run into any orcs or the remaining Ringwraiths, you'll get to watch Gandalf defeat them with his incredible magic powers! That oughta be a show."

"Hey, YEAH!"

"I knew I could cheer him up," Hobbes muttered to Merry and Pippin, "Now Calvin, you'd better start packing!"

"Since when have you been my boss?" asked Calvin indignantly, "Now get out of here! I have to pack."

"What a good idea!" said Hobbes, rolling his eyes, and the three of them left the room.

Calvin finished packing his bag, grudgingly agreed to leave the TV and the karaoke machine behind (while silently pocketing his Transmogrifier gun) and ate a quick breakfast. After that, he, Hobbes, Merry, and Pippin followed Gandalf to the nearby stable. "This is Shadowfax," explained Gandalf, placing Calvin on a large white horse, "He is the Lord of the horses, the fastest and strongest of all of them."

"Neat," replied Calvin, as Gandalf mounted behind him. "Well, so long guys! I'm going to really miss you! Take care of my slave for me!"

"It will be our pleasure!" said Hobbes with a wink. Then Shadowfax suddenly raced forward and ran out of the city, into the wilderness. Hobbes, Merry, and Pippin raced up one of the watch towers to see them gallop away.

"It's going to be strange with him gone," said Pippin softly.

"I know," said Hobbes, "It's going to be a _lot_ quieter for one thing. Plus, we're going to have to come up with our own ways of entertaining ourselves now."

"Great!" groaned Merry, "He'll be a hard act to follow!"

* * *

The ride to Minas Tirith took all day, and Calvin fell asleep at least twice. When he woke up for the final time, he saw that they were racing out of a forest and into some hilly fields. "Ah, you're awake!" said Gandalf, "Good. We've just passed into the realm of Gondor!"

"Cool," replied Calvin, gazing eagerly at his surroundings. When nothing in particular caught his eye, he said, "I'm bored. Are we…"

"…there yet? No," answered Gandalf.

"Actually, I was going to ask we were going to run into any orcs soon."

"You say that as if you want to."

"I do! I thought this was supposed to be a thrilling trip!"

Gandalf rolled his eyes. "Oh don't worry. I promise that by the end of your visit in Minas Tirith, you will see more than your fair share of orcs and other foul beasts."

"All right!" cried Calvin, pumping his fist. Gandalf just didn't get it. It was normal for a young boy to want to have an adventure of some kind before he actually experienced one. But how could someone who had been _captured_ and almost _killed_ a dozen times over by orcs still want to encounter them? Calvin made no sense to him sometimes.

Finally, they rode up the last hill and stopped to stare at a magnificent white structure carved into the mountain! "Whoa!" gasped Calvin, "Is that Minas Tirith?!"

Gandalf nodded, and they raced down the hill. The guards opened the gigantic gates when they saw who was coming, so Gandalf continued riding as fast as possible all the way up to the highest level of the city. Calvin watched everything flash past eagerly. Minas Tirith was made out of white stone, but there were some gardens in various courtyards. Everyone was dressed in dark blue and purple, except for the knights, who were marching everywhere. The top level was flat and stretched out, so that Calvin could see for miles (including a nice view of the mountains and distant volcanoes that made up Mordor!) He also noticed the white tree that he'd seen burning in the palantir. It looked fine right now, except that it was being guarded, as if the people had seen the same thing too.

As they got off Shadowfax, Calvin could hear Gandalf going on about some guy named Denethor, who wasn't the king but acted like he was. "Calvin, are you listening to me?"

"Yeah sure," he said, "Denethor. Got it."

"Good. Now there's something you need to know: he's Boromir's father."

"Oh, cool! Say, where's Boromir been anyway?"

"He _died_, Calvin! Remember?"

"He WHAT?" shouted Calvin, "No one told me that!"

"Merry and Pippin told me that he was defending you three when he was killed," Gandalf replied in a low voice, so no one else could hear.

"I know he got hit by a couple of arrows, but he was still alive when we left. He didn't look _that_ bad!"

"Well, I'm afraid he was. I'm sorry you had to hear it now, but you can't tell…"

"WHY DIDN'T SOMEONE TELL ME THAT BOROMIR DIED?"

"Calvin!" cried Gandalf, "Shh!"

"I'm always the last to hear these things…"

"Calvin, _be quiet!_" Gandalf hissed while grabbing him, "Boromir was Denethor's favorite son. We can _not_ let him know what's happened until later."

"Why not?"

"Right now he needs to concentrate on defending his country, not mourning for Boromir."

"Can't he do both?"

"No. You'll see what I mean in a moment. Come along…oh, and don't mention Aragorn."

"I wasn't going to."

"Good. And don't mention Frodo and the Ring."

Calvin nodded. "What can I talk about?"

Gandalf hesitated. "Just let me do the talking."

"Sounds good."

Gandalf opened one of the heavy metal doors, and they walked inside.

A/N: And so, Gandalf trusts Calvin to keep his mouth shut for longer than five minutes. Unbelievable. Stay tuned for Chapter 20!


	20. Mayhem at Minas Tirith

Disclaimer: I don't own Calvin and Hobbes or the Lord of the Rings.

Chapter 20: Mayhem in Minas Tirith

Gandalf opened the giant iron doors and walked confidently down the lone hall. The room, like the rest of the city, was made entirely out of marble, except for the dark carpet that stretched out to a giant throne. Seated in a chair next to it was a hunched over figure. Gandalf called out to him, "Hail Denethor, son of Ecthelion, lord and steward of Gondor! I come with tidings at this hour, and with counsel."

At first, Denethor didn't move. When he did sit up, they could see that his eyes were red, and he was clutching a broken war horn. "Perhaps you have come to explain this?" he choked out, holding up the horn for Gandalf to see. "Perhaps you have come to tell me why my son is dead?" He was holding the same horn Boromir had used until the day the Uruks had attacked the Fellowship.

Gandalf winced. He'd hoped that because the Fellowship's mission was secret, no news about Boromir had gotten out. But it had. He quickly thought of what to say next, when someone else did it for him.

"See? I told you not to hide it from him!" Calvin piped up, "You shouldn't leave people in the dark, because we're going to find out anyway!"

"Calvin? What…did I say…about _being_…_quiet?_" snarled Gandalf through gritted teeth.

"So? I didn't say anything bad!"

But Calvin was interrupted by Denethor's angry voice. "You knew?" he cried, "You knew about my son and you _weren't going to tell me?!_"

"Yeah," said Calvin, before Gandalf could intervene, "He said you'd be too upset to fight if you knew, so he told me not to say anything. That reminds me, we found out that Sauron wants to invade your city, and burn down your tree. If I were you, I'd get my army together and start planning your defense strategy, because if he wins, there will be blood and guts everywhere, complete chaos in the streets, and monsters running amok!" After a dramatic pause, he said, "I know it all _sounds_ cool, but trust me, it's a lot scarier when it happens in real life. After we save this place, we can rent some good movies that show blood and guts without any risks on our part! I recommend any horror film!"

Denethor didn't reply for a minute. He just sat there looking completely confused. Gandalf took this opportunity to speak up. "Don't mind him, Denethor," he said, "Concentrate on the real problem at hand. The enemy is at your doorstep!"

"No, they're not!" said Calvin.

Gandalf glared at him. "I told you to let me do the talking!" he snarled. Turning back to Denethor, he said, "As I was saying…"

"But they're not," replied Calvin, "We traveled all day and I never saw a single orc, even though they're supposed to be after me. I hate to say it, but I don't think you guys are in any danger!"

Gandalf turned around very slowly. "Would you like to wait outside?" he asked in a dangerous voice.

"Um…no." Calvin eyed the large staff that was slightly pointed in his direction. "Sorry." Then he turned his attention back to Denethor. "I was just kidding," he said quickly.

But Denethor wasn't listening any more. "So tell me, what other things have you been hiding from me, Gandalf?" he asked angrily.

"Not much else," replied Calvin, "I think you've got the important stuff."

"I'll be the judge of that!" Denethor snarled.

"Well, the good news is, we have that ring of Sauron's, and he hasn't gotten it back yet."

"You have it? Where?! Is it here?" gasped Denethor.

"No, Frodo's got-OW!" he yelped as Gandalf grabbed him by the arm, hard.

"Excuse me for a moment," said Gandalf quickly, as he dragged Calvin out of the room, to protests of, "Hey! Let me go! He asked me, what was I supposed to say? C'mon, let go!"

Calvin was placed next to Shadowfax, told that they would be having a nice long talk later, and was then left outside while Gandalf returned to repair the damage. After a few minutes, he got bored and walked over to the very edge of the courtyard, where the volcanic mountains of Mordor could be seen. "Cool scenery!" he muttered.

"It's not exactly comforting to live under the shadow of Mordor," replied one of the guards. Calvin jumped. They'd all been standing at their stations, without moving an inch. He'd forgotten they were even there.

"If you don't like it, then why the heck did you build an entire city next to it?"

"This is an ancient city, and it was originally built into the mountain for protection. Sauron didn't move in until afterwards."

"Man, I hate it when that happens!" groaned Calvin, "If I were you, I'd kick him out!"

The guard paused, and then he muttered, "We aren't strong enough to do that." This was common sense of course, but not something anyone wanted to admit out loud.

"So what? Brains can beat brawn any day! You just need the right strategy! It's the only way I've managed to survive living with a real live tiger in my house!"

"What's your name?" asked the guard curiously.

"Calvin, Boy of Destiny. I came here with Gandalf. He's that really powerful wizard, you know." As far as Calvin was concerned, Gandalf was good for only two things: protecting him from bad guys, and heightening his reputation.

"Oh, Mithrandir? Really? He hasn't been here for a year at least!"

"Nope, wrong guy. I'm talking about Gandalf."

"They're the same person."

"He has _two_ names?"

"A great person like the Mithrandir has many different names, because of all the different cultures and people he's affected."

"Good idea. I should come up with more names for myself. I've always liked 'Joe', what do you think?"

"Er…" The guard was spared having to answer this bizarre question when Gandalf came storming out. He grabbed Calvin and led him up to their room, muttering furiously under his breath.

"I guess things didn't go well in there?" asked Calvin finally.

"No thanks to you!" snapped the wizard, as he paced the room.

"Hey, it wasn't completely my fault! I just answered his questions!"

"I told you to stay quiet!" said Gandalf. But as the minutes passed, he began to cool down. "You're right," he said slowly, "You weren't entirely to blame. Any ruler should know better than to listen to a six-year-old child rambling…"

"Rambling?! Excuse me, I knew exactly what I was talking about!"

"…but Denethor only listens to what he wants to hear. He wants to think he's doesn't need to organize his troops, and that I care more about reinstating Aragorn than actually protecting Gondor. So he follows your words instead."

"And there's nothing wrong with that! I'm a Dictator-for-Life, you know! I know how their type thinks!"

"Wonderful," replied Gandalf dryly, "What's even more astounding is how you managed to tell, or hint, to Denethor every single thing I told you not to mention to him!"

"I didn't mention Aragorn! Didn't you tell me not to mention Aragorn?"

"Yes, but he already knows about him, so that did us no good."

"Well, I can't help it if the guy's smarter than he looks," grumbled Calvin, "So, what do we do now?"

"Unfortunately, there isn't much to do except wait for Sauron to make his next move, and hope that Gondor's army is trained well enough to face him."

"Can I send a message to Hobbes?"

"No…wait…" Gandalf froze. "Yes…of course…that might work…" he muttered. "Calvin?" he asked suddenly.

"Yeah?"

"Are you afraid of heights?"

* * *

Early the next morning, Gandalf led Calvin to a rocky ledge by the back of the city. "You know what to do," he said, "Are you sure you can handle this?"

"Piece of cake," replied Calvin immediately.

"Good luck."

Calvin was already good at climbing due to all the wild terrain that made up the forest in his backyard. Slowly, but surely, he began to climb up what was actually a massive tower. At the top, there was a giant pile of wood, that, when lit, became a beacon of fire that could easily be seen for miles. It was also an old-fashioned "SOS" signal. Gandalf had explained that there was an entire chain of these beacons throughout the mountains, all the way to Edoras, where Hobbes, Merry, Pippin, and everyone else was. When someone lit the flame in Minas Tirith, the guards of the next beacon would light theirs, and so on and so forth until it reached Edoras. It was the quickest way to alert the people of Rohan that Gondor needed their help. It was also the only way they could start organizing an army without Denethor knowing. Calvin found it all very cool.

_Secret Agent Calvin scales the wall of the enemy's headquarters! His heat sensors indicate that there are guards at the top, but they have not yet detected his presence! Our hero wonders why these "top-notch, hi-tech security systems" are always so easy to get past._

Once he reached the top, he carefully glanced around, but the two guards weren't paying any attention to the beacon. It was, without a doubt, the most boring job anyone could ever be assigned, because no one had needed to summon Rohan for centuries. Why should today be any different? Calvin smirked and started his next climb: up the enormous square stack of wood.

_Upon reaching his destination, Calvin retrieves the data needed to foil Dr. Dastardly's plans! He then sends a signal to the president, letting him know the mission was a success!_

"I DID IT!" shouted Calvin ecstatically he dropped a torch on the top of the wood pile. It ignited, and the flames quickly began to spread. "IN YOUR FACE, SUCKERS!"

The guards stared up at him in shock. Even they couldn't ignore an enormous burning pile of wood. Before they could recover, Calvin scrambled down the tower to avoid getting burnt.

"You mean, after all these years of waiting, and waiting, and waiting, someone else did the job for us?!" demanded one of them finally.

"It certainly looks like it," replied the other.

"That's it. I quit."

* * *

Hobbes was enjoying one of his favorite activities: sleeping on the thatched roof of one of the houses in Edoras, while the warm sun beat down on him. It had been a long time since he had been able to do this in peace, and it made a nice change not to have Calvin come up and recite some weird poem that sprang into his head. He was so comfortable that he barely moved at all, not even when the sound of crowds of people preparing to leave woke him up. Finally, Hobbes got irritated from all the noise and poked his head down. It looked like most of the men were in armor and mounting horses. "Oh great. A battle. Just what I need right now," he grumbled. Still, he couldn't help but wonder why no one had asked him to help.

"Hobbes! Look Merry, I found him!" called Pippin's voice. The two of them climbed up a ladder that led to the roof.

"There you are!" cried Merry, "Guess what? King Théoden has made us each esquires of Rohan!"

"What's an esquire?" asked Hobbes.

"It means we must protect the king from any danger in battle," replied Pippin proudly.

"He won't last five seconds," said Hobbes with a laugh.

"Oh really?" asked Merry, "He didn't make _you_ an esquire!"

"That's because he knows he doesn't need to give me a rank! I'm a tiger; you can't get any higher than that!"

"Ok," said Pippin, "You can prove it in a couple of days! We got a message from Gondor, and they want us to come and help them!"

Hobbes sat up. "How's Calvin doing?"

"We don't know, they only sent us a message through a beacon," replied Merry, explaining how the system worked to Hobbes.

"I must say, humans have some pathetic forms of communication, but at least they work," said Hobbes, "When are we leaving?"

"Right now!"

"Now?! But I haven't packed any tuna!" Hobbes was off and running before either of them could say "fish".

* * *

Things were finally starting to get interesting in Minas Tirith. Calvin watched in awe as an entire army came galloping to the city, while being pursued by giant, flying beasts that threw riders off their horses with ease! But before the damage could get any worse, Gandalf rode out and drove them away with the light from his staff.

As soon as Gandalf and the captain of the army reached the top of the city, Calvin ran up and started firing questions, "Who are these guys? What were those dragon things? Why did they go away? Did Sauron send them? Are they going to come after me? Can you show me that cool thing you did with your staff?"

"Calvin, we're rather busy at the moment…"

"Are more coming? Is the battle going to start soon? Does Denethor know what happened? Is he going to help? By the way, did they ever get the message back in Rohan…"

"Shh!" whispered Gandalf. Although it was fairly obvious who had sounded the alarm, they didn't need Denethor to overhear any confessions.

"But…"

"Not now!"

"It's all right," said the captain. He was a kind-looking man with light brown hair and a scruffy beard, and a small smile on his face. "I used to ask many questions too, when I was your age."

"Yes, but not ones that were liable to get you in trouble," muttered Gandalf.

"Who's this?" asked Calvin.

"This is Faramir. He's Denethor's son."

"I thought Boromir was his son!"

"They're brothers."

"Oh. Right."

"Faramir, this is Calvin. He's been helping us fight Sauron, and he's staying here for a few days."

"Well, we're certainly glad to have the help!" said Faramir, "It's nice to meet you!"

Calvin sized him up. "I think I like you better than your dad," he said finally, "Keep up the good work!"

"Thank you. I'll do my best."

"Calvin, if you'll wait out here, we'll only be a minute," said Gandalf, and he and Faramir headed inside to see Denethor.

"A minute, yeah right," said Calvin when the door slammed shut. "I've heard that one _way_ too many times from him lately!" He was nowhere near done exploring the city yet. With any luck, he'd go on a little excursion and be back before they realized he was gone!

A/N: Uh oh…


End file.
